Think I uncovered infidelity this AM ... shaken

[Strong One]

I have been with my husband for 10 years. We've had a low frequency sex life for the last 5 years. He complains about it and I have put in some effort but overall we would both get a poor score in the effort dept. I know I should try way harder to be more sexually intimate.

My husband goes out alot with his friends sometimes fairly late. I'm very 'cool' in this regard - he has his freedom. Although he has never cheated on me (as far as I know), lately I've been worried he may cheat on me.

Last night I went to bed and he went out to meet the guys. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was still not home - I felt unsettled. I think he got home btwn 4-5 AM. This morning I awoke & checked his blackberry. I found a thread that suggests to me he slept or was intimate with someone and will see her again. This may be the start of an affair – or I’m not sure exactly what it is, but I know it is not good. Here is the text thread from 5:30 AM this morning:

H: Do I really have to wait until Tuesday to see you? You look beautiful while you sleep.
O: I’d be lying is I said you didn’t. You too.
H: Can’t wait to see you again. Sleep well.
O: I’ll see you soon.

After spending some time on the internet today, I do not think I handled this well:

I told him I had a dream he cheated on me last night and asked him about it including her name. He denied it, said he would never cheat, and didn’t know a girl named ‘X'. I told him I loved him and wanted to turn our love life around. I asked him not to start cheating on me if there was anything at all going on. I said let’s go on a date next week and he said “yes how about Monday” … I said I was busy. So he said “how about Tuesday?” So sad, because it doesn’t mean anything … he can just reschedule with her for another night. He will also make sure he guards his blackberry 24/7 at a minimum he knows my radar is up. Now I've shown him even though I suspect he may have cheated, I'm desperate & will also have sex with him.

What should I do? How can I stop this from going further?

I’m really scared ... and so sad ... his words "you look beautiful while you sleep" are killing me

Thanks in advance for your advice

[Love2lovehim]

H,i Strong One. My heart goes out to you. I can totally relate to what you are going through. I've been there. Hopefully I can help you at least a little. I know this is a little late but I just saw your thread. Here goes:

First, I see you at least tried to talk to your husband about your findings by mentioning it to him like it was a dream. I've done that too. Good way to confront. I think you handled it well. But he obviously wasn't honest because you even gave him the name of the other woman. Don't let his dishonesty make you think you handled it wrong because if a man doesn't want you to know what he's up to or has been doing with another woman he either won't tell you or he will lie about it when he's confronted about it unless he's an totally honest man. After you told him about your "dream," he now knows you are on to what he is up to in a way and may even go as far as to erase text messages, phone logs, etc. I hate to say it but from the text you've shared, he is indeed or has been in the presence of someone else. It seems he has spent the night with this person before as well. Not sure where you live but there aren't too many places that stay open 24 hours to hang out with the guys except Waffle House and Wal-mart. Sadly if he really feels him putting his marriage with you at risk for failure for someone who really shouldn't matter to him is worth it, he has another thing coming. Old but very true, what goes around comes right back around. Not saying you will cheat or anything.

Also there is nothing wrong with allowing your husband to have a little freedom, but too much freedom is not good. You don't want anything bad to become of your good. I do allow my husband and vice versa to go out with his guy friends but he and I know as well as understand the boundaries. Be back at home no later than 2am and the hanging out is not a frequent thing for either one of us. Just enough to have free time from each other with friends respectfully.

I think it is a step forward and a great effort for you to at least go out on a date with your husband to try and connect with him because that is what really needs to happen. Connecting with one another and lots of communication needs to take place. Find out how he feels currently about you, the marriage and where things are headed for the two of you. Ask him is there anything he is uncomfortable with in the marriage, is he bored, how can you two connect again and better going forward. Be open and honest with him and ask that he do the same. Make sure you go to him with a calm attitude. Be careful how you approach him, say things and how you ask the questions so that he will feel very comfortable in opening up and being honest with you. It works. It has been said that a lot and all men have a hard time expressing how they feel as well as opening up. How us women approach/confront them with issues plays a role in if they open up and how.

I am so sorry and I just pray healing for your heart and mind. To see that your husband said, "you look beautiful while you sleep" sucks and that hurts me. Wow. I hope my reply is helpful to you. I pray all works out. Be strong. And if you have that staying power, fight for what you think is right as far as your marriage. Get to the root of issues and work them out. Peace be with you.

[searchlight]

You have to meet the problem in the eye.Talk to him and ask him the truth.There are agencies and gadgets which can even help you out.Sexuality is a great criteria in marriage though....try to talk it out eye to eye.

[searchlight]

You have to meet the problem in the eye.Talk to him and ask him the truth.There are agencies and gadgets which can even help you out.Sexuality is a great criteria in marriage though....try to talk it out eye to eye.