Emotional attachment to another married man

[criddle]

My wife and I have been together for over 19 yrs. 6 dating and 13 married. She said at some point that she was unhappy and tried to tell me this many times. But I just didn’t listen. We tried many times through different ways to have a child since 2005. We did ivf which did nothing and then finally adopted a daughter. Then again we wanted to try again this time we did an embryo adoption in May that didn’t take. After sugurey that should have helped us to have this embryo take but didn’t. We then started another regular adoption in June and then Nov 11 decided to stop the adoption. Here is some history on how we got where we are at now. MY wife and I were in a youth group at church as teenagers. She liked another guy bob in that group. He liked to spend time with her. They would talk for hours after he took her home after church. Then I started to come to the church. He liked for another girl Lisa and started to chase her. My wife began to like me and we started to go out. When I was not able to be with her this other guy bob would hang out with her and go to the movies and spend time together. I worked at a summer camp at the time and was not around. Well at some point they were both over at our youth leader’s house for a sleep over where Lisa’s mother was the youth leader and bob stayed there due to being without a place to stay and my wife and bob made out. She told me and I forgave her this was back in 92 just a year after we started dating. Well another time she tried to get me to fight for her love and stared to hang out with a guy at her Doug work. This ended and she stayed with me. But she said I didn’t fight for her. Well this guy bob she made out with cheated on his girlfriend Lisa at the time with another woman and she for gave him. Bob and my wife kissed just before his wedding day with his wife lisa. Then in 97 I got married to my wife and we seemed to be happy until trying to have a child. She has said that I did seem to care while we were going through trying many ways to have a child and then finally adopting our daughter. After our daughter we have grown apart. This is where she said she tried to tell me may times how she felt and I just didn’t care. She did ask to go to a marriage consoler and I didn’t think we needed it. I finally went last year to a marriage seminar and she said that she seen a difference in me and we were working on getting better. Well getting up to date we in may worked on our adoption again. Well in june we decided to go to a camp reunion and meet our friends. Bob was there and Lisa was there. We talked just fine. After that my wife and bob talked again telling each other of the issues in their marriages. She got to like him again and he said he liked her just never told her when he was younger. Now he is ready to divorce his wife and go after mine. She has let him come to the house when I was at work to talk and I finally confronted them at the house one night. He left and she said that he wouldn’t come back again at night when I was not there. I stared to see a consoler in august and After sometime in early September she said she was to stay with me and try to work things out for use to stay together. I stopped seeing the consoler. I asked her to go see the consoler and she didn’t want to. I asked her to stop talking to bob before we went on vacation to just be us and she agreed. Well now after we went on vacation in October and she decided to see the consoler October 26. We have gone weekly to the consoler. She also said she talked to bob while on vacation and still is daily. Bob also has cheated again on his wife sense being married when they invited another couple into their house that needed a place to stay for 6 weeks. Even after his encounter the couple stayed for a month at their house. I told my wife I didn’t trust him. She said she talked to him about that issue. She wants out of our marriage and doesn’t care anymore. I wanted to work on this sense august when I found out what was going on. She said she tried to see if her love came back for me but it was there at times one night then in the morning nothing. She now says she loves bob and wants to get a divorce. She said it took only once kiss from him to get her feelings back that she really was a woman and felt good. I know after talking to her I have let her down but not this bad to leave for someone else. She wouldn’t have tolerated this from me if the roles were reversed. I can’t believe she wants to give up our relationship after years. She wanted me to know how she feels and now she said it’s too late to do anything she is burn out on me and she just wants him and what he can give her. She wants to talk to me on our process for the divorce, but I can’t. She even said that she has tied to keep bob out of this and she can’t. is there any hope left.

[ThunderHorse]

Ther is Plan A and Plan B.

Plan A is being congenial and trying to work things out.

Plan B is setting up some conditions that need to be met, and cutting off unnecessary communication.

One view is that it is your job, as a husband, to listen to whatever your wife wants to talk about. Antoehr view is thaqt there may be sojme topics about which yhou feel uncomfortable, and want to ask her to refrain from discussing thsose subjects.

