My husband needs to have female relationships!

[BushBabie]

My husband has an overwhelming need to have female relationships and I don't know what else to do short of ending our six-year relationship. From the very beginning I knew that our relationship was going to be challenging specifically because his pick up line was that he already had enough female friends and that he was looking for something more. I accepted his forwardness and tried to build a friendship with him while we dated. Early on he explained to me that his best friend was a woman that he had known eight years. I wasn't completely happy about it at the time. We've since then gotten married and have one daughter.

My problem is , based on the nature of his work, he always wants to be with the young ladies from his office. Even the ones who have left their jobs with him continue to call him and vice versa.

I have no patience for cheating. In the past, he's made some poor decisions to be too chummy with females from the office and now I don't trust him. I don't know if we're going to make it through this . At every turn there is some new female friend calling or text messaging. I am a jealous person by nature, but I try not to project that on to him. To make matters worse. My husband is the "social suzy" of his office and a chatty kathy. Those two combinations don't go very well. I don't want to give up but I can't do the female friendship thing.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi BB,
Welcome to the forum.
You've invested a lot in the marriage, and, as you say, you knew who he was before you married him (I'll bet he's reminded you of this frequently when you lodge complaints). But it's understandable why you'd be worried and hurt.
If he wants the marriage to work, then ask him to read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Of course, he should read my book as well but Ms. Glass covers the topic in much better detail.
Knowledge is power, and if he knows the best way to be a husband (that includes not having close women friends who aren't friends of yours also) then he needs to hear it from an authority (no, you don't qualify as an authority!).

NB-Comments by Dr. Haltzman are not considered medical advice, but merely observations and insights meant to encourage thought and discussion.

[BushBabie]

Dr. Haltzman,

Thank you so much for responding. The books seem like a good idea. He definitely has mommy issues that play a major role in how he relates to women. He justs NEEDS to have and be around women. He gets giddy and thrives at the idea of women sitting around gossiping. He has virtually no deep male bonds and he has expressed to me that he is would like to pursue them but finds himself unable to nurture friendships with his male friends. I told him this morning, after looking at our phone records and seeing that he has made and accepted very lengthly (30 minutes or more) day time phone calls on his cell from two women in particularly on a frequent basis. I know both of the women fairly well but I still expressed to him that I don't think its appropriate and that these women should respect our relationship and not call a married man so frequently. He flew off the handle and said that I was trying to control his friendships and that he wasn't doing anything wrong. After about two hours of arguing I finally made my position clear and gave him an ultimatum which basically said that if he wanted to continue to be married to me that I was not accepted, acknowledging or condoning any new female friendships unless they were mutual. I told him that he had not earned my trust based on passed errors of judgments to even have casual friendships and that he could take it or leave it. I stood my ground, waited a couple of hours and then he relented. Now I have to see if he will actually follow through. I need to know if there is a simpler way of getting him to realize the error of his ways?

[Scott Haltzman]

The problem with issuing an ultimatum is that if your husband doesn't understand the rationale, then you come across as being irrational or unreasonable. If I gave my wife an ultimatum of either she learn to fire a rifle or I'm leaving the home, she'd think I was nuts. If I turned on the news and showed her that a stampede of buffalo were heading toward house, she'd understand why I wanted her to learn this new skill.

It may be commons sense to you that your husband cease/desist or get out, he may not appreciate your reasoning. If he does it, he'll do so resentfully, and it will take a long time to heal on that rift. It took me years of study in the field to understand this issue; don't expect it to come to him because he is told by you that this change in behavior must be.

Your best bet is to get him to buy into the concepts underlying why you are looking for a behavior change. That should be the only challenge/ultimatum right now--for him to take the time to understand where you are coming through. As I pointed out, sometimes that requires an outside "expert," since he may not accept your POV as valid, that's why reading a book on the subject may be a good step.

S.H.

[mdg]

I have been married for 21 years and for the most part the marriage has been tough. My husband has always had 1 or 2 close female friends he works with. I struggle with this, because I steer clear of male coworkers. I will eat lunch in a group with them and be friendly, but definitely have a line. My husband eats lunch alone with these women and talks about their conversations often. I was on antidepressants for years trying to "not care" about these friendships, although I felt they were wrong for a married man. He often spoke to them about how unhappy his marriage was as well as work and their families. Last May, I found several text messages and many calls to 2 women in particular. I called the phone numbers to verify who he was talking to. I left no message, just needed confirmation. One of the ladies, A, called our house and asked if I called her. I said yes. She said many things but never admitted anything. She told me that me and my husband needed to figure things out. The other former co worker, B, quit texting him, but soon after sent her resume to his company for a job working directly under him. I asked him to cut the contact with these 2 women. He was home on his birthday due to an ice storm I walked in to talk to him and a message from B asking him how his birthday was etc. When I saw the email he deleted and said he didn't contact her again. Well, 6 days later he said she email him to see if he celebrated his birthday appropriately, but swears he never responded. I really don't know what to believer or trust. After doing some checking-snooping-I found out that my husband had emailed a picture of our two sons and my husband to another lady, C, he works with. I confronted him about it and he said they were just friends. He has been to lunch with lunch. He has agreed but I can't follow him around. I try to trust him, but he can't seem to live without female attention. I met him at the movies after work for our anniversary and he told me that this new co-worker wants to by an itouch from my son... I didn't say anything, just tried to make the night a good one. We spent the day together yesterday and he was telling me some business information that C had told him. I just went on with the day. I think he metioned C another time. By the end of the afternoon he was talking about C and her kids and how much they worked out and played sports in detail. After a couple of minutes I told him TMI...He continued to talk about C's husband and his job. I asked him if was texting her and calling her before and after work like he did A & B. He told me I needed to get counseling or he was going to leave. To this day he swears he is only a friend and has never been anything more. Can he just be friends with these women or am I crazy? He has no male friends and has issues with his mother.