my husband is texting not so nice things

[fairygum]

hi ive been married for 3 years now and i think we have great marriage we listen to each other and have a good bedroom life too. but for the last month. he has been texting my mothers boyfriends cusin (who is a tramp)
not so nice things and about 2 weeks ago i had enough of it and i asked him to not send her such dirty texts. he got mad at me for looking at his messages claiming he needs his own space and accused me of invading him and not tursting him.
but then told me he would not text her those things any more.
i understand him needing some space but im a open book for him i keep nothing from him.
so then last night i looked at his phone again and once more was sickened by the content. when he came back into the room he picked up the phone and deleated the messages.
so i confronted him about these new messages.
he got mad again saying i have no reason to doubt him and he would never cheat on me with her and blah blah blah
and continued to say he left those messages on there to see if i would look at his phone again. it got late so we went to bed and in the morning he told me he was sorry and would never do it again so what i would like to know do i trust him?

[ThunderHorse]

There are ways to verify compliance without checking his phone.

There are ways to prhase questions, so that you can tel from his answer, or hesitation to answer, what the truth is.

What you want is progress, not necessarily a strict stoppage, immediately. So ask him if he has had any slip ups that he should ask for your forgivenss. There is a book on how to trap your spouse, with questions, without snooping.





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[palmertex]

I understand your texing behind your back- here is my story...

My husband and I are best friends, college sweethearts, yet his father and a few of his friends and I don't see eye to eye. I don't like the fact that his father (which has been divorced and single for over 30 years per his words "there isn't a women out there good enough for me") and some of his friends send him naughty nude women pictures or videos via his email. I've discussed how I don't apprecaite them and if he keeps forwarding them onto his friends- they will keep sending these types of emails back to him. He suggestes they are funny, and some of them are, but I HATE IT! Now, we've dated for 10 years on/off and recently got married within the last year. Keep in mind I've only met his father ONCE and never had a conversation with the man. His father decided not to attend his ONLY sons wedding saying my husband was making a bad "business" decision. His father has always hated me on the mere fact that he thinks I am ugly, too confident, and that his son needed someone that looked like they came from a Playboys magazine...did I mention he is still single? Such an arragant jerk that even my husband doesn't talk to him much anymore- once a month. His father has been a "buddy" for my husband- not a father. I am not an ugly person but I am not a fake either with these DD's my husband loves! HA! My husband is a genuine person and we USED to enjoy reading the Playboy magazine together while making bedroom suggestions to eachother OR watching porn together and WE HAD fun with it but NOW...I emotionally fight with it but still enjoy watching a porn every once in awhile with my husband! I hate for him to see antoher women as it might bring out what his father told him- find someone better. I used to be comfortable in my skin but now I feel "not good enough or pretty enough" which makes it worse when my husband hides his emails yet my husband wakes me up every morning by saying, "good morning beautiful" with a sincere smile.

SOOO- I know I shouldn't but I check his emails sometimes to see if he forwards these naughty emails and he sometimes still does it. It's not a control thing but I find it disrepectful and that he is growing into his father. But what makes it worse is that he will say he doesn't do it, erase it from his email, yet we have the same friends and sometimes it will circle back to me in a FW email. DUH! So I feel he didn't take my feelings into consideration and does it behind my back which backfired on him. So NOW he will forward it to his friends and father which whom I don't speak with so it doesnt get forwarded back to me somehow. He will say, "I thought it was funny and I didn't want you to get upset" yet his other friends and asshole of a father find it sexy and keep sending him more naughty emails. I am not amused, I have lost my sexual confidence (and I have a high sex drive), and I feel betrayed to a certain point. WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO FW THOSE EMAILS? I am an open book as well and I do not hide a thing and would expect the same thing in return but OH BY GOD if I forward him the ONE email I MIGHT get once a year from one of my girlfriends of a half nude guy he TOTALLY flips out if I forward it to him saying he doesn't look like those men. It's like he doesn't see the reversal side of how this works or how it makes him feel but yet still forwards his friends those naughty emails? AGAIN- WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT TO FW THOSE EMAILS? I feel like he is saying, "look at what I don't have- be fun to play with if not caught" when he sends those emails to his FATHER and his friends...makes me really upset.

