Is texting another guy at 2 in the morning a problem?

Is texting another guy at 2 in the morning a problem?

Postby lumpi_1986 » Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:21 am

This is my first post, so I am a little nervous.

I am recently married, only 7 months.... and I met my wife in the military, so of course she has a better relationship with other men... But I am currently deployed overseas, and I have access to our phone records, and I seen that she had been constantly texting this guy constantly throughout the day, and into the wee hours of the night. Even if we were texting at the same time about sexual things, she would still be texting him between us... I contacted the guy and told him that I am not accusing him and her of anything, but I wanted to inform him that just because me and my wife are currently not around each other, and we may be having fights... we are working on our differences and anyone who comes between me and my family are not going to be happy.

He wrote me back saying that they went to school together, and that they had always been friends that could talk to each other... (which she had told me previously). He said he is not the kind of guy to get between a relationship.

I brought it up to her father (where she is currently staying till i get back) and he told me to leave her alone, and stop putting ideas in her head or she will go cheat just because I am blaming her for it.

So I guess my questions are these:

Is it wrong that I am still uncertain of this guy, and his intentions with my wife?

And how can I get past being "THE BAD GUY" because her family is going to choose her side over mine, and make me look like I'm overly insecure?
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you have a right to be concerned.

Postby Scott Haltzman » Sun Jul 18, 2010 3:51 pm

Hi Lumpi,

Most affairs don't start out because people look to cheat, they begin because of developing a sense of closeness. Whenever two individuals for whom a potential attraction may exist spend time with each other sharing intimacies (and you can rest assured that a 2AM discussion is not about whether LeBron James was justified in changing teams) the people involved walk a thin line, that often ends up in infidelity.

My wife taught me early on not to continue to maintain contact with ex's. I didn't like the idea, but she was right. I my case, it wasn't because I would cheat, but it was because the possibility was too disconcerting for her, and in order to give her piece of mind I needed to take a step back.

See my article:

NB Contributions by Scott Haltzman are meant to foster discussion, and aren't intended to provide advice or medical information.
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Postby lumpi_1986 » Sun Jul 18, 2010 10:21 pm

So after reading your message and your article Dr. Haltzman, I called my wife and tried to express my feelings about this, and some other emotional issues i have been having lately. And for the whole hour of my call, I believe she maybe two things, I dont know what to say...

I feel like when I bring up an issue, with her, she wants to shut down, like its role-reveresed, I'm used to the idea that the women were emotional, and crying, and trying to get their husbands to talk, whereas that was everything I did on the phone for an hour, I took a week of bottled up emotions and threw them at her all at once... I told her I had thought about leaving her until I started reading your book, (that i still dont know how I found it, i think god was telling me something) I told her how I was annoyed that I felt like everyone was against me, and that I was concerened about her late night conversations with Brian. and the only thing she did was sit and listen... Now in person that would be fine, but over the phone when I cannot see her facial expressions, I need some type of chatter from her end to know how she is reacting to my release... I believe I may have just ended our marriage by telling her I had these feelings about leaving her.

Should a man hold back his thought even though he may inadvertently blame her for the thoughts?
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expressing feelings

Postby Scott Haltzman » Mon Jul 19, 2010 8:32 am

Expressing feelings, so long as they're not hurtful to your mate (such as: "I feel you're a jerk") usually can't hurt. But, sometimes when women are unhappy in a relatinship, stating that you need love and affection feels like an additional burden to them, and they can get resentful.

The ironic, and frustrating, thing, is that "Mr. 2 AM" doesn't ever express feelings of upset or frustration toward her, so, if she is comparing (and who wouldn't?) he appears the "better" candidate for her affection.

At this point, all one can do is take a breath, make a brief call saying "Thank you for listening to me yesterday, I really appreciate it," and make nothing that appears to be a request or complaint during that conversation.

Keep being the best choice for her; at some point, at least, she'll have to trust you when you ask her to curtail contacts with her friend. But if you ask it of her now, she may view you as trying to "control" her. That's not good for you.

Keep reading "The Secrets of Happily Married Men," I hope it helps!

NB Contributions by Scott Haltzman are meant to foster discussion, and aren't intended to provide advice or medical information.
Scott Haltzman
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Postby lumpi_1986 » Tue Jul 20, 2010 5:39 am

Dr. Haltzman, do you have any ideas on how to keep a marriage strong when you are separated, or any good books on the subject, because, I tend to have the same problem when we are on the phone, I don't hear her feelings or emotions, I end up doing all the talking, and when I ask her to say something, she says "I don't know what to talk about" or "I don't have anything on my mind" I just want her to open up to me... Yes I know we argue and she may be scared to open up to me because she is scared that I may say something mean. But I tell her I will never be mad at her for her feelings, or opinions, its what I dont know that hurts me.

The whole "Mr. 2AM" aside, I would rather know my wife personally than let her slip through my fingers because I know nothing about her.

