Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Postby patienttoafault » Sun Aug 02, 2009 8:39 pm

Six days ago, my wife announced she had an affair with her boss. I've been mostly silent, but at one point asked questions that revealed the affair took place in our home and our bed. I'm devastated and confused.

I'm trying to take it moment-moment at this point but am not sure what I am going to do. After finding out the number of times they met and that half of them were in our bed and unprotected, I was convinced I wanted a divorce. Over this past weekend, I started to soften, but have been faced with a cold reaction from her - she has not shed a tear and today became defensive, telling me what I have done wrong over the last few months.

Things are a mess right now. I've lost 13 pounds this week and missed a day of work because I was dizzy and nauseous because I forgot to eat for 4 days. But, what concerns me the most is now I go from staying to divorce in my mind about 50 times a day. Can anyone else say they felt this way at the time a wife's affair was announced? I'd also like to know how you handled the stress and how you made your decision to stay or to leave.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and any and all advice or help is appreciated!
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Wife's affair

Postby Scott Haltzman » Mon Aug 03, 2009 7:09 am

Wow! That's intense. I can understand the dilemma. How long have you been married; do you have kids?
Scott Haltzman
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Postby patienttoafault » Mon Aug 03, 2009 12:04 pm

Scott: Thank you for the reply.

We have been married for 7.5 years and while they haven't been perfect, they have been quite good. We don't have children (we can't).

The biggest problem I have right now is thinking too much. I'm thinking of all the things I will have to face if I leave and all the things I will have to face if I stay.

I find her reaction to this process cold and rather mercenary. I feel the disclosure was more about easing her guilt and her defensiveness as a way of blaming me for her actions. Again, I'm not perfect, but I feel I have done all I can. And worse, I fear that she is incapable of accepting her blame and incapable of making the kind of change I require to stay with her.

I'm in therapy and have been for a while now (to deal with anxiety and to work on my own flaws). My therapist was as shocked as I was by the affair. I demanded she go to counseling on her own, which she has started, but she is expecting me to join her with her therapist in a few weeks. I spoke with a lawyer today, just to get information (I told the lawyer I haven't made a final decision), but she can't see me until 9/1. I haven't told my family or friends for fear of how it will affect their view of my wife should we stay together.

I'm feeling isolated and really just need some perspective to help me process this trauma. Any and all help/information is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.
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affairs suck!

Postby Scott Haltzman » Wed Aug 05, 2009 7:29 pm

Everything you've been feeling is normal. It's a terrible betrayal of trust, and put a crushing wedge between your marriage.
There are typical stages in an affair, including attempts to minimize on the perpetrators part, the hiding of facts, and the finger pointing.
You're also going through the phases of , feeling rage and insecurity. wanting to rekindle the marriage but feeling like Charlie Brown and Lucy, worried that she'll pull out the football from underneath him as he goes to kick it.
It's hard to compete against an "ideal" person whom your mate is having an affair with, because his warts don't get exposed, and you don't share the same baggage. She and he don't fight over how to load the dishwasher, or over whose home to spend Thanksgiving at!
Bottom line is that there are specific things that you can and should do to help yourself.
Check out "Beyond Affairs Network," (tell them I sent you) and get on line there--there will be many people that can help you walk through the steps to get back to a great marriage.http://www.beyondaffairs.com/BAN_support_groups.htm
Keep us posted.

The opinions offered by Dr. Haltzman do not represent advice or medical information. Rather they are offered as ideas in order to prompt discussion on this message board
Scott Haltzman
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Life will get better

Postby feniksi » Wed Feb 24, 2010 6:47 pm

What you felt normal. I lost 10 pounds in a week and coincidentally when you posted that first post last year. Focus on yourself and I hope you are doing better know, married or not.
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Update, if a bit late

Postby patienttoafault » Thu Oct 13, 2011 10:12 am

More than two years after my original post, I look back at this and at what a negative time it was for me. I feel a need to provide an update in the hopes it will help others.

The end result of this situation, for me, was to divorce. We tried counseling, but ultimately, it was not a healthy situation for me. I felt my wife wasn't ready to address her own issues and the role they played in the dissolution of our marriage (as evidenced by her statement in our first session that the affair was half my fault. To her credit, the therapist supported my statement that the state of the marriage was partly my responsibility, but the decision to have the affair was all on her.).

We lived together from October 09 through March of 10 while we were in the process of selling our house. It was a difficult and stressful time and my wife said the most horrible things to me during this time. In total I lost 50 pounds during that time, which is common. I thank my brother's wife for giving me the best advice: "you can never make a mistake taking the high road." which is what I tried to do and it did help, tremendously. That isn't to say I didn't visit the low road on occasion. Some things just have to be responded to...

We also went through mediation, which was both good and bad. I felt the mediator wasn't very impartial, but at the end, we reached a very fair arrangement for both of us.

The decision to divorce was not an easy one. We did have some good years, though the last two were difficult. I miss my in-laws, my pets, my house and certain aspects of my life, but I am a much happier person all around. I strongly encourage anyone who is faced with infidelity to think before you act. It is difficult and painful, but making an informed decision, either to stay or to leave, is better than a knee jerk reaction.

