Confused
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Confused
by route22 » Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:15 am
I have been married to my husband for eight years. we have two children but I cant trust him and I dont know what to do.When we first got married I caught him on a chat room talking to another girl which they exchange numbers and he called her the next day. I told him that I know what was going on he said he was sorry and that he was so curious on how she sound.Years have past and and still my guards are up. I found a recipt in his pocket for a birthday card he purchased for a coworker and he denied it and said it was for his boss a male but doing some research the truth came out. Any way he contiuned to keep this friendship going until he became attracted to this young lady.And i asked him to stop talking to her because it might lead to more he refused because he stated nothing was going on. So I still verbally acused him of a affair with out any proof until two years later I heard him on the phone telling his coworkers that she called him to come over and he could have went because i was out of town but he didnt. I am struggling with these issue and I dont know what to beleive. He said that the guys were talking and he was just trying to fit in so thats why he made such a statement. We are always fighting and he cant see the wrong.Am I overracting or just too jealous if you have been there please let me know what to do.
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by BushBabie » Sun Jan 11, 2009 3:29 am
No you are not just jealous! I can identify with what you are going through because my husband greatly enjoys regular interaction with women and actually prefer friendships with them over those with men. You have every right to be alarmed and ringing the bell for this behavior to cease. My husband started emailing some women he saw on facebook and he said outright in his emails that he enjoyed looking at her pictures. Once I got wind of what was going on(because typical to men who are carry on in ways that they know are inappropriate and wrong, he had every password protected)I laid him out and cursed him for disrespecting our marriage with this type of behavior. After a lot of arguing, he apologized for his behavior and although I accepted the apology I made it clear that an apology without remorse is worthless and that he had to really work hard to regain my trust. I see any time that my husband spends paying attention to a women other than me is stealing. He stealing time that he could be focusing on our marriage or relationship. I don't care if its two minutes or five hours, that's enough time to make dinner reservations or arrange for babysitting while I go off to get a manicure and pedicure. Hope my sharing helps.
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by moc » Mon Jan 12, 2009 8:37 am
Route 22,
It is absolutely disrespectful to you that your H is having an emotional affair on you! The heart, mind and gut know and you have done the detective work to prove it. You are not jealous. I got caught in the trap of an emotional affair in my past also (read my blog in this subject) and repented immensely and have NEVER strayed from my wife either in mind, spirit or body. We were married 5 years before I stepped out (6-7 months long) and finally woke up to the error of my ways and asked for forgivness and followed up with actions for the past 8 years. She forgives me but will always be a hurt we both carry (forgetting probably wont happen).
Technology is a dangerous tool for access to anyone around the globe. As my work needs me to be on top of the PC, I struggle with having to even have one for work and kids. But I know that the horrible pain and suffering I caused my wife can NEVER happen again. Even co-workers who are women I avoid as not to damage my relationship with my wife. As much as I would like a woman's perspective on situations in the marriage, I cant go down that road. It may start off as innocent, but as soon as the feelings of understanding between your husband and the woman co-worker start, the path leads to danger.
Your husband needs to repent and find a good marriage counselor for the two of you to heal from this. He has to understand he is undermining the marriage by even entertaining the idea of communicating with this woman. It is disrespectful!
Good Luck, I hope my experience can help you and your husband.
It is absolutely disrespectful to you that your H is having an emotional affair on you! The heart, mind and gut know and you have done the detective work to prove it. You are not jealous. I got caught in the trap of an emotional affair in my past also (read my blog in this subject) and repented immensely and have NEVER strayed from my wife either in mind, spirit or body. We were married 5 years before I stepped out (6-7 months long) and finally woke up to the error of my ways and asked for forgivness and followed up with actions for the past 8 years. She forgives me but will always be a hurt we both carry (forgetting probably wont happen).
Technology is a dangerous tool for access to anyone around the globe. As my work needs me to be on top of the PC, I struggle with having to even have one for work and kids. But I know that the horrible pain and suffering I caused my wife can NEVER happen again. Even co-workers who are women I avoid as not to damage my relationship with my wife. As much as I would like a woman's perspective on situations in the marriage, I cant go down that road. It may start off as innocent, but as soon as the feelings of understanding between your husband and the woman co-worker start, the path leads to danger.