My husband is 6'4" with a little beer belly and I am 5'3" a little overweight but we are both nice looking in our 30's poeple. I love my husband dearly and he deserves some privacy. Is it that I have LOST my self confidence? I had self confidence at once as in college I'd steal the Playboy magazine (that his dad gave him a year subcription to- how sweet) out of my husbands mailbox and read it all before him! He thought it was funny and even though I enjoyed reading it- I enjoyed making my husband smile knowing he knew I liked reading it, too.

I know there isn't a RIGHT answer but I just want to feel better about this. Then while we are watching TV last week my husband said in a nice voice, "she is pretty" and I said, "Yeah, you and every other walking penis thinks Megan Fox is pretty" and he said, "I knew I shouldn't have said anything" and I don't mean for him to feel like that but I am starting to catagorize him with "all men". He siad he didn't even know her name and yet even though I find her fake yet pretty but a little on the trampy side...OR what his father might like. Now when he has said, "Catherine Zeta Jones is really pretty" I don't feel affended b/c she is a beautiful, natural, non-fake looking women. WHY IS THAT? I am intimiated by trashy looking women b/c that is what his father likes?

Some advice on how to look at this or handle this would be great!

[ThunderHorse]

Marriage is more than looks or dimensions. Marriage is enthusiasm, cooperation and coordinating.

To define what troubles you, is one step.

His forwarding of E-mails of pictures of women, might be a description of a problem.


Apparently some of your husband's friends give him support along with trading photos. Maybe you find it disrepectful, as a wife, that your husband is forwarding photos of other women around.

Can you ask your huband how he can focus more on the support of his friends, and ask him to let his friends know that you would like him to slow down forwarding photos of other women, and ask him what phrases he might use to convey the idea to them.

Can you find any porn to enjoy with women who are similar looking to you?



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[ThunderHorse]

What support or recognition would your husband like to receive?

What are the challenges of his job? His hobbies? What are his sports teams?

Would having your husband's father over for dinner and play cards make any sense?

What does Dad like to eat? Do you have any single ladies who can cook for Dad?

Can you let the boys win at cards?


There is a shift in the mindset from being single, with interests shared with other single men, to the respectful aproach developed by many married men.

There may be some pictures, other than of women, that your husband might share to indicate his change interests, from oggling other women, to finding ways to enjoy his wife. Maybe picture of a cruise ship, for a vacation.

Of course there are many ideas for photos that might indicate a shift from your husband being single, to photos of various ways to enjoy his new wife.


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[palmertex]

We've tried to schedule meetings, dinner, and his dad plays sick or shows up and tells his son "he just can't handle it" even though I am nice and respectful and talk to him as little as possible. The rest of the family hates him for it and I think he is realizing what a mistake he has made over these years for being so hateful as he is losing his son. But I try not to be in the middle of it even though I am the TOPIC of the situation. My husband is very repsectful of his father yet like I said his father was a buddy- not a father my any means. I don't care about being freinds with his father but it makes it wierd around holidays as he knows I will be there and he just won't come- kind of funny I guess I have that much power over someone that hates me so much. Let's just say at his fathers funeral I will be the one in the back, wearing my MP3 player, wearing a bright red low cut cleavage showing dress...just to show my support. I might sound harsh but you have NO IDEA what hell this man, his father, has put us through. He has taken my confidence as a beautiful women away and with my husband forwarding "nude woman jokes" doesn't make me feel any better...especially when they are coming from his father.