My life isn't perfect, but it is very good. I have a large and supportive family, I have a place to live and I am employed. I've also, with the help of a therapist, worked through most of my anger. I don't hate my ex-wife. I just didn't want to be married to her anymore and I'm not. That isn't to say I don't have moments of anger at her, but overall I'm very, very happy.
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Re: Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Postby justmakeaneffort » Tue Nov 22, 2011 8:59 am

Dear Patienttoafault,
I am sorry to hear that you’re having to go through this difficult situation. I understand that you are looking for guidance in how to handle the stress that comes when someone we love causes us pain. Also, I realize that you are looking for help in deciding whether to stay or go; after all it is the ultimate choice. You stated “she has not shed a tear and today she became defensive, telling me what I have done wrong over the last few months.” Since she feels that you are also at fault for some things over the past few months, it is clear that you and your wife have some unresolved issues. Do you and your wife feel that the mistakes that you have both made are too much to forgive? Have you two tried seeking help or attempted to go to marriage counseling?
My psychology teacher, Dr. M, recently taught my class about infidelity and how to move forward. She said that “you may cycle through emotions of shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt and remorse many times in a single day, one minute vowing to end the marriage and the next wanting desperately to save it.” So the fact that you go from wanting to stay to divorce many times a day is completely normal and all part of the process. It is important to take one step at a time. Recovering from an affair is possible. It is a long process but it is possible to survive this affair. Consider being open and honest with your wife. Once you take time to get over the initial shock discuss what happened, even though it may be hard and heart breaking to hear what happened. Consider shared and common goals for you and your wife. If a common goal for you and your wife is reconciliation, understand that it is going to take time repair you marriage and you’re going to have to put you blood, sweat and tears into it. One important thing that Dr. M told us is that it is important to forgive. Although you are devastated and forgiveness isn’t likely to come easily, it can become easier overtime is important if you intend to stay with your wife.
My advice to you is to stay with your wife and take some time and see if things are repairable. Don’t make any rash decisions that you may regret a few years from now. I think a few steps you and your wife should take are 1. give each other space: take a “time out” from each other if you feel your emotions are getting the best of you, 2.seek support: talk to your loved ones and friends to gain their perspective and feelings on the situation and maybe they can put things in perspective for you, and 3. take your time: take some time to take in and understand the situation, hold off on discussing what happened with your wife until you can have a civil conversation. I think if you both want to save your marriage you should put in your blood, sweat and tears because it is possible to recover from this. If both you and your wife are committed to rebuilding and repairing your relationship and you both have the strength and determination for the task, the reward may be a partnership and a relationship that grows in honesty, deepness and intimacy and it may end up bringing you closer than ever before. Good luck!
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Re: Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Postby LoudSilence » Fri Nov 30, 2012 7:43 pm

I understand that your wife was unfaithful to you and had an affair with her boss. I can see the pain that it is taking on you in your text on this post. You’re exhibiting great sorrow and confusion in your life right now rather than anger, correct? Physical affects such as weight loss, dizziness, and nausea is becoming apparent.

I’ve learned that when an affair occurs, there are lots of questions and details that need to be asked and discussed in order to begin the recovery process. Dr. Scott Haltzman says that “It is hard to be on the receiving end of such devastating news, but don’t let the emotional overload get in the way of effective communication.”

In your case, time is essential to making the best decisions. Over time, you’ve come to the realization that you needed to take a step back and look at the picture from a different perspective. While the whole affair is still taking a toll on your health, your want and desire to make the marriage work is alive and well.

I believe you truly want to make this relationship work. I would recommend you take some time for yourself to get your head together. You need to properly process what you already know before any more information is given. Lengthy conversations need to take place with your wife. Everything must be put out on the table, and without emotional overload taking place. Your trust was betrayed and what you’re feeling is normal human behavior, but how you go forward is entirely up to you. The initial shock will fade, and an open discussion and even counseling will need to occur if you both want this marriage to prevail. Remember, take some time for you. Best of luck to you.
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Re: Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Postby helpful eyes » Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:09 pm

I see the type of situation you have been put into with your wife committing adultery and let me give my condolences. That is a very stressful and sticky situation you have been put under. I support you looking for help and advice in such a situation instead of acting out of rage and on an unclear mind. Even though you stated you are affiliated with physical affects from the mess (loss of weight, dizziness, nausea), you still were able to look for other’s who experienced the same hardship to seek counseling.

I have learned from my experiences and the close people around me that when affairs come, they come with a lot of baggage and problems, too big for one person to try to handle by themselves. My psychology teacher has taught the class about affairs and how people handle them. In the notes the professor has supplied us says, “There are many emotions that come to one who has experienced adultery like shock, sadness, anger. But it is important to try to talk things out before making decisions”.

In your case, you have experienced many of these emotions and more, which can make thinking and acting critically hard. But once you prevail over the emotional roller coaster enough to be able to think more about everything and put things in their place you should have a better understanding of what has happened and what you should do.

