Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby tryingtoheal » Wed Aug 05, 2009 9:06 pm

I've seen many inappropriate emails and other communications between my husband and other women recently (in his inbox and dated back for the past three years - we've been married for 10). To make the story as short as possible... we've discussed what I found, that I should not have been in his stuff, that he should not have inappropriate interactions with women, etc. Fast forward to now... my gut has been working overtime, I could just sense something was going on... I fought to stay away from 'snooping' which I had stopped doing since the first time that I looked 9 months ago. I could tell through his elusiveness, lost interest in sex, evasiveness that something was up. Even though I knew better, I looked at his phone and voila....more TOTALLY inappropriate text and messages to a women at work. Drinks, coffee, lots of lunches, notes telling her how great she looks today, meeting when I am out town, etc. So, I am challenged at this point. I want my marriage to work, but I cannot admit that I went through his stuff again - as I promised I would not (and actually had not since it was discussed). BUT, he isn't keeping his promise either and I just don't want to sit here while this emotional (if not already physical) affair takes off. Clearly, we've lost trust in each other and I am not sure how we step forward. How do I stop this vicious cycle? Help!!
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You did what you had to do.

Postby Scott Haltzman » Thu Aug 06, 2009 8:35 am

it's a smokescreen on his part to say "you shouldn't have snooped!" Eveything in your life should be open to each other, except, perhaps, birthday presents before the event and your personal thoughts. Research suggests that "innocent" meetings with attractive people outside of knowledge of a spouse.are NOT innocent. Or at least they don't stay innocent. That's the offense--not finding out about it.
Read: Not Just Friends, it's a good starting point.
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Postby elizacol » Sun Aug 16, 2009 12:15 am

I've been through this exact thing. I'm so sorry you are going through it. It hurts more than anything.

PM me if you want some advice/help/someone to talk to. I'd be more than happy to do what I can to help.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby psychstudent92094 » Tue Nov 12, 2013 5:31 pm

As I understand, you have seen inappropriate E-mails and other communications between your husband and other women. His messages have dated back to 3 years, and you have been married to him for 10 years. Once you discussed this with your husband, I’m sure you did not expect this occurring again. With reason, 9 months later your gut told you to begin looking at his E-mail again. Unfortunately, you discovered not much has changed and he is continuing to text and E-mail women. Now you feel challenged as to how you should handle this situation. You want your marriage to work, but you are afraid as to how he will react about you invading his privacy again.

In my Psychology class my Professor taught us about the fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error is the tendency to blame the person and not focus on the situation. The fundamental attribution error also relates to blaming the victim. Blaming the victim is the tendency to blame an innocent victim of misfortune for having caused the problem or for not taking steps to prevent it. Dr. Haltzman says in a relationship if someone cheats on the other person and they decide to stay together the number 1 rule is complete disclosure (tell everything). His second rule is to cut off all contact with the person who he/she was with.

In your case, your husband seems to be blaming the victim (you). He makes you feel guilty for looking at his E-mails and text messages. He is aware that you have caught him talking to other women inappropriately, but he continues to do so. This relates to the fundamental attribution error because he is focusing on you snooping, and not his mistake of talking to other women. Since, you want your marriage to work Dr. Haltzman would recommend that you need complete disclosure about everything that has happened with these women, and that it needs to stop.

It may be easier said than done, but I believe if you want your marriage to work you need to confront your husband. You should not feel guilty in any way for reading his messages, especially since this has occurred in the past. In my opinion, in a relationship any social networks, text messages, and E-mails should be open at anytime for your partner to view. You will feel a sign of relief once you talk to your husband about what you have discovered.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby psychstudent92094 » Fri Nov 15, 2013 8:53 am