The forwarding of emails happens maybe TWICE a month- so don't get me wrong that this is a "huge problem" or an everyday thing. My husband ironically isn't an "oogler" really as I point out bigger boobs than mine to him while out shopping and he always laughs saying he doesn't really look anymore but just like any man or woman enjoys looking at a pretty (not trashy) nude woman as I do a good looking nude man. I just take offense to it being the source either from his father or a few of his trashy friends.

EXAMPLE- one email I saw- it was from one of his high school friends actually and it was a video of a girl who was walking down the stairs, topless, and then as she rides the railing she slips off her painties and rolls to the bottom of the stairs and then starts playing with herself...the end. OK- kind of dumb but the comment his friend left in the email was: "this looks like fun" which really pissed me! He is happily married with twins I suppose? Maybe his wife doesn't care? I wish I could not care about what my hasband looks at or thinks but I do. I would never say something like that and I bet that would really hurt his wifes feelings is she knew how he felt about that video. Which sparks the question to me- is that what my husband thinks too everytime he forwards in email?

You see where I am going with this? But I feel limited as to how I can bring this up with my husband as he might not like the fact I have checked his emails so I feel stuck. He will lie flat out to me he hasn't forwarded anything just to not hurt my feelings yet I know he has...how is this to be handled?

[ThunderHorse]

Part of your frustration may be that your husband might lie to protect his privacy, and to avoid hurting your feelings with a subject about which he knows you are sensitive.

There are considerate lies, and there are deceptive, even hurtful lies. So evaluating whether the motives are deception, compared wtih consideration, may be helpful to put your feelings into perspective.

How can you bring up the subject you want your husband to change, without revealing that you have been reading his E-Mail?

In respect to your Father-in-Law, are there any phrases, by which you could allow him to change his ways? "Isn't your father getting tired of putting me down after all these years?"





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[socialdistortion]

Dear Palmertext,

It sounds like you and your husband enjoyed looking at erotic photos at an earlier time in your relationship. Your spouse probably enjoyed your common interest and your willingness to share this with him. Now that you are married this adolescent behavior suddenly doesn’t seem as appealing. Explain to your husband that while pornography was fun while you were dating, you are in a different place now and feel that this might not be productive for your relationship. There is no need for pornography to be part of frustration for you. If it disturbs you then he should respect this and end this behavior. You are not being over demanding or unreasonable at all. Inappropriate X-rated text messages that bother one partner should be banned.


It sounds like his father is trying to connect to his son by sending these messages, almost like a giggling, socially inept, aging, teenage boy. His father’s attitude toward you makes these texts even more unsuitable. What your husband needs to do is to be on your side and make that known. What are rude in-laws thinking? Don’t they realize that their behavior is hurting everyone? Seriously, your husband needs to make it know that he is no longer interested in receiving these type of graphic text but happy to entertain other more appropriate jokes. How do you bring this up? Ask your husband if he still gets inappropriate text and then explain how it no longer makes you comfortable as you move forward in your relationship. HE NEEDS TO BE ON YOUR SIDE! Period….


As far as feeling uncomfortable with his comments on how pretty another woman might be, I say just realize that is just part of life. There is no off switch for finding others sexually attractive when you get married. Women are beautiful; men are supposed to think so. Of course he is going to find a packaged movie star pretty, who cares. It is not as if these women are a real threat to you in any way. It sounds like he likes how you look too, enjoy it. Realize his attraction to others is not a reflection on you in any way.


Good luck,

Social Distortion

[infidelitysucks]

I know how you feel and it hurts and it sucks. It is NOT you in ANY way! It is him. There is NO excuse for my husband to do this -but he does it too. I am pretty and fit -a former model even. I have and enjoy sex with my husband regularly. No excuse for him! Still- he and his friends continuously send pornograhic images of women via text message -Often!

I have already confronted my husband and told him in detail all of the ways it hurts me and our marriage. I feel disgusted! It's the exact same feeling as being cheated on. It makes me sick until I vomit. I cry at night. I am turned off sexually. Betrayal, infidelity, unfair, disloyal -it hurts!

