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So Frustrated

PostPosted: Sat Jan 31, 2009 10:49 pm
by tryingtoheal
In the 9 years we've been married and 5 years of dating, I have never looked through his email, text messages, files, etc. I have completely and totally trusted him. Recently I looked at my husbands email (he had left his account open). Can't say what drove me to do this other than something in my gut. With just a little searching, I found over 20 different women that my husband has met while traveling for 'work', out and about in the city, or during his 'boys trips' since 2005. The emails are extremely flirtations - typically originate from him and often suggest meeting for dinner, drinks, etc. in whatever city he may be in next. None of the emails suggest that these proposed meetings happened nor do they suggest anything physical happened (although it is obvious through the email trail that both parties were interested in something). Some of the emails contain photos from the women (simple head shots or full body - but nothing sexual thankfully) followed by comments from my husband about how attractive they are and how they have 'put something on him'. There are a few communications in which he told the person (when first meeting them) that he was single and 5-8 years younger than he is (he is 41). Needless to say I was completely overwhelmed by the volume and content of the emails and immediately felt hugely betrayed and hurt. I confronted my husband last month and after many tear filled discussions, he finally admitted that yes he knew the emails were inappropriate and that he would no longer communicate in person, via phone, email, etc in such a manner that would be disrespectful to me. He has made very clear steps in trying to build trust by communicating frequently and telling me all that he is doing. He appears to be much more dedicated and focused on our relationship. He keeps assuring me that he will not do anything like this again. He seems to understand that this has hurt me and could jeopardize our family (we have 2 kids). He also keeps trying to tell me that the emails meant nothing, these women mean nothing, and that this was all an ego boost for a near 40 something year old. He also has said repeatedly that his poor choices had nothing to do with me - he claims that I am the most beautiful, smartest, wonderful, blah blah blah women ever (if that is true - why would he need to pick up every young, pretty, woman that he runs into).

So, I am still hurting. He is out of town at the Super Bowl this weekend with a bunch of his guy friends (at least they too are married - although that doesn't make much of a difference in this day and age). I can't help but wonder who he is meeting or if he is connecting with any of the 'women' from the emails. My trust is simply not near what it used to be and I don't know if it will ever be the same. Previously, I would not even think twice about him being away. Total trust. Now, I am gun shy - wondering if I will get burned again and burned harder if I fully trust again. I know many people will think this is overly dramatic since I have no proof of physical interaction, but the emotional connection with many women over 4-5 years is painful enough for me. Is it possible for someone to totally change their behavior? This has been his mode of operation for sometime now...