As I understand, you have seen inappropriate E-mails and other communications between your husband and other women. His messages have dated back to 3 years, and you have been married to him for 10 years. Once you discussed this with your husband, I’m sure you did not expect this occurring again. With reason, 9 months later your gut told you to begin looking at his E-mail again. Unfortunately, you discovered not much has changed and he is continuing to text and E-mail women. Now you feel challenged as to how you should handle this situation. You want your marriage to work, but you are afraid as to how he will react about you invading his privacy again.
In my Psychology class my Professor taught us about the fundamental attribution error. The fundamental attribution error is the tendency to blame the person and not focus on the situation. The fundamental attribution error also relates to blaming the victim. Blaming the victim is the tendency to blame an innocent victim of misfortune for having caused the problem or for not taking steps to prevent it. Dr. Haltzman says in a relationship if someone cheats on the other person and they decide to stay together the number 1 rule is complete disclosure (tell everything). His second rule is to cut off all contact with the person who he/she was with.
In your case, your husband seems to be blaming the victim (you). He makes you feel guilty for looking at his E-mails and text messages. He is aware that you have caught him talking to other women inappropriately, but he continues to do so. This relates to the fundamental attribution error because he is focusing on you snooping, and not his mistake of talking to other women. Since, you want your marriage to work Dr. Haltzman would recommend that you need complete disclosure about everything that has happened with these women, and that it needs to stop.
It may be easier said than done, but I believe if you want your marriage to work you need to confront your husband. You should not feel guilty in any way for reading his messages, especially since this has occurred in the past. In my opinion, in a relationship any social networks, text messages, and E-mails should be open at anytime for your partner to view. You will feel a great amount of relief once you talk to your husband about what you have discovered.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby basketcase24 » Sun Nov 17, 2013 9:31 pm

So your husband has been having inappropriate conversations with one of her co-workers and this has upset you. You viewed his emails and saw the inappropriate things that were being discussed between the two of them and became upset over it. You discussed these messages with him and he became very defensive saying that you should not be looking through his messages and respect his privacy. You feel that he is being distant with you and is going against the trust that you have given to him when you two became married. You don't want to look through his emails and texts to feel that you don't trust him but also do not want to let this type of interaction to continue on anymore.
There is a option for this that I have read in my psychology textbook that is called behavioral couple therapy. The book states that it is therapy based on the assumption that couples are satisfied when they experience more reinforcement then punishment in their relationship. Saying that it focuses on increasing how the two can learn to care for each other more you can resolve your problems in a more caring manner. What I was told in class is that Dr. Haltzman has his own three steps to surviving infidelity as well for if your husband wants to make the marriage work. Dr. Haltzman says the three steps are for him to cut off communication with this person, For if you ask about the events of what has gone on between the two of them that he has to tell you everything, and that you are allowed to have access to all of his accounts and can check at anytime you feel that you need to.
In your case your husband is very defensive when it comes to bringing up the issues that you have with the communication with this woman from work. Talking with him about the possibility of therapy to have someone talk with you and work on this problem may not be a bad thing. Let the issues be discussed and see if a resolution can be brought up. If it can have what Dr. Haltzman has said be brought up and receive his passwords so you are allowed to see the things that he is communicating about. He should not have a problem with it if there is nothing for him to hide.
You two should try and sit down with each other and have a heart to heart talk about the situation that you two are in. No yelling or arguing just a actual talk between the two of you and share the feelings that are bothering you and how they are affecting you in your life. You can talk about therapy or maybe even the communication that you two have will open his eyes and see that what he is doing is wrong and hurting you. Hopefully with a honest conversation it will open his eyes and really want to work on the marriage and want to make things work and be happy with you. You still have communication and from what you said it seems that you two still listen to the things that you two are saying so he still has love for you just gotta work past this road block if this is to be worked out.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby psychEB » Sun Nov 17, 2013 10:00 pm

You have been married to your husband for ten years. Nine months ago you found that your husband was exchanging inappropriate emails with another woman, dating as far back as three years. When you confronted him about it he made it out to be as you were the one in the wrong for looking through his messages. You promised you wouldn't look through his messages and he promised he would stop the inappropriate messages. Time has passed but your gut has been telling you that something is still off. Your husband has lost the desire to have sex, and he has been elusive and vague. When you looked through his messages again you found that he was still communicating with her inappropriately, and proof that he is even meeting up with her outside of work. You want to keep the marriage working, and you are not sure how to further handle the situation, knowing you’ve lost your trust in your husband.
To me it sounds like you are doing what you can to save your marriage. It sounds like you love your husband and don’t want to lose him. My psychology professor says that you need three things to maintain a close relationship: “Equity - what you get is what you put in; Self-Disclosure - revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others; and Attachment - trust and intimacy.” I think you and your husband are lacking in all three areas. What you are putting into the relationship you are obviously not getting from it. You guys have no attachment anymore. And your husband is not giving you any self-disclosure. Dr. Scott Haltzman says “It is okay to have friends of the opposite sex as long as they are friends of the marriage.” Even if this woman your husband is talking to is really just a friend, it is not okay for him to have her as such. She is a friend of only him, not to both of you. You need to approve of them hanging out together outside of work.
I personally believe that you should confront your husband about the messages you recently found. As you said “…I promised I would not…BUT, he isn’t keeping his promise either…” When you confront him you will find out if he wants to save your marriage as well as you do. Dr. Scott Haltzman says that there are two things you need to do to save your marriage when a partner has cheated. The first is to be completely honest about everything that happened and give your partner complete openness. This means that your husband would have to give you his passwords to his emails, Facebook, complete access to his phone and computer and whatever else you might want access to. The second thing is to cut off contact with other person completely. Your husband would have to sit down with you and email or text the woman that you know everything and not to contact him again. If your husband is willing to do these things he wants to save your marriage. If he does want to save your marriage then you two can begin to work on the things to rebuild and maintain a close relationship.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby Penelope Grace » Mon Nov 18, 2013 3:55 pm

