"Emotional Affair?"

[Troubledspouse]

I have never made a post on any forum, so please bear with me as this feels very awkward. I am not the kind of man who typically asks for advice from strangers but I am at the end of my rope and after reading this forum I feel the people on here have some very sound advice. I actually have numerous problems with my marriage so I am trying to put this in the forum that mostly relates the issues.

I have been married for over 20 years and with her for a total of 22 years. We got married very young (she was 19 and I was 23). We have 16 and 19 years old sons who both live at home and are going to high school and college (respectively).

My major issue started in 1999 after getting our first computer. My wife got on the internet and eventually found "chat rooms". She would get on these chat rooms and then go to private mode and "whisper" to someone on the other end VERY sexually explicit things (basically having "cyber-sex"). My wife did this in front of me without hiding it and justified it by telling me she pictured the person on the other end being me. She actually told me it turned her on for ME. The kicker is that she HAS NEVER been able to talk that way to me, either via e-mail, cell text or face to face. I have tried to get her to open up to me sexually. She said she felt comfortable doing this with complete strangers saying she never actually has to face these people and refuses to talk to me in such a sexually explicit way even to this day.

In 2002 she searched the internet for the ex-boyfriend who took her virginity and found him striking up communication with him. Turns out he was in our city and they eventually met. I told her this was a bad idea and asked her to break it off which she refused, telling me I was over reacting. She communicated with him for approx 4 months.

I placed a tracking program on our computer to see what they were saying to each other. It eventually turned out that she was also communicating to him via "instant messaging" on the computer. Then, I found a copy of an instant message on the computer with them having "cyber sex" via the instant messaging program. Apparently she can talk this way to EVERYONE but me. When I confronted her she apologized to me and justified it by saying I was working too much and was not there for her. She swore she would never do this again and broke off all contact with this guy and we went to counseling for some time but it was only a temporary fix. As far as I know she has never again participated in this type of thing with anyone.

My wife has since tried looking up her other boyfriend she was dating in high school (again on the internet) but nothing has come from it. She doesn't even know that I know she has tried looking him up. The last time was approx 1.5 years ago.

I always seem to be the one who initiates sex. We are not really sexually compatible; if she had her way we would have sex maybe twice a month. She tells me she is more like a guy when having sex; she is just in it for the orgasm and is not into foreplay at all (either for or from me). I feel this is a deeper issue as she is not attracted to me although I am able to satisfy her several times a session. I am not overweight and am a decent looking guy. I have actually had other women proposition me but had never taken advantage; until last year.

I tend to do a lot of housework and do all of the cooking as she doesn't do it and doesn't like doing it. I keep the kitchen very clean, try to keep the wood floors clean, and also do yard work/honey-dos. This on top of working 60 hours/week. My personality is such that I try and fulfill other peoples needs. My cousin,who visits numerous times a year while on business trips, is constantly telling me not to wait on him when he is visiting but that is just me. My wife is the exact opposite. She is not very affectionate and has a hard time giving AND receiving compliments. When I do compliment her, she tells me to stop because it makes her feels self-conscious.

The economy hit me too and when I said I would sell my motorcycle and ATV's last week, she got angry with me starting a fight. She said our financial situation throughout our entire relationship is MY FAULT and cited charges at the grocery store and when we ALL went out to dinner. All this when we have HER horses and all that goes with it in our backyard.

I am finally at the end of my rope and don't think I can take it any more. I have sought comfort from a couple of other women since last summer and had never done that before. Is there anyone out there who can offer any advice? If not for my pension and other investments I think I would have pulled the plug a long time ago. I feel I should have done it 10 years ago when she pulled the ex-boyfriend/cyber-sex thing; at least the financial hit would have been lessened.

Sorry for such a long post. PLEASE HELP ME!!!


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[socialdistortion]

Dear Troubled Spouse,

From an outsider’s perspective you are right to be upset by your wife’s actions. I think it is totally inappropriate to maintain a close/daily relationship with a member of the opposite sex to which your spouse disapproves. Regarding the cybersex, the fact that she told you “My wife did this in front of me without hiding it and justified it by telling me she pictured the person on the other end being me.“ is just comedy… (I have never met a woman in my life that has sexual fantasies about her husband!)


My spouse has several attractive opposite sex friends, all of which I adore and they all support our relationship. I think there is a huge advantage to having friends of the opposite sex, but not if it becomes uncomfortable to your spouse. She is totally wrong for saying she would pick him over you. What is that?


You footnoted that you ‘have sought comfort from a couple of other women since last summer and had never done that before’. What do you mean by ‘sought comfort’? I think both of your actions are a clear flashing neon sign that you need to get a unbiased third party involved, would she go to counseling? Good luck.

Social Distortion