Im the other woman.

[Mistress13]

Let me start by saying, I am against cheating at all costs, I believe in counseling, and working things out, otherwise, get a damn divorce and please stop ruining peoples mental stability for you're own joy ride. When I met the man I'm with now, I full out nagged, bitched, and criticized him for ever trying to pick up women, never did I think I'd be in his arms.

He dated for a long period of his marriage with other women. He got married to his wife when she was 19 and he 24, due to her getting pregnant. I've tried several times to leave him, but I love him, and every time I gather the strength to do so, he looks hurt and he makes efforts to change so I see him more. He spends a lot of money on me, and even after 3 weeks of dating he got me a beautiful, very expensive necklace.

We're now on our 3rd month, and about 3 weeks ago he had been having recent problems with his marriage. We were at dinner having a glass of wine, and he told me they were separating, they agreed that they'll never work out anything if they don't split. He was looking forward to it for the most part, though upset about not seeing his daughter as much.

Three weeks later, nothing has changed, I bumbarded him with questions, telling him that I'm not going to wait around for this crap. He told me that with his film ( he's a director ) and working on it constantly he doesn't have the energy to stop and think about a separation because of how draining it was. I also asked him if him and his wife have talked about the separation since, he said no, it was a sensitive topic. He did tell me that she doesn't want to let go. I really want to sting him bad, leave, have him miserable without me realize that at his age he's either got to leave his wife or work it out.

Oh, we have serious plans on going to Spain the first week of July...

Any thoughts from other married men?

[happy in PA]

Wow! I am going to assume that this is for real.

You have to see what this guy is. You note that he has dated others throughout his marriage. He gives you a line about marital trouble, separating, etcl, but no separation happens. This guy is playing you.

Buck up your courage, tell him it is ove and run, don't walk, as quickly as you can in the other direction.

Just my humble opinion.

Happy in PA

[Bernadette]

I just want to say, I too don't like infidelity. But, who am I to judge. My marriage has been and is still in a vicious cycle. Fourteen years of abuse, three restraining orders and a divorce in process. With all of this going on, I've ended up getting into another relationship which will not go well. I am involved with a man that is married, and I don't think he is willing to leave his wife.

He has told me before that they were splitting up. I believed that he cared for me the same way that I have grown to care for him. But, almost 4 years later, I am learning that he only uses me. I guess I have been doing the same with him.

We use each other for the comfort and understanding that we can't get from our spouses. We talk and see each other on a regular basis. It feels as if we're married to each other.

My view that I am trying to make is, HE will use you and just keep playing you for as long as you allow it. HE will do and say what HE needs to keep you from leaving him.

As for me, sharing this most very intimate secret of mine has made me realize that I need to make some serious choices, changes in my life.

Thank you for your post/topic. It has helped me open my eyes. Hopefully it has helped you in some way........Aloha, Dette

[ThunderHorse]

Oh, we have serious plans on going to Spain the first week of July...

Any thoughts from other married men?

Thanks for posting your dilemna.

I have a tendency not to follow rules, and I have decided recently that I should thank people who encourage me to follow rules, and use good team work.

So first let me thank you for the years of your criticizing the Director about cheating on his wife, with other women, over the past years.

I stopped contacting a friend who encouraged me to follow up on a pssing attraction for another woman. I am still married, and I try to avoid discussing anything critical of my wife with other women. That seems to keep things in perspectve. When women do not have a reason to think there is any problem with a marriage, then they are less susceptible to affairs.

It appears that this Director likes to criticize his wife to other women. If you have any hope of having the Director to be faithful to you, then I suggest you help the Director get in the habit of not criticizing his wife. If the Director starts criticizing you, to other women, then other women will fall for the Director.

It may be that the Director is an incurable philanderer. It may be that your being the Director's mistress is the kindest thing you can do for his wife, so he is not running around with other women. There are protocols or rules of being considerate, as a mistress, in an affair. One book is something like 50 Mile affairs. Secrecy is difficult, but discretion may be priceless.

Maybe a phrase to the Director, "I don't feel that you are addressing the problems and responsibilities of your marriage. Let's go to a counselor, to help you to better handle your problems with your daughter's mother."

What are the Director's problems with is daughter's mother? What options has he tried? How can you encouraged them to get along better?

