What is it with men and internet porn

[BiBi77]

I discovered, by accident, that my husband had visited some online sites. He denied it and went through an elaborate explanation of how internet sites can be linked together, unbeknownst to the user. What gives?

[jplord79]

Good question. I got caught by my wife and while I fessed up and stopped at home, I ended up with a habit that followed me to work. I was getting out of control and saw an addiction pattern of increased tolerance and less will power.

SO I went to the web and learned the 4 patterns of porn and men. I paraphrase them here, but much is readily available in the net for more detailed reading:

1) Initial exposure and excitement
2) Habitual use and a growing addiction
3) Growing desensitization and increased "Kink"
4) With Porn no longer satisfying the urge or craving, the addict seeks real women on internet sites or escorts or where-ever to act out the fantasies seen in the porn.

I got help. A 12-step program approach or other support group is important. It is a disease that will require a lifelong program of recovery, in my limited experience. We are as sick as our secrets and getting the secret out in the open is the first move in the right direction.

Porn is sexual pyrite - a fool's gold.

[BiBi77]

Thank you for responding. I didn't know it could become an addiction.
After the initial explanation, I let things ride because it was the holidays and my son had suffered a fractured ankle and we were dealing with that. Now I'm afraid to bring it up again.

[Scott Haltzman]

Porn is tricky, because, while it sometimes can become an addiction, that doesn't mean it always does. In general, women feel very threatened by any evidence of the use of pornography by her man. The overriding concensus in the media is that it is always wrong, and always bad. The only people you see "standing up for" porn are slimy porn moguls or porn stars!

When it comes to relationships, one ought to be sure there's not a porn addiction or porn obsession, absolutely. And of course, the hallmark of any addiction is denial. (That doesn't mean that everyone who denies is an addict, though.)

If it's pretty clear that it's not pathological, then there's got to be a lot of trust and understanding in a relationship to have an honest discussion about this subject.

[BiBi77]

If I'm afraid to bring it up, than that must mean something.

[Scott Haltzman]

If I'm afraid to bring it up, than that must mean something.

It means you're human!

S.H.

[BiBi77]

Thank you.

[BiBi77]

But if a couple can't talk about things like this, isn't there something fundamental missing from the relationship? I love my husband, but we can't talk to each other. We try but misinterpret things, and body language, it is very hard.

[Lonely Canuck]

Back to the original question, porn is something that to me, anyway, is an indicator of loneliness. Before I met my wife (pre-internet days) I would often look at magazines such as Penthouse or Hustler. It gave me release, but did absolutly nothing to help me find a girlfriend! Later, while we were dating and for several years after our marriage, I never felt the need to look at it. Sorry not entirely true - my wife and I would sometime rent a porn flick to watch together - but that is something different! When things started to get rough, I found myself tempted once again.

I do recognize that no good will come from it, but I can understand that if I felt that things are not going well on the home front, my sex life is not as frequent as I would like, and so on, then porn may be an easy way out.

So my advice - if you want to stop the porn, fix the root causes of any trouble in your marriage. If he has a happy sex life with you, he will be unlikely to seek the 2-D variety.

[A_warrior]

A Porn-free world would be Heaven -- exactly just that. We all have our personal preferences, but I do believe that unlimited and unmonitored porn was never meant to happen to the world, from a Christian perspective. Does anyone think we are getting less molestation and rape cases because the perps went online and relieved themselves via the porn sites and then were so satisfied they had no reason to commit a crime? If you read, the truth is exactly the opposite. Sex crimes are ever-increasing.

While the Internet has done many, many wonderful things for business and personal communications, it has also done very nasty things by bringing porn into everyone's living room. Let alone bringing sexual predators into your child's bedroom, Hackers in your files, etc... I use it for plain communication or research; however, my communications don't involve pictures of 'Naked Anything'. LOL. Where has the intelligent society gone?

If you really want to get rid of porn, Shut it down in your home. Either go computer free or Toss the PC, buy a laptop that everyone uses under one account. Keep it under lock and key unless research/schoolwork is necessary and monitor the downloads. If email is needed that much, just ask whatever happened to the damned phone call or written note?

[shadowsingle]

From what I've noticed that people look at pornography material for trying to fill the need for something they don't get. Maybe lack of sex drive of their partner. Some people look for things to fill certain voids.

On the other hand maybe people actually look at it for ways to see other sexual positions.