As I understand, you and your husband have been experiencing infidelity issues in your relationship. The first time you caught him having relations with another woman, you both agreed what he was doing was extremely inappropriate for a married man, but you also discussed how snooping through his things was inappropriate as well. Then, 9 months later your husbands elusiveness, lost interest in sex, and evasiveness motivated you to snoop again, leading to your findings of more inappropriate contact with another woman.
One question you might have is why? My psychology professor says that developmental psychology has a significant impact on the way you behave as an adult. Developmental psychology is the study of how you change physically, socially and mentally throughout your life span. It could very well be that your husband wasn’t exposed to the right parenting to be able to stay committed in a relationship. Dr scott states “When your partner has an affair, there is much you want to know, and you have every right to hear the details.”
If your husband was insecurely attached to his caregivers as a child, this could be a reason he has trouble staying faithful. Permissive parenting styles could be a reason for his lack of commitment as well. Seeing as to how you and your husband were able to make up after the first incident, your husband obviously wants to be with you or he would have left you after you found out about the other woman. Referring back to Dr Scotts quote, being married gives you the right to know personal information about each other and is not considered snooping once you have signed the marriage papers.
Confront your husband about the emails he has exchanged with this other woman. Dr Scott says that after the first time you have caught your spouse cheating, there are 4 rules to mending the relationship. 1. Your husband must cut off all connection with the other woman. 2. As a couple, you two must sit down and send an email to the other woman, expressing how there will be no more contact between the two of them. 3. You get to know all passwords, emails, and texts sent from your husband (if you so choose). Everything must be open and honest. 4. You have the right to ask any questions you would like about the emails, and your husband must answer honestly. If you want to get your husband back, you both need to start working as a team again.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby PolishGirl » Wed Nov 20, 2013 10:46 pm

So you’re saying that your husband has been communicating very inappropriately with other women for the past three years. You both discussed what you have discovered and you probably thought he was listening and understanding you. You promised yourself you would not snoop. Nine months later you came to find that nothing you said registered in his head because you found many more communications. You want this marriage to work, but you both cannot trust each other, and he does not want his space invaded.

Dr. Haltzman says that there are four rules when one has an affair:
1. YOU have the RIGHT to ask ANYTHING and to know EVERYTHING
2. HE has to CUT OFF ALL contact with these women.
3. You AND your husband need to sit down together and write back to these women stating there will be no further communication or contact between them.
4. YOU have the RIGHT to know ALL his PASSWORDS.

Now with all that being said, you said you promised yourself that you would not snoop. Why? Is it because you want to play your role as a wife and give him his space? Well in this case you do not need to. You should not feel guilty for having these “gut feelings” and wanting to see what he is up to. Don’t be hard on yourself, if you feel something is up you have the right to check it out. What good is it not be up his butt about everything he does if he did it once before? You clearly don’t trust him, you said it yourself. Why not just go snoop around whenever you feel like it. It is a rule, it’s allowed. He is your husband and you have the right to know everything. People act defensive when they have a guilty conscious. If he’s so defensive about you not being able to look then you know that there’s something he’s hiding and you can do anything to find out.

My professor says:
“It is NOT ok to have friends of the opposite sex UNLESS they are friends of the marriage.”
These are not friends of the marriage you clearly disapprove of his behavior. He cannot be going out and having lunch with them or meeting up with them. He is 100% wrong. He needs to stop this behavior. He’s braking all the rules.


***On a side note there is something called the Fundamental Attribution Error***
The fundamental attribution error is the “tendency to blame an innocent victim of misfortune for having caused the problem or for not taking steps to prevent it.” I don’t know much about your husband’s life; however, I do know that part of developmental psychology is how a person changes physically, socially, and mentally throughout their life.
• Were you husband’s parents married?
• Was he insecurely attached to them as a younger boy?
Maybe these are the reasons for him not being able to stay faithful. A relationship takes two people, I understand that what your husband is doing is completely wrong, but maybe he had the misfortune of his parents being divorced or maybe he had parents that weren’t loving and caring and always there for him. Maybe he learned that behavior from them. Also, equity is basically what you get is what you put in. Have you been a good wife? Have you been meeting his needs? I’m not saying it is your fault for his behavior, but there are two of you and there are two perspectives.