If the director has not made reasonable attempts to solve his problems with his wife, then it is probably unrealistic to think the Director will suddenly start making reaonsable efforts to solve his problems with you, after you have been married to the director for 10 years.



..

[Mistress13]

Oh, we have serious plans on going to Spain the first week of July...

Any thoughts from other married men?

Thanks for posting your dilemna.

I have a tendency not to follow rules, and I have decided recently that I should thank people who encourage me to follow rules, and use good team work.

So first let me thank you for the years of your criticizing the Director about cheating on his wife, with other women, over the past years.

I stopped contacting a friend who encouraged me to follow up on a pssing attraction for another woman. I am still married, and I try to avoid discussing anything critical of my wife with other women. That seems to keep things in perspectve. When women do not have a reason to think there is any problem with a marriage, then they are less susceptible to affairs.

It appears that this Director likes to criticize his wife to other women. If you have any hope of having the Director to be faithful to you, then I suggest you help the Director get in the habit of not criticizing his wife. If the Director starts criticizing you, to other women, then other women will fall for the Director.

It may be that the Director is an incurable philanderer. It may be that your being the Director's mistress is the kindest thing you can do for his wife, so he is not running around with other women. There are protocols or rules of being considerate, as a mistress, in an affair. One book is something like 50 Mile affairs. Secrecy is difficult, but discretion may be priceless.

Maybe a phrase to the Director, "I don't feel that you are addressing the problems and responsibilities of your marriage. Let's go to a counselor, to help you to better handle your problems with your daughter's mother."

What are the Director's problems with is daughter's mother? What options has he tried? How can you encouraged them to get along better?

If the director has not made reasonable attempts to solve his problems with his wife, then it is probably unrealistic to think the Director will suddenly start making reaonsable efforts to solve his problems with you, after you have been married to the director for 10 years.



..

Thunderhorse, I am not his wife, but the other woman. He doesn't have a problem with his daughter, he loves his daughter and thats why he has some guilt to splitting they have a close relationship.

As for criticizing his wife, he does nothing but compliment her, he says its in disgust to comment about her, which I agree. He has pointed out her good qualities, but he has only criticized his marriage, and how he says unfortunately, something should have been done sooner but never was.

[ThunderHorse]

Thunderhorse, I am not his wife, but the other woman. He doesn't have a problem with his daughter, he loves his daughter and thats why he has some guilt to splitting they have a close relationship.

As for criticizing his wife, he does nothing but compliment her, he says its in disgust to comment about her, which I agree. He has pointed out her good qualities, but he has only criticized his marriage, and how he says unfortunately, something should have been done sooner but never was.

What can the director do now, to improve his marriage to his wife? Could you asist him to seek counseling to make changes that might improve his marriage now? What could te Directors ask his wife to do differently that might make the marraige better?




..

[Mistress13]

What can the director do now, to improve his marriage to his wife? Could you asist him to seek counseling to make changes that might improve his marriage now? What could te Directors ask his wife to do differently that might make the marraige better?




..

I hope you read all of this!!


Actually thunderhorse the other day I did just recent ask him what ever happened, if he did seek help, or just decided to wing it. He opened up to me now after over 3 months of dating, he explained that after the first few years of marriage he realized that even though he was intellectually connected her, mentally he wasn't, which lead him to feel this void.

He had discussed several times with his wife about these feelings over the years and they would claim they would try to work it out, he said until recently he realized that they were both saying, and seeking the same thing, but phrasing it differently. He did say that times between them would go through these "curves, and waves" of getting better then worse, but the feeling of emptiness still remained. Proceeding on, he also told me that he would date other women, in his words "it feels like you're hungry, but nothing fills you up, so I had no reason to leave with a family and something familiar to me." He also said that it was until this relationship that he felt this void, he told me "I feel very very happy with you, and I finally feel like there isn't a hole missing, it just don't feel good about the situation" (who would...) I know that he definitely loves me, its a feeling of sincerity and pureness I can tell (with a touch of a woman's instinct) that I'm not getting played, I don't second guess it.

What do you think?

[ThunderHorse]

Actually thunderhorse the other day I did just recent ask him what ever happened, if he did seek help, or just decided to wing it. He opened up to me now after over 3 months of dating, he explained that after the first few years of marriage he realized that even though he was intellectually connected her, mentally he wasn't, which lead him to feel this void.

