my husband is texting not so nice things

[socialdistortion]

Dear Thunderhorse,

She doesn’t have a “more objectionable“ reaction to porn than most women. It is PORNOGRAPHY. Her husband’s behavior is hurting her and it is making her physically ill. She does not need to ‘explore her feelings’ as to why it bothers her. Her husband needs to explore his feelings as to why he continues this behavior despite her objection.

I don’t think telling your friends to stop texting you porn is ‘rejecting people who may have helped you out in the past’. I think he would be setting a good example as a husband & friend in rejecting this adolescent behavior. Who cares how you bonded with your friends when you were young. If you met your friends while smoking pot in college, does that mean you should still smoke pot in your thirties or forties when you are with them? I don’t think so.

If a couple enjoys porn together within their marriage, that is a personal choice, but there is no place for unwanted pornography within an intimate relationship. InfidelitySucks is totally right in asking her husband to stop forwarding these text (did I mention it makes her physically ill and cry at night?). She feels betrayed, disgusted and sexually turned off. Her objectionable reaction to porn is perfectly normal.



Social Distortion


PS- Dear InfidelitySucks, you are right and your husband is wrong. Indeed he does not need to forward these messages, that is just encouraging this type of behavior. I believe if he told his friends ‘he is getting a hard time at home’ from these messages and stop reacting to them in any way the texts would eventually stop. You do not have to compromise on this one.

[ThunderHorse]

PS- Dear InfidelitySucks...... You are right and your husband is wrong. Indeed he does not need to forward these messages, that is just encouraging this type of behavior. I believe if he told his friends ‘he is getting a hard time at home’ from these messages and stop reacting to them in any way the texts would eventually stop. You do not have to compromise on this one.

Thank you for expressing alternate views.





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[soconfused]

Hello everyone,
This is my first post i hope i have done it right. well i have been married for 8 years. Currently i have been unemployed for a year and and half, while my wife works and we have 2 daughters aged 6 and 3. my think i have a major problem hope i am wrong. my wife spends all of her free time on FB and her mobile and she has a lot of male friends. i do not have a problem with her having friends but i have read a few of her messages with 3 guys where they
call her beloved,say they r missing her lot, Give me a kiss etc to give u a brief. i have talked to her about it she says i am being paranoid and that she talks to all her friends like that and more so she keeps her phones close to herself when she sleeps and gets very angry if i even touch her phones and there are days when shes recieves and sends messages at around 3 or 4 in the morning and this is a regular occurance and some of the messages i have read where the guy wants to meet her. what do u think ur views please.
By the way our relationship is on the downhill.

[ThunderHorse]

Soconfused

What are your wife's needs?

How can you better meet her needs?


How many times a day do you offer to listen to your wife vent her frustrations? How do you encourage her to express her innermost ideas?


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[soconfused]

Hi,
Thank you for your reply.
I think her major need right now is that we are staying with our parents since i am jobless at present that does not help. i think that could be the major issue about listening to her i do try to listen to her but she does not show any interest in whatever i have to say, i think things would get better once i am on the payroll which i am close to.

what i am really worried about is her constant being in touch with her male friends be it morning evening or night with very intimate messages like missing you, love you like i mentioned earlier she said i speak to all of them like that, but i go through her phone secretly i have found out that she exchanges messages of this kind with 2 to 3 guys not all of them.
Another thing which is eating into my sleep is that she is on the phone late night too after i go to sleep even last night she got a call at 2 in the morning and she was whispering and on recieving the call she looked if i was around and on realising had just got into my bed she cut the conversation short.

I would like to tell you she had a similar thing going on with a guy i confronted her after checking her phone i asked her if she loved him she said yes(this was in the morning) and she started crying but when she came back from work she turned the entire thing on me saying it was just my imagination and that they were just friends, but on the positive side she seemed too have stopped her friendship with him after that.

I know and agree guys and ladies can be friends but calls and messages at 2, 3or 4 in the morning, dont u think thats a stretch.

I think from my side effort has never been better i put in an effort to take her out listen to her,talk to her etc but she seems to be in her own world nowadays.

one last question what do u think of a platonic relationship between a married lady and single guys or married one even.

[ThunderHorse]

Hi,
Thank you for your reply.
--- i think that could be the major issue about listening to her i do try to listen to her but she does not show any interest in whatever i have to say, i think things would get better once i am on the payroll which i am close to.

.

Listening is often thought of as a two way concept, by men. In reality, listening can be primarily one-way. A husband can listen to his wife, and encourage her venting, without expressing any of his own ideas.

Once you have developed your listening skills, and you are fulfilling your wife's needs for venting 15 Min per day, and she is continuing with platonic conversations, you can ask her to cut back.

You do not mention your massage skills, or foreplay strategies. How can you make more of your time with your wife, at an elevated level of excitement for her?

What compliments do you give your wife? When she talks about her ideas, do you tell her how smart she is? Do you make her talking to you, the optimal experience of her life, with pins and needles?


LISTENING

Recent communications thread with references to 11/10

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=559





1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... highlight=
3rd post by Social Distortion






Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet


Thread on Unconditional listening phrases,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=451

Giving compliments to the Wife as a way to encourage venting.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477




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