Your husband needs to repent and find a good marriage counselor for the two of you to heal from this. He has to understand he is undermining the marriage by even entertaining the idea of communicating with this woman. It is disrespectful!
Good Luck, I hope my experience can help you and your husband.
- moc
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by moc » Mon Jan 12, 2009 11:26 am
route22,
Sorry I am a man and you are NOT over-reacting nor crazy at all. See my previous post to yours. I wish I would have gone to counseling after the discourse I caused as this would not be as hard to communicate with my wife today and especially what we are experiencing today (see post in Communications: http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=360). I cannot get her to go to counseling now.
But this post is not about me. He has to understand, that his actions are disrespectful and hurtful to you and the marriage. Sounds like you have tried communicating to his male way of lining out the details, how you feel, and the way it looks. Did you ask him about the phone conversation? If so, why did he not go even though you were out of town. Maybe he KNOWS its wrong and at least thats a glimmer of hope. You are not jealous, your signals are going off for the right reasons. Listen to them. My wife said that she knew something was up when I was defensive and standoffish to her during that time. He has to know, it is not worth the pain and suffering to either of you to continue this path. It can very well lead to more and did in my cases.
I had an emotional affair that I also planned to somehow visit the person. I was missing something in the marriage and pressured to deliver something I was not sure I could. He should regret the disrespect to you and realize this is a dangerous trap. You are not paranoid, listen to your instincts!!!
Sorry I am a man and you are NOT over-reacting nor crazy at all. See my previous post to yours. I wish I would have gone to counseling after the discourse I caused as this would not be as hard to communicate with my wife today and especially what we are experiencing today (see post in Communications: http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=360). I cannot get her to go to counseling now.
But this post is not about me. He has to understand, that his actions are disrespectful and hurtful to you and the marriage. Sounds like you have tried communicating to his male way of lining out the details, how you feel, and the way it looks. Did you ask him about the phone conversation? If so, why did he not go even though you were out of town. Maybe he KNOWS its wrong and at least thats a glimmer of hope. You are not jealous, your signals are going off for the right reasons. Listen to them. My wife said that she knew something was up when I was defensive and standoffish to her during that time. He has to know, it is not worth the pain and suffering to either of you to continue this path. It can very well lead to more and did in my cases.
I had an emotional affair that I also planned to somehow visit the person. I was missing something in the marriage and pressured to deliver something I was not sure I could. He should regret the disrespect to you and realize this is a dangerous trap. You are not paranoid, listen to your instincts!!!
- moc
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my bad
by admin » Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:08 pm
my bad--
Route 22 didn't get a chance to see your reply, Moc, before she responded to BushB's response.
There's a delay in our correspondance that sometimes happen because of filtering on my part for spam.
Carry on!
admin
Route 22 didn't get a chance to see your reply, Moc, before she responded to BushB's response.
There's a delay in our correspondance that sometimes happen because of filtering on my part for spam.
Carry on!
admin
- admin
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by route22 » Mon Jan 12, 2009 12:39 pm
Moc
we are now trying find out where things went wrong and he did notice that it was wrong but he is mostly thinks that I should just get over it and move on. I cant because I didnt do anything wrong and he difted and how am i sure this wont happen again. Do you have any words that I can share with him from someone else thats been in the same situation?
we are now trying find out where things went wrong and he did notice that it was wrong but he is mostly thinks that I should just get over it and move on. I cant because I didnt do anything wrong and he difted and how am i sure this wont happen again. Do you have any words that I can share with him from someone else thats been in the same situation?
- route22
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by moc » Tue Jan 13, 2009 10:41 am
route22-
most men want to put it behind them. The FIX IT is in us and works so in his mind, he fixed the issue, its not a factor. What he doesnt understand is that you need reassurance (by words for a time) no matter if it hurts his ego. You need reassurance by his actions that this will never happen again. This will take time. It will be revisited by you at key moments when you found the information. He needs to understand your hurt in this and his actions and words together, gently and lovingly, will be the key to your recovery. I put myself in my wifes shoes and tried to understand how much I hurt her and the marriage.