Granted we only co-habitated about two months before we married, so our knowledge of each other is very minimal...
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Jul 25, 2010 5:02 am

I would just add the concept of checking your listening skills/strategies, If your wife is talking to another man, more than you feel appropriate, you might look at your own listening and compliment giving patterns. This is a recent thread, with a number of references to past threads, that discuss listening skills, strategies and compliments. ... .php?t=516

I try to keep my griping to a short phrase or two, like "I am feeling jeaoulous about your talking to so and so, and my jealousy is part of the love and devotion I have for you."

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Postby daniellep92 » Fri Nov 30, 2012 12:05 pm

So, what the problem seems to be is that your a bit uncomfortable with how your wife is texting another man during the night and all day. Do you and your wife have good communication skills? Do you both fight often? Was there trust issues in the past that your still not over? These are questions I'm asking because sometimes any past experiences could result in some awful experiences in the future as well. While there is nothing wrong with your wife texting another man, what your pointing out is that its during the late hours of the night as well, which bothers you.

There's something which Dr. Scott states is "The Fifth Way: Learn to Listen". Which means, "Men and women differ dramatically in verabl communication skills. The average women uses the spoken word three times more frequently than the male of the species. For woman, verbalizing a feeling is more than communicating a thought; its a way to establish closesness. Like I said previously in this post, communication is key! I've learned through my past that you must communicate with your spouse,boyfriend,girlfriend. If there's no communication there's nothing. Just like if there's no trust, there's no relationship.

Mrs. Misiurski also says in psychology class that communication is key to relationships. I learned in my psychology class that just because you "think" your inlove and have the perfect relationship, just remember nothing is perfect, and loving someone means trusting them.

In your case though, it seems that you trust your wife, it's just the thought of her texting another guy during late hours of the night makes you a little uncomfortable. You start questioning to yourself, what could they possibly have to talk about at 2 in the morning? Are they both being appropriate? But then all this comes down to trust. If your wife, the woman you love is telling you that their just friends and they went to school together, then believe her. Believe her, until you find out otherwise. You dont' want to start a fight for no reason.

If you find yourself worrying about the situation, then talk to her and let her know how much it bothers you. Let her know you dont think its appropriate for her to be texting this man at late hours of the night. Don't stress the situation too much though. Like the man said before he doesn't get involved in other peoples relationships. He obviously could've been rude, and said some negative things towards you, but he didn't. Although it kills you that you dont see her as often as you would like, but that's life, sometimes you need to sacrifice something to have everything you've ever dreamed of. Such as you wife. Lastly, make it known to your wife that you do love her, and trust her. Let her know that she is your number one, and that you care deeply about her and dont want to lose her over anyone.

Additionally, I don't think you have anything to worry about, and this guy is just an old friend that wants to catch up with another old friend. Remember your hers, shes yours.
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Re: Is texting another guy at 2 in the morning a problem?

Postby magicsun » Mon Dec 03, 2012 8:24 am

Dear Lumpi_1986,

Sometimes we don’t see the root of the problem and this is the reason why we can’t resolve it. I honestly believe, texting constantly the other guy is the top of the iceberg, and unfortunately, trust issues and miscommunication is the heart of this problem. I am not trying to defend her. I would be very mad if my boyfriend would text another girl all the time.
Did you talk to your wife first or the guy about these text messages? If you went straight to him, it shows that you are not fully trust your wife. In your post you mentioned that your wife told you about him previously what kind of relationship they have. And it sounds like they are just good friends, but according to Dr. Scott “Most affairs don't start out because people look to cheat; they begin because of developing a sense of closeness”. I completely agree with him. Texting to a friend may seem harmless at the beginning, but it potentially can grow into more serious feeling like love.
Dr. Misiurski says, “Exposure without awareness leads to liking”. Constant communication between your wife and the guy creates attachment.
So to answer your question, you should be aware of this guy and speak to your wife, not her dad :D , about your concerns. Let her know how you really feel about this. Ask her if she would feel the same way, if you were texting your ex-girlfriend or a friend all the time. Let her know that you trust her, but you don’t feel comfortable that she is texting the guy constantly.
Hope it helps,

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Re: Is texting another guy at 2 in the morning a problem?

Postby OceanState95 » Sun Dec 01, 2013 11:35 pm

So, what the problem seems to be is that you're uncomfortable with your wife texting another man during the night. Do you and your wife get along?, fight? or trust issues? because sometimes past experiences could happen in the future as well. There isn't anything wrong with your wife texting another man, what you are saying is during the night texting bothers you.

My Psychology Professor says in psychology class that communication is key to relationships. Remember nothing is perfect, loving someone means trusting them. Dr. Scott states "The Fifth Way: Learn to Listen". means, "Men and women differ dramatically in verbal communication skills. For women, verbalizing feeling's are more than communicating a thought; it establishes closeness. Communication is very important. In my past experience communication with someone is important.