Robert Sternberg views attraction as a triangle
Intimacy
Passion
Commitment
Passion and Intimacy is considered Romantic Love
Commitment and Intimacy is considered Companionate Love
Passion and Commitment is considered Fatuous Love

You said you’re trying to make the marriage work. You cannot be the one putting all the effort into it. It has to be 50/50, otherwise he doesn’t care enough.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby Deunis » Mon Dec 02, 2013 6:07 pm

It’s been nine months since you discovered your husband’s emotional attachment to this other women. It’s been dated back three years and it is becoming worse? If his affair is not yet physical then it may be in a matter of time. You both agreed to a promise that it seems neither of you are keeping. However, “snooping” may only result in a further elusiveness of the marriage. Communication between you and your spouse is key to recovering a healthy marriage.

Dr. Scott Halzman says there are three important steps for surviving an affair. First is cut off all communication with the person he cheated on (emotional or physical). The second is he must tell you everything that you may ask about the affair. Third is he gives you every single password/access to any social network, email, phone records, etc. leaving no privacy at all. My psychology teacher taught us there are three important aspects to maintain a close relationship. The first one is equity, what you get is what you put in. The second one is self-disclosure, or revealing intimate aspects to oneself to others. The third is attachment or trust and intimacy.

Your husband has continued this secret relationship with this female from work. From this point on, all trust is thrown out the window. Ignoring this problem will not solve it nor will it fix your marriage. If your husband is truly willing to fix your marriage then he will participate in the previous steps recommended by Dr. Scott Haltzman himself. Your husband must be willing to cut off all communication with this person. Then, any secrets he has must be shared. It may seem to cause more tension or make you upset but the truth must be let out in order to continue. He must also give you all passwords to any social network or emails that may be used to contact this person. You mentioned your husbanded loves his privacy but he now has to lose it all. Remember, he only needs his privacy if he has something to hide. This whole situation will not bring you and your husband’s close relationship back but it will save it. In order to retrieve the feelings you both shared is to follow the steps of maintaining close relationships. Equity will go a long way and also relates to the steps your husband has to go through. “What you get is what you put in” so if your husband is willing to forfeit his privacy then you should too. You may have nothing to hide but he may still feel better knowing all your secrets too. Self-disclosure means you and your husband need to open up and share your feelings. Knowing how you both feel about topics such as fantasies, needs, and dreams will bring you two closer as you try to fulfill each other’s desires. Attachment shows that you truly need your husband (vice versa) and enjoy every moment with him. You both should depend on one another to keep a healthy relationship.

I propose you follow these steps even if you do not believe it will work. This advice will not make matters any worse than they are now. You are a strong person for not giving up on your husband. Most people find it easier to sign divorce papers then to work it out. There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Knowing how to handle all the problems that you and everyone else in the world is dealt with will only make your relationship with your husband stronger. I hope this was helpful for you and I wish you the best of luck.
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Re: Husband has "Secret" female friend at work...

Postby Gladimeir15 » Mon Jan 11, 2016 8:53 am

I've seen many inappropriate emails and other communications between my husband and other women recently (in his inbox and dated back for the past three years - we've been married for 10). To make the story as short as possible... we've discussed what I found, that I should not have been in his stuff, that he should not have inappropriate interactions with women, etc. Fast forward to now... my gut has been working overtime, I could just sense something was going on... I fought to stay away from 'snooping' which I had stopped doing since the first time that I looked 9 months ago. I could tell through his elusiveness, lost interest in sex, evasiveness that something was up. Even though I knew better, I looked at his phone and voila....more TOTALLY inappropriate text and messages to a women at work. Drinks, coffee, lots of lunches, notes telling her how great she looks today, meeting when I am out town, etc. So, I am challenged at this point. I want my marriage to work, but I cannot admit that I went through his stuff again - as I promised I would not (and actually had not since it was discussed). BUT, he isn't keeping his promise either and I just don't want to sit here while this emotional (if not already physical) affair takes off. Clearly, we've lost trust in each other and I am not sure how we step forward. How do I stop this vicious cycle? Help!!


It is time for you to confront your husband. But your trust and faith with your husband should still be there. Talk to him in a relaxing way, honestly, and understandable flow of communication. :)
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