You wont know this will happen again. My wife has understood for 7 years I have been a devoted husband to her by my actions. I call when I am late, the computer is open to any review, I have no problem with my wife checking on me. She does not do it, but its available. Because I know I am emotionally and physcially faithful to her and would never think of straying again...EVER! I back it up with my words and actions. I understand the pain I caused her and grieve for what I did and the possible life without that pain we could have had.
To your husband I would say: please, listen to your wife and understand the pain she is in. Emotional with nearly meeting can be just as detrimental as a physical connection. Your wife needs your reassurance this can never happen again. Consider counseling, open up to her about why you felt the need/desire to stray. She may be surprised at your feelings and maybe both can work to mutual agreements to satisfy both your needs/wants in the marriage. Help her put this away and console her.
route22 if an honest effort is made to this, please work together to forgive. You wont forget, it will come up but, as long as he feels remourse and you feel it will never happen again, forgive him. Like I said, I have been forgiven and yet it still comes up lightly each year, but its easier for BOTH of us to deal with it now and pass it by. The hardest thing for me to deal with is that she teases me (jokingly and I have to remember that it is) about a girlfriend (of which I have never had since). It hurts even in fun, so I caution you if your marriage gets back on track to not bait the situation if possible.
most men want to put it behind them. The FIX IT is in us and works so in his mind, he fixed the issue, its not a factor. What he doesnt understand is that you need reassurance (by words for a time) no matter if it hurts his ego. You need reassurance by his actions that this will never happen again. This will take time. It will be revisited by you at key moments when you found the information. He needs to understand your hurt in this and his actions and words together, gently and lovingly, will be the key to your recovery. I put myself in my wifes shoes and tried to understand how much I hurt her and the marriage.
You wont know this will happen again. My wife has understood for 7 years I have been a devoted husband to her by my actions. I call when I am late, the computer is open to any review, I have no problem with my wife checking on me. She does not do it, but its available. Because I know I am emotionally and physcially faithful to her and would never think of straying again...EVER! I back it up with my words and actions. I understand the pain I caused her and grieve for what I did and the possible life without that pain we could have had.
To your husband I would say: please, listen to your wife and understand the pain she is in. Emotional with nearly meeting can be just as detrimental as a physical connection. Your wife needs your reassurance this can never happen again. Consider counseling, open up to her about why you felt the need/desire to stray. She may be surprised at your feelings and maybe both can work to mutual agreements to satisfy both your needs/wants in the marriage. Help her put this away and console her.
route22 if an honest effort is made to this, please work together to forgive. You wont forget, it will come up but, as long as he feels remourse and you feel it will never happen again, forgive him. Like I said, I have been forgiven and yet it still comes up lightly each year, but its easier for BOTH of us to deal with it now and pass it by. The hardest thing for me to deal with is that she teases me (jokingly and I have to remember that it is) about a girlfriend (of which I have never had since). It hurts even in fun, so I caution you if your marriage gets back on track to not bait the situation if possible.
- moc
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by route22 » Thu Jan 29, 2009 9:09 pm
I am not feeling like i am healing at all. Every time i get to the point of happness it comes back and i fall back in my shell thinking that we were happy when this all happen this is so hard for me. And its not like he is not trying to be a better person or a better man but he said he feel like he cant help his self from flirting and he really didnt think it was that bad.
- route22
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by moc » Fri Jan 30, 2009 10:50 am
Has he said recently (in the past several weeks or days) when you have spoken to him that?
When the feeling of it "comes back" do you notice certain triggers? My wife's trigger was the "time of year" when it happened (around Thanksgiving). It could be a piece of clothing he was wearing when you found out...it could be the physical phone...any receipt laying around, etc. Notice and understand these triggers so you can deal with this easier. No, its not going to be easy for awhile. Only when your husband seeks your understanding through active listening will he begin to change.
