by troublebj » Sun Nov 17, 2013 10:14 am
So, what you are saying is your wife had an affair with her boss and in your home/bed that you share together. At first you were angry, but not you are unsure of your decision. How long have the two of you been married? And had she expressed to you prior to the affair, that there were any problems in your marriage? I too was in a 2 marriages and was cheated on both times, and it has been in my experience that once they have cheated...they will do it again. Now I know there are cases where that is not true, but it has been in my experiences (2 marriages, 2 cheaters) that it doesn't just end there.
In my social psychology class, we are learning that there are different kinds of love, however; you must have intimacy, passion and commitment to have consummate love. Consummate which means to bring to a state of perfection. Although you have not told us much about the passion or intimacy in your entry, it does seem that your wife has some commitment issues. And now, after finding this out, I am sure there will be lots of trust issues. We learned in our class that there are a number of things that Dr. Scott says must be done in order to decide where to go in your relationship after an affair.
1. Your spouse needs to cut off all contact with her boss.
2. You need to sit down with your wife and she needs to write a letter to her boss explicitly stating that she wants to remain marriage to you and that her boss is NOT TO CONTACT her. She needs to make that clear.
3. You also have the right to ask and have any questions you may have answered honestly, even if it is the worst details of her affair. She needs to answer any and all questions you have.
4. There must be complete transparency in your relationship, which means she has to be willing to give you all passwords to social networks, emails, cell phones and voicemail.
5. If her boss does contact her, any and all contact must be forwarded to you immediately, and she needs to shut it down.
If your wife is not willing to cooperate and deal with the hurt that she has caused, then you need to take that into consideration. If she is not willing to answer all of your questions, or give you her passwords because "you should trust her"....she needs to understand that you did trust her, until she destroyed that trust. Now she needs to earn it again.
In my opinion, you need to look deep inside yourself and decide if you will be able to deal with this. Although you have the right to have all your questions answered, at some point you have to stop asking. You have to stop bringing it up, or throwing it in your wife’s face (not saying you do this) during fights. If you can not let it go, and in my experience it is very hard to do, than your marriage will never begin to heal. If she is fully cooperative and devoted to repairing your marriage, then she will be willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy again and reassure you that this is not going to happen again. If she does that, after a little time you will begin to heal and let it go. But if she does it again, it is in my opinion that there are no third and fourth chances.
Good Luck to you! I know exactly what you are going through.