Wife left, how to get her back?

[Norcal1960]

My wife of twelve years, we have an 11 year old son together, recently (3 weeks ago) moved out into our motorhome. She is also having an affair, with her first boyfriend, who she located on Facebook. The first boyfriend has had drug problems and still uses a little bit, is a recovered alcoholic, doesn't work and lives in a very shabby place. My wife is a successful high-tech sales executive. We have a nice home, motorhome, boat, cars, etc. Nonetheless, my wife feels this deep passionate love when she is with this first boyfriend and she can't let go of it. She says she felt neglected by me and lost the passion she had for me when we first married. I admit, I did a terrible job of being a loving husband. Now, I've read The Secrets of Happily Married Men, and I feel like kicking myself for all the obvious mistakes I've made. We have also been to two counseling sessions, which we both thought were very good, but my wife finds them to be a big effort because its very emotional for her and she cries a lot in them. She says she wishes she could feel the way she did about me 12 years ago, but she can't. She has an anger towards me for not having been the loving husband I should have been. We can talk to each other, we have lunch together as a couple, dinners with our son--but we can't have a "date" i.e. a meal where romance is trying to be built. I love my wife deeply and want to grow old with her. I can forgive the affair--I feel I drove her to it. So, the question is, how can I tear down my wife's wall of anger that separates us and try to re-build our relationship?

[Norcal1960]

OK, my wife ended the affair today. But, we are still separated. She is very angry with me because of the lack of loving and cherishing and says she doesn't want to be married to me. I guess I should be thankful that the affair is over, but it doesn't seem like things are getting better...

[ThunderHorse]

Do you know how to listen unconditionally?


If she says something you argree with, you can say "That's Right, I see,"

If she says something you don't like, or disagree with, you can say, "There are probably a number of people who agree with that." That implies that you don't agree with her, but that you see the value of her point of view.

Search this Forum for 180 Degree Divorce Busters, and the Love Diet..

Do something different each week. Show you can cahange anything she might want you to change, as often as she might wich it changed.

What are all the things your wife has asked you to change?

Search Couples, for Love and Respect. If you want more respect, Loyalty, then give her more Love.

Search spiderwebbing. You don't seem to kn9ow what your wife wants, and how that changes. You don't seem to have a blueprint for getting your wife's love back.


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[ThunderHorse]

Congratulations on the affair being ended. There is a book, SURVIVING AN AFFAIR, by Harley, that gives some detailed pointers. As you see, the ending of the affair, is not the whole answer.

[Norcal1960]

Thunderhorse, thanks for your tips and advice. I know I still have more work to do. Last night, we had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants that we hadn't been to in a long time and it was good--we both felt that we connected. After that we went back to the motorhome where my wife is living and cuddled a bit. Not ready for intimacy, but seems to be a good step forward.

[ThunderHorse]

Sounds like your strategy is working. It is surprising how 15 minutes a day of unconditonal listening can build Love for a woman.

Yesterday, I listened to my wife tell the exact same story for the day before. But my wife was still trying to put the events into perspective, so it was useful for her to tell the story again. I just ask about little things that seem to be bothering my wife, and she gets to talking about them, for 15 minutes easy.

Cuddling could be more important than intimacy at this stage of rebuilding Love. Trust for a woman comes partly from a feeling that a Husband is interested in any of the Wife's problems, not just a select few.

Dinner at a Restaurant usually gives a woman 15 minutes of unconditional listening from the man. Carrying over the habit to the home, everyday, was a little challenge for me. I was in the habit of cutting my wife off from subjects I was not inteested in, or with which I dsiagreeed.

Chapter 4 of THE SECRETS OF HAPPILY MARRIED MEN gives some ideas of topics for converation to know your wife, to discover changes in her beliefs, as she, and situations, change.


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