In this case, you trust your wife, the thought of her talking another guy late at night makes you a uncomfortable. You question yourself about what they could be saying. . If she says that their just friends and they went to school together, then believe her. Believe her, until something comes up. You don't want to fight over nothing.

Talk to her to let her know it bothers you. Don't worry to much about the situation. The man was respectful to you. See both points of the side, and communicate make sure she knows that you do love her, and trust her. Let her know that she is your number one, and that you don't want to lose her over anyone. you have anything to worry about, this guy is just an old friend. You two have each other don't sweat anything else.
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Re: Is texting another guy at 2 in the morning a problem?

Postby alicia0 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 2:27 pm

From what I understand, you looked through her phone records and saw multiple texts and calls from a certain number. She had been texting him during times that she was intimately talking with you. After confronting him, he denies that anything is going on between them, as well as her father telling you to leave it alone. My questions for you are Had there been a previous incident making you not trust her leading you to be checking her phone records while you were over seas? Also how did you find out that this person was a guy, did you confront her about it or go about it on your own to find out just who the number was.
In my psychology class we learned about the mere exposure effect. Which is a tendency for novel stimuli to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them. According to my notes proximity, interaction and familiarity lead to liking. Dr. Scott says that “its ok to have friends of the opposite sex as long as they are friends of the marriage.”
In your case you are there and she is here and so is this guy. The mere exposure effect says that the more interaction that goes on between them the more attracted she will be to him. Although you are away she could be just looking for someone to talk to, But her continuous texts are more than just casual talking here and there. With this guy knowing you’re away and them talking as much as they do leaves her looking very available. Considering what Dr. Scott said even though it is okay to have opposite sex friends, you don’t know this guy. Both your wife and him stated that they had always been friends that could talk to one another, but yet you’ve never head of him before. I don’t think that you are wrong for being concerned about the continuous contact between the two of them.
Although this is hard to do while you are away I think that you need to talk to your wife and simply explain and help her understand how this could make you uncomfortable. Tell her its not that you don’t trust her, but you don’t trust him. You don’t want to come off controlling by telling her you forbid her to talk to him.
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Re: Is texting another guy at 2 in the morning a problem?

Postby WILLIAM444 » Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:11 pm

Dear Lumpi,
From what I understand the two of you are recently married of ‘7 months.’ In addition you have discovered her talking to an ‘Old friend’ per say on a very regular basis including late night and early morning hours. You did mention that she said he was just a friend. You also contacted the other guy and informed him about you being in the service and not being around, but just because you weren’t around doesn’t mean your wife is available. You also talked to your wife’s father and he didn’t seem to take your words in a good way. Did she tell you about her talking to you and this other guy at the same time? Do you two have kids together? How long was this ‘regular/ daily talking’ going on between your wife and this friend before you discovered? I can kind of get your viewpoint with the whole distance, I get it. Based off my own experiences within a relationship distance doesn’t deteriorate the relationship, doubts do.

I have two valid points for you. First off according to psychology men and women communicate and are effectively understood in different ways. Women communicate more effectively through words, so focus on listening to her whenever you’re talking to her and more specifically when a serious conversation is in play. In addition keep eye contact and give the occasional nod, or ‘mhm’ or ‘yeah, I get it’ it’ll mean more to her than you think. Women tend to understand men more often than vice versa, specifically through body language and being more quiet than usual. Chances are she’ll ask you what’s wrong and what’s on your mind and the weird thing is she’s aware something’s wrong. And continue on with telling her what’s on your mind through open conversation. Although your wife wasn’t looking to cheat persay, but the psychological ‘mere exposure effect’ kicks in. For example two co-workers at first meet and are just friends, the more time spent at work around one another and or social gatherings outside of work chances are one will develop feelings, or a ‘crush’ for instance, it’s just human nature.

According to Dr. Scott Haltzman in this modern technological era that we’re in it can be a trigger to which may lead to cheating in a relationship/marriage whether social media, email, online video chat, etc. These interactions could be labeled as’ innocent’ or ‘Just friends catching up’ which can lead to feelings between the two prior and after 'catching up' but psychology shows that it merely can lead to infidelity.

No you’re not wrong about being uncertain about this guy. I would be skeptical if I found out my girlfriend/ wife were talking to another man in general to a certain point specifically if I didn’t know him. Dr. Scott Haltzman states that either wife or husband can have friends of opposite sex as long as their friends of the marriage itself. But at 2 AM, I would worry too and I would definitely be nervous and skeptical of my girlfriend/wife, but that’s a trust issue to deal with. You two are married for a reason, and her family specifically her father has to have a trust or liking for you to marry his daughter. Have a serious man to man conversation with him but at the same time put yourself in his shoes. The thing with you and you’re wife both being in the service is that you understand your situation as a whole, your marriage and job. It is a good thing that she at least told you of it, though lacking some details. Be upfront and open to her about it ask for her to be honest and ask for the truth, there’s a reason you two are married.
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