At the end of the day I don't know

[clueful]

My husband and I have always had a wonderful sex life, but he started blocking his computer so that noone could log onto it but him, he started saying things like "what did you do to my computer". As if I messed something up. So I thought nothing of it, he is on there several hours a day playing a video game. Just recently he left the computer logged on and took a nap, More than anything I wanted to believe he was just playing video games but when I looked at the log just for that one day there were about 20 different hardcore video clips all dark haired girls all anal and or oral stuff. I told him I knew and saw the porn he was viewing that day, that there was no argument, I was visibly upset. He laughed, probably because he was trying to pretend it wasnt a big deal. It was a big deal. Then he tried to blame me for not wanting to have sex that morning. which isnt true , I always want to , he doesn't. So I didn't let him blame me. I'm still angry but because he won't be honest with me or take responsibility there isn't a whole lot I can do.

[Travis E]

A Porn-free world would be Heaven -- exactly just that. We all have our personal preferences, but I do believe that unlimited and unmonitored porn was never meant to happen to the world, from a Christian perspective. Does anyone think we are getting less molestation and rape cases because the perps went online and relieved themselves via the porn sites and then were so satisfied they had no reason to commit a crime? If you read, the truth is exactly the opposite. Sex crimes are ever-increasing.

While the Internet has done many, many wonderful things for business and personal communications, it has also done very nasty things by bringing porn into everyone's living room. Let alone bringing sexual predators into your child's bedroom, Hackers in your files, etc... I use it for plain communication or research; however, my communications don't involve pictures of 'Naked Anything'. LOL. Where has the intelligent society gone?

Firstly, I will address this quote, and then I will give my 2 cents.

You mention sexual predators when you talk about pornography, and I'm afraid that is very... imprecise. Most evidence points to the motive for sexual crimes being more closely tied with the rapists need to control or dominate, and that most have little to do with sexual attraction at all. On the issue of child pornography, do you think that people become pedophiles because of it, or does it exist because of the perversion? There is usually bad in any aspect of life, internet or no. I do agree with you (the part I didn't quote) that it is your responsibility to set guidelines for your household. If your children are getting internet porn at your home, you have failed to educate yourself about it enough to monitor their browsing. I t would probably be better to explain to them that it does exist, and that you prefer that it isn't a part of your household for whatever reasons you plan to enforce. At least then the first they will hear about it will be from you.

ahem,
having had some problems with internet porn myself, I can assure you of at least three things gleaned from my experience.

1) While pornography has nothing to do with love at all, the siren's song of being stimulated in the way that you want without judgment, hassle, or readily apparent consequences is real. (You'll note that I said "stimulation" and not so much release. porn will help you get there, but it can never take you on its own.)

2) You should discuss with your significant other about pornography's role. for alot of single males, it is the norm, and not some kooky addiction. it is up to you to tackle the problem now that it is here.

3) Porn DOES NOT lead to cheating. If there's infidelity, it is because of something else. If the naked female form tied into all the world's problems so basically, alot of art would also be suspect. That DOES NOT rule out pornography as a symptom of a less than pleased husband, however.

In summary, pornography is a subject that needs to be discussed when it arises, but is not necessarily indicative of cheating. I know about emotional infidelity, but that is the same thing. Cheaters cheat because they are cheaters. Trying to tie that to some outside entity is irresponsible because it takes away accountability from the offender. There are plenty of men who have hellish marriages and never cheat. Just like there are plenty of men who don't get to have sex much that don't rape women.

[tknochld]

pornography is a subject that needs to be discussed when it arises, but is not necessarily indicative of cheating.

I think the key word in there is discussed. Communication is the key. After eight years of marriage, my wife and I are still surprised at some of the things we don't discuss or beat around the bush.

[RecentlyFoundMyself]

I understand the frustration of discovering your husbands porn surfing. I too, recently discovered that my spouse has been viewing internet porn. I was more upset that he tried to hide it from me than I was at him viewing it. I believe that we have a decent sex life. I have no problem watching porn with him. Initially, I thought that maybe he wasn't satisfied but soon came to the realization that maybe, just maybe, its not about satisfaction. Maybe, this is an outlet for him to indulge his fantasies. To be honest, I love him and generally have no problem trying new things at least once. HOWEVER, if once I have tried it I do not like it or it makes me uncomfortable, I will not do it again! The things that I will NOT indulge are the things I notice he views on the pron sites. As far as I'm concerned, I would rather know that he is spending time at home indulging his fantasies with porn than to discover that he has been indulging those fantasies with other women.

I say, let him watch porn. As long as it doesn't take away from your intimacy as a couple, allow him to indulge. There are times when we as women need to indulge a fantasy, I know I have and this is why I understand that just because we want to privately indulge in that fantasy, it doesnt take away from the affection I show to my husband. In fact, it allows me to be even more free with him because there are no feelings of lingering repression.