In this case I think what you did was right, even if the news hurts you and you couldn't handle it for the time being, you can just say you need some time to think things over and then when you are ready you can go to the person and ask questions to try to sort things out. This is exactly what you did. Also after taking in all the details and information you need you should then think critically about the information that has been given and the past of which you two have been together and then make a decision based on that analysis. Again this is what you have done. Sorry for the misfortune that has been bestowed on you, but you have undertook it strongly and head on which a lot of people do not do. Good job and good luck!
helpful eyes
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Re: Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Postby PsychologyStudent » Mon Oct 28, 2013 4:37 pm

So what I understand is that your wife has committed adultery in your own home. She had sex with her boss in your bed sometimes unprotected. It seems like you are having a lot of emotions and you are looking for advice on how to handle it and if it is normal and also whether to leave her or not, is that correct? It is completely normal to feel that way; you received very hurtful news from someone that you love. When I received the news that my boyfriend, who I was in love with, was now with his girl “best friend” I was heartbroken. I didn’t eat for days and was almost hospitalized because of it. I didn’t feel like going to work or school. So I understand what you are going through with emotions that are normal.

In my psychology class, my professor writes in our notes that love is made up of three things according to Robert Stenberg. One is passion- having the excitement or sexual wanting to see someone or talk to someone. The second one is intimacy- shearing thing with one another. And the last one is commitment-wants to be with you and only you. You need all of these to have consummate love. If you want to find out if she still loves you and wants to be with you Dr. Haltzman says the only way to really fix a relationship after someone cheats, is that the cheater has to give his or her spouse full assess to everything of theirs. Meaning their cell phone, Facebook, emails, and so on.

It seems like your wife could be lacking one or two of the elements that make up consummate love. She may be lacking passion so that’s why she started sleeping with her boss so she would have something new and exciting. She may also be lacking commitment. Her being with someone else doesn’t show commitment to you. Also with her not shedding a tear at all kind of shows she might not regret her adultery. I cheated on one of my boyfriends before and when he found out I did not cry or had an ounce of guilt. That’s how I knew I didn’t care about him like how he cared about me. In your debate on whether to end the marriage or not, listen to Dr. Haltzman advice. If she tells you no, she doesn’t want to do that, she might still be cheating or does not want to save the marriage.

With her being defensive towards you and blaming you for things, it sounds like she is trying to justify what she has done. She might be feeling guilty so she has to put you down so you wont bring up her cheating. What you could do is talk about what she wants you to work on in the marriage and if she is willing to work on it too. Maybe the reason why she told you is so she can get passed this and save the marriage. I would tell her how you have been feeling and see how she reacts to the emotions she’s been putting you through.
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Re: Wife Committed Adultery: Looking For Some Perspective

Postby troublebj » Sun Nov 17, 2013 10:14 am

So, what you are saying is your wife had an affair with her boss and in your home/bed that you share together. At first you were angry, but not you are unsure of your decision. How long have the two of you been married? And had she expressed to you prior to the affair, that there were any problems in your marriage? I too was in a 2 marriages and was cheated on both times, and it has been in my experience that once they have cheated...they will do it again. Now I know there are cases where that is not true, but it has been in my experiences (2 marriages, 2 cheaters) that it doesn't just end there.

In my social psychology class, we are learning that there are different kinds of love, however; you must have intimacy, passion and commitment to have consummate love. Consummate which means to bring to a state of perfection. Although you have not told us much about the passion or intimacy in your entry, it does seem that your wife has some commitment issues. And now, after finding this out, I am sure there will be lots of trust issues. We learned in our class that there are a number of things that Dr. Scott says must be done in order to decide where to go in your relationship after an affair.
1. Your spouse needs to cut off all contact with her boss.
2. You need to sit down with your wife and she needs to write a letter to her boss explicitly stating that she wants to remain marriage to you and that her boss is NOT TO CONTACT her. She needs to make that clear.
3. You also have the right to ask and have any questions you may have answered honestly, even if it is the worst details of her affair. She needs to answer any and all questions you have.
4. There must be complete transparency in your relationship, which means she has to be willing to give you all passwords to social networks, emails, cell phones and voicemail.
5. If her boss does contact her, any and all contact must be forwarded to you immediately, and she needs to shut it down.

If your wife is not willing to cooperate and deal with the hurt that she has caused, then you need to take that into consideration. If she is not willing to answer all of your questions, or give you her passwords because "you should trust her"....she needs to understand that you did trust her, until she destroyed that trust. Now she needs to earn it again.

In my opinion, you need to look deep inside yourself and decide if you will be able to deal with this. Although you have the right to have all your questions answered, at some point you have to stop asking. You have to stop bringing it up, or throwing it in your wife’s face (not saying you do this) during fights. If you can not let it go, and in my experience it is very hard to do, than your marriage will never begin to heal. If she is fully cooperative and devoted to repairing your marriage, then she will be willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy again and reassure you that this is not going to happen again. If she does that, after a little time you will begin to heal and let it go. But if she does it again, it is in my opinion that there are no third and fourth chances.

Good Luck to you! I know exactly what you are going through.
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