DrScott.com

A couple of years before getting married, I met a woman who became seriously interested in me, but never told me at that time, not even when she found that I already had a girlfriend and was planning to marry her. I admit that it was not fair from me to not tell about my girlfriend before getting involved with this woman. And we became closer and closer, but I never asked her to be my (second) girlfriend or my lover. Our relationship was never clearly defined; however, it included lots of mutual help, doing activities together and some sexual contact.

I married my girlfriend and thought the other woman would never call me again. Time proved I was wrong. She did, asking for emotional support (I had became in some sense her best male friend), and from there an affair started.

This relation had lots of ups and downs for more than five years, and I proposed her to make it stable: no more verbal violence, complaints, etc., and we would support each other. We tried for several months, but it did not work, and then I shifted all my efforts in the opposite direction: to end the relationship completely.

She did not accept it. She felt that would be a loss too big for her.

Soon after this I moved with my family to another country, mainly for work reasons, but I considered also that it would be a way to end that relationship. I told her about leaving the country, but did not give any details about my destination, let alone address or phone number.

However, she keeps communicating by email, trying to rebuild the relationship, kind of offering to be a "good friend," implying mutual support (she also wants sexual encounters, however). She says I helped her to change her life in a positive way to the point that I saved her life (this is before I married).

I have told her that thinking of her means negative feelings to me, I have been harsh to her (with intention or not), but she keeps trying.

I do not want to restart the affair. I would just close that email account, or not reply to her messages, but I am afraid that at some point of time she might then look for some way to damage my family. It can be just a matter of time for her to find us, and I have no intention to live hiding from her, or to file a suit for stalking or whatever other reason.

Your advice is appreciated.

Respond to her latest em and encourage her to develop a local support group because you don't have time to respond to each of her ems. Respond to only one em after a week. Then only after 10 days, then 2 wks. Messages would be you're happy about her taking good care of herself and best wishes. Good luck.

GLG - Thank you for your input.

Actually, she is not writing frequently. The interval between her last two emails was almost two months. I understand and agree with the logic in your comments, and from some months ago I have been replying only some of her emails. However, she might not write me for a year, and then suddenly appear again (in fact, she already did that).

I know that when she doesn't write she usually tries to keep herself busy with work, activities, people, etc., but it is just an illusion: the memories, the feelings, everything is intact in her mind, waiting to be triggered.

I would like to find some way to be sure she will not try to reach me.

How about not responding to her e-mails! Honestly, what other choice do
you have? What are you getting out of this by responding to her e-mails??

As for damaging your family....*that* is something you should have thought of prior to beginning/continuing this relationship while you were dating/marrying someone else. In actuality, it is you who already damaged your family, by engaging in this relationship.

Yes, there is a chance she may take further steps. That was the risk you took when you entered into an affair with her. Hindsight is 20/20.

Quit responding to her e-mails. What happens after that is out of your control!

I think your big fear is that your current wife will somehow find out. Again, this was the risk you took.

It isn't easy living with the consequences of our actions, but for some, that is how we learn, grow, and become better people. Learn from this and move on.

In light of the infrequency, I wouldn't reply at all. Years ago I was with a female like this. After we broke up, she sent me a Holiday card every year updating me on her life. I never responded in anyway. After ten years she gave up. You don't owe her anything. Once we broke up, I lost all interest in her "welfare." She is an adult and can take care of herself. You'll be way ahead if you devote all the psychic energy currently diverted to concern about her to your wife, children and extended family. Best wishes to you and your family.

elizacol and GLG - Thank you for your inputs.

GLG - Thanks a lot for sharing your experience. It really helps me to know that it might take time, but it is possible to break off this relationship, at least, by doing as you did.

All you can do is talk to her about the problem you deal with concerning your relationship with her and forget her.