There is no rationalization to the want to have other people of the opposite sex make a person feel "special with butterflies" again like when first dating. Does it make a person feel good...SURE IT DOES. But it can only damage a relationship whether male or female if the road of desire and deceipt is followed. Like I said, no matter whether a person is male of female (I am combating this in my marriage with a wife who is going through a mid-life crisis/transition...see my communication post - http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=360) what they seek will not last and is very damaging to the marriage. The uplifting of the marriage and trying to make the marriage "butterflyish" should be paramount not seeking it from outside the marriage. It takes a consistent effort of love and actions for the person that is causing the break of trust to show the issues are in the past and will not happen again. If you dont feel the actions are consistent, then the mending cannot commence.
Like BushBabie said, there will be alot of arguing and certainly anger but he has to understand. Try to keep your cool and intelligently discuss your disappointments and difficulties in restoring unity. Whatever your faith and religious beliefs are, lean on them. I have and its made a big difference in my life to understand my wife and to serve her (and take that as easy as recognizing her needs...glass of diet coke, cup of soup, backrub, making sure her car is filled with fuel, bringing dinner to her work).
Ultimately your husband needs to understand your hurt that he disrepected the marriage. Until he does and puts himself in your shoes and realizes what it would be like, all he will do is rationalize his behavior. I dont know what else can persuade him if he has downplayed marriage counseling, religious guidance, books like Dr. Haltzman's...most people that I have heard of when they are troubled, are seeking the help by themselves. It is only on imminent disaster that the other person in the marriage will finally see it takes both husband and wife to make it all work. Good luck, and God Bless you both.
Has he yet to come to an understanding of your hurt and pain.?he cant help his self from flirting and he really didnt think it was that bad
When the feeling of it "comes back" do you notice certain triggers? My wife's trigger was the "time of year" when it happened (around Thanksgiving). It could be a piece of clothing he was wearing when you found out...it could be the physical phone...any receipt laying around, etc. Notice and understand these triggers so you can deal with this easier. No, its not going to be easy for awhile. Only when your husband seeks your understanding through active listening will he begin to change.
There is no rationalization to the want to have other people of the opposite sex make a person feel "special with butterflies" again like when first dating. Does it make a person feel good...SURE IT DOES. But it can only damage a relationship whether male or female if the road of desire and deceipt is followed. Like I said, no matter whether a person is male of female (I am combating this in my marriage with a wife who is going through a mid-life crisis/transition...see my communication post - http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=360) what they seek will not last and is very damaging to the marriage. The uplifting of the marriage and trying to make the marriage "butterflyish" should be paramount not seeking it from outside the marriage. It takes a consistent effort of love and actions for the person that is causing the break of trust to show the issues are in the past and will not happen again. If you dont feel the actions are consistent, then the mending cannot commence.
Like BushBabie said, there will be alot of arguing and certainly anger but he has to understand. Try to keep your cool and intelligently discuss your disappointments and difficulties in restoring unity. Whatever your faith and religious beliefs are, lean on them. I have and its made a big difference in my life to understand my wife and to serve her (and take that as easy as recognizing her needs...glass of diet coke, cup of soup, backrub, making sure her car is filled with fuel, bringing dinner to her work).
Ultimately your husband needs to understand your hurt that he disrepected the marriage. Until he does and puts himself in your shoes and realizes what it would be like, all he will do is rationalize his behavior. I dont know what else can persuade him if he has downplayed marriage counseling, religious guidance, books like Dr. Haltzman's...most people that I have heard of when they are troubled, are seeking the help by themselves. It is only on imminent disaster that the other person in the marriage will finally see it takes both husband and wife to make it all work. Good luck, and God Bless you both.
- moc
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- Joined: Tue Nov 25, 2008 2:22 pm
route22
by elizacol » Sat Jan 31, 2009 12:02 pm
I've been down that path and have come out the other side, stronger than before. It can be done.
PM me if you want. I am short on time right now.
It takes time! It has been 2 1/2 years since my H's emotional affair and I am just now feeling secure again.
Along with this site, beyondaffairs.com is wonderful ,too.
PM me if you want. I am short on time right now.
It takes time! It has been 2 1/2 years since my H's emotional affair and I am just now feeling secure again.
Along with this site, beyondaffairs.com is wonderful ,too.
- elizacol
- Posts: 165
- Joined: Fri Jul 21, 2006 10:15 am
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