I even gave my husband one answer to save face and stop hurting me. I understand "men" won't tell guys to stop sending 'those' pics. But he DOES NOT have to forward them! And he does not have to comment on them. Eventually the ass hole friends may stop sending porn. Easy out. At least I wouldn't feel like my husband is taking part in disrespecting me.

He didn't stop. I find the messages all the time. He thinks he deletes them. It's often enough that he misses some -every time I look there is at least one. Every time! Even if he doesn't delete. The phone bill lists 'picture/ video' messages. I recognize the numbers as the same 'friends' who text the sex images.

I don not think my husband would like me to have an affair -and it is the SAME feeling! I don't think he'd like me looking at dick every day. Why does he keep receiving and forwarding pictures of spread eagle pornography!

It hurts so bad but he doesn't care about my feelings enough to stop. What am I supposed to do? I already told him how I feel! What more can I do?

[ThunderHorse]

. Why does he keep receiving and forwarding pictures of spread eagle pornography!

It hurts so bad but he doesn't care about my feelings enough to stop. What am I supposed to do? I already told him how I feel! What more can I do?

Your husband's texting porn, and unsuccessfully trying to keep the texting secret, is hurtful to you.

You have confronted your husband and let him know your feelings of betrayal.

You feel that you have no options available to encourage your husband to stop hurtful enjoyment of porn, and no options to reduce the hurt you feel from his porn texting.

The feeling of hopelessness may be one aspect of the problem.

The problem may be difficult for you and your husband to find solutions. Progress may take some attempts that will not give the full results you seek.

The options to approach solutions that may come to mind probably seem too difficult, or having too little chance of success.

I suggest a start of listing out options for approaching change, and listing the difficulties with each option. Then others may give insight into making varous options work, or for additonal options to list, for more full empowerment.

Part of the problem is that there is a deep seated culture of secrecy involving men and porn, so since men feel they are doing it secretly, they are being considerate of their wives.

One of the problems with Crime and Punishment, is that if a criminal plans to never get caught, then severe or moderate punishment is irrelevant

Since many men are successful in keeping porn secret from their wives and girl friends, there are few women who actually know how to help solve the hurt from porn. "Well, I am SURE that MY husband would never disresepect ME with porn!!!"

Making Love and giving your husband satisfaction of his visual drive for visions of nude women, is something women ofen misunderstand. My wife almost always comes to bed with comfortable, liesure clothes on. I have read that some wives come to bed naked, almost regularly. It makes a big difference to me, the sooner I am able to persuade my wife to adjust household temperatures comfortable for nudity, and to remove her clothes.

There is a body of literature that seeks to explain the differences between men's and women's views on nudity, and porn. I have read your other posts, but I don't see that you have reviewed the latest research, and theories, of the male drive for visual images of sensuality.



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[infidelitysucks]

Thunderhorse.
You seem to grasp what I said pretty well. Or at least reiterate it.
Maybe I haven't read the latest literature... I have not seen any books on men texting porn between friends.

The problem is not that I don't understand what men get from looking at porn. Frankly the girls do not look all that different from me so that really isn't a great excuse in my husbands case. He can get that stimulation from looking at his own wife.

It hurts me and that should be more important to him than porn. Your response, like many men, seems focused on the 'men and sex' view. It isn't entirely about sex though. It is about betrayal.

Like I said on another thread where I am searching advice on the issue... What If I took the same type of xxx rated photos of myself and circulated them to strage men. Would my husband stand for that? Or might he feel a little differently about other men looking at his wife's 'private parts' in such a manner? It's just pictures.

Why should I accept my husband viewing other women in this very personal intimate way! I understand men and women see things differently. But we took the same vows. Love, honor, cherrish and forsake all others. In no way does this comply.