He had discussed several times with his wife about these feelings over the years and they would claim they would try to work it out, he said until recently he realized that they were both saying, and seeking the same thing, but phrasing it differently. He did say that times between them would go through these "curves, and waves" of getting better then worse, but the feeling of emptiness still remained. Proceeding on, he also told me that he would date other women, in his words "it feels like you're hungry, but nothing fills you up, so I had no reason to leave with a family and something familiar to me." He also said that it was until this relationship that he felt this void, he told me "I feel very very happy with you, and I finally feel like there isn't a hole missing, it just don't feel good about the situation" (who would...) I know that he definitely loves me, its a feeling of sincerity and pureness I can tell (with a touch of a woman's instinct) that I'm not getting played, I don't second guess it.

What do you think?

What are your personal goals?

Which of your needs are being met?

Is there anything you feel is missing?

Is the Director resistant to counseling?





,,

[ThunderHorse]

What do you think?

If you decided to break up with the Director, how would you go about scaling back your encounters?

Would you be able to keep your current job, if were to scale back your encounters with the director?

Would it be difficult for you to change jobs?

Do you date other men, at this time?

What opportunities for dating other men do you let pass by?

What are your ideas of an ideal man for you, in a monogomous relationship?


..

[RWeber108]

I believe in the saying "If he cheated on her with you, he will cheat on you with someone else." Despite his "reasons" (my marriage is bad, I'm unhappy, etc. . .) he should split if he's unhappy. I know you love him, but do you want to be her in few years? What will his "reasons" be then?

Just be careful.

Also, not to judge you, but I too am TOTALLY against infidelity. Never the way to go. If it's right, wait for him to leave her. If he is actually going to.

[thelovedoctor]

I see that the problem is that you really want to be with this guy but hes being iffy about divorcing his wife. As you stated that hes been with other women through out his marriage so that shows thats a bad sign. Do you really want to keep being the other women ? Is it really worth it? No ive been in that situation and i got out of it and now I'm happily with my boyfriend. In the end your just going to feel guilt, stress and loss of self-respect.

I learned in my psychology class that approximately 20% of divorces are caused by infidelity. So the problems that he is having with his wife they can always fix it if thats the problem going on in his household. Infidelity most of the time occur when a person finds another person attractive and wanting physical intimacy with that person in other words its lust. Lust doesn't last that long what he feels for you can be temporary.

I personally suggest you leave him and go find someone that will love you and only you. He can just change his mind about you in any minute and say i want this to be over i want to fix my marriage and you will be the one with the broken heart. As i see you have been thinking about to leave him so that shows a positive correlation and with that attitude you will be over him quicker then you least expect it.

[Ksmith2]

In reading your response regarding infidelity and being the “other woman”, it is clear that you are having difficulty deciding whether or not you should leave the married man that you are seeing. It also appears as though you are not the only person he has had an extramarital affair with. With that being said, what makes you so sure that you are not the only other woman he is seeing now? If he is so easily able to lie to his wife, a woman he has supposedly committed his life to, and is deceiving her, what makes you think that you are not the only other woman? Are you positive that this man loves you as much as you love him?
In my course notes we learned that infidelity in marriage occurs for a variety of reasons including dissatisfaction with a relationship or anger toward a partner, boredom, a need to confirm that one is still desirable and strong attraction to another person. Furthermore, men are typically seek a physical connection while women, often seek an emotional connection. In reading your story, it appears as though your relationship with this man appears more physical for him in the sense that he is shying away from a true romantic and emotional connection by refusing to leave his wife, and also that he may be seeking a purely physical relationship based on the fact that he has had many extramarital affairs in the past, none of which he ever made a strong emotional connection with and left his wife for.
My advice is that although you have developed feelings for this man, which you claim to be love, take a step back and realize that he is simply repeating a pattern of infidelity for reasons which may be unknown to you. It is very possible that he is simply seeking a physical relationship with another woman to fill voids within his own life, and it is also very probable that if he is so easily able to cheat on his wife that he would presumably be also as apt to cheat on you in the future since it is evident his case that history has a way of repeating itself. Although difficult, you must focus on yourself and what you truly want in a relationship and what will make you happy and then compare these pieces of criteria to your current relationship. Does he fulfill all of your needs? Is he everything that you want in a man? I think it is commendable that you have taken a positive step in recognizing potential flaws, this recognition may help you to make decisions in the future regarding how to move forward in the future, whether it be with this man or another.