[ThunderHorse]

Why should I accept my husband viewing other women in this very personal intimate way! I understand men and women see things differently. But we took the same vows. Love, honor, cherrish and forsake all others. In no way does this comply.

You might add up the total value of your husband, and evaluate the discomfort of his porn texting, overall.

Often a husband's friends change as marriage progresses, so your concern about his texting porn may be something that will diminish, or disapear, over time, on its own accord, without intervention.

What is the value of the friends who are texting porn? With whom your husband is texting porn? Your suggestion that he stop re-texting porn has not met with immediate success. What other messages could your husband send, that would maintain the frienships with his texting buddies?

What other common intersts does your husband share wtih these texting friends? Sports? Work? School? Instead of asking your husband to stop texting porn, you might ask him to text more on the other basis subjects of the friendhsips with his buddies.

Is re-texting porn a habit for your husband? Is it something he thinks about, or just does habitually?

Have you asked your husband what feeling he gets from texting porn, and asked him instead, to think of his obtaining that feeling with you? "This is the feeling I want you to remember, when you are thinking about re-texting, and while thinking of this feeling, you will relaize that re-texting is not as good as this, and your fingers will discontinue re-texting porn."

How can your husband advance at work? Have him develop habits of texting about how he can do a better job. If he wants to text something, have him text ideas of love to you.



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[ThunderHorse]

I have already confronted my husband and told him in detail all of the ways it hurts me and our marriage. I feel disgusted! It's the exact same feeling as being cheated on. It makes me sick until I vomit. I cry at night. I am turned off sexually. Betrayal, infidelity, unfair, disloyal -it hurts!


It hurts so bad but he doesn't care about my feelings enough to stop. What am I supposed to do? I already told him how I feel! What more can I do?

Many women find porn objetionable, and there are varying degrees of objection within women who object to porn. In Dr. Scott's Men's Secrets book, he recommends that the concept of Porn be approached with sensitivity, until the depth of feelings of your woman is understood.

It seems that you find porn more objectionable, than most women. You have explained your reaction as getting sick, and sleepless. This indicates there may be some extra-ordinary reasons for your objection to porn. You might think of exploring the logic behind your feelings a little furhter, so that your husband can better understand your strong feelings. I am sorry that your husband is not finding ways to curtail his texting of porn, to give you more comfort.






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[socialdistortion]

Dear Infidelitysucks,

If I was in your situation, I would disable MMS on my spouse’s blackberry prohibiting their phone from opening text images. You can do this by clicking on the wrench icon on the main screen. Then click on "Security Options," then click "Firewall." Next click on the status, and be sure that it is set to "enabled." Finally, click the check box net to "MMS" to disable picture messages. You can then program the phone to refuse all incoming images. Unless your husband is a computer tech, it is doubtful he will figure this one out. If this doesn’t work most major cell phone companies will allow you to block incoming MMS text images.

Social Distortion

[ThunderHorse]

For women who are only slightly bothered by a man's texting porn, it might be important to realize that porn is often a part of male bonding. Texting, sneaking out to the strip club or topless bar, may be part of a male friendhsip.

The man you find attractive, may be attractive in some measure with the help of his friends. Borrowing seasons tickets, help with car repairs, help with plumbing or A/C repairs to the home, help with though problems on the job, all may be with the help of friends. The college degeree may have been in part from study groups. The job men have is often obtained through references.

The friendships of technically inclined young men today, may be intertwined with texting porn. Asking a young man to stop texting porn, may be asking him to reject many friends who have helped him in the past, and who stand ready to help him today, and into the future.

When I was young, my friends used to find Playboy magazines, and sneak to show the pictures in the cloak room, or someplace teachers would not check. Maybe folded into a text book. "Isn't she gorgeous? Wouldn't you lke to be with her?" Just oggling.

Marriage is about trust, consideration, and sometimes involves shielding from harmless truths. Many men try to be discreet about their enjoyment of porn.


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