It sounds like your wife has been complaining about not having children, and you have been taking aproblem solving approach, rather than listening to her desires, as a venting coach.

There are two chapters in the Secrets of Husbands book about listening to your wife.

You seem more intersted in trying to solve your perception of her problems, rather than trying to empathize with your wife' s feelings, about issues in her life.





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[ThunderHorse]

I try to taslk about principles of marriage, rather than give direct advice.

Husband daily offering to Listen to wife's venting. The other man is probably willing to listen all day long to how your wife wants to divorce you. So your arguing withe your wife, when she wants to vent, puts you at a Listening disadvantage compared the other man.

You have described adoption and fertility measures, but you have not mentioned who took the lead in the research, and making appointments. Your wife may have been venting, and you may have been solving problems. That is another principle is that Husbands often make the mistake of trying to solve a problem, that was only an expression of feelings, for the wife. Your wife may not be so eager to raise an adopted daughter with you, even though she may have complained bitterly about being childless.

Another principle is that a husband should try to give compliments to his wife. You have gone on for many sentences, without any ordinary or creative compliments.

Another principle is that a husband should avoid non-emergency criticism, direct or indirect. It seems that much of the interaction with your wife has been an idirect criticism of her difficulties in having children, or being barren. This is at least an indriect criticsm. Probably the other man, who apparently wants to keep his marriage, has no problems with your wife being infertile.

The decisions you have made to emphasize your wife's infertility, to argue with her feeling of unhappiness with her marriage to you, and your taking iniatives to solve the infertility "Problem" have put you at a disadvantage to another man.

You can begin giving your wife more creative compliments, avoiding mentioning infertility, and begin developing ths skills of encouaging your wife to vent about all of her frustrations with her life, her marriage, and with you. That may be difficult to do, so I am not really advising you.

What parenting courses are you taking, to do a better job with your adopted daughter?




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[ThunderHorse]

In response to your wife's inability to have children, if she brings it up, you might give comfort, without trying to problem-solve, by, "There are diappointments in life, and in marriage we can share disppointments, and not having our own biological children is a diappointment we can share."



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[criddle]

My wife was the one who has pushed to try the IVF and then the adoption. This was all done after years for going to many fertility specialists. I went to all the doctors visits and did what ever I needed to on my side of the issue to see if I had a problem. After all of this not working we tried a normal adoption in 2005. We were finally choosen by a mother for our daughter in 2007 and then all the court paper work was done on jun 19 2008. We then started to explore more adoption after talking to the adoption agentcy on embreyo adoption. then took the next step of her having surgury to allow her to carry a child. I was there in all these times. talking her to the doctors and out of state to have the embreyo adoption done in may 2010. After this not taking we decided to start a normal adoption. in June She started to talk to her friend in july and at the end of the month I found out. we still worked on the adoption into september and again sent money to the agencey. We just as of November decided to stop the adoption process but she has not told the agencey yet. I think she is still debating on what she wants. She said she couldn't do this any more. Her connection to me and her other friend. She talks to him daily and still lives at home. She just asked last night what I thought was going on. I said you seem to want to get a devorice and I just giving you what you want. She said she thought all weekend on why she knows she should be working on this marriage but just dosent want to. she can't say why she dosen't. she thinks may be she is just burnt out. I asked her what she wants in life. she said she wants some one to take care of her and to take the lead in the house and not to have to second guess the other person is doing the right thing. She also said that may be she just had to high of an expections and I can't meet them. She said also that if she was to stay it would be like it is now her co existing at the house with me. She has thought daily on how to raise our daughter alone. To me she seems she is still trying to figure out where she is at.

[ThunderHorse]

What are your listiening patterns? What compliments do you give your wife? What morecompliments could you give her?

Are you able to give her unconditional listening, for 15 min per day?

What are your current disagreements? How are you solving the disagreements?

The leadership you can provide now is how to coordinate as Mother and Father of your daughter.

Leadership is intiiating times to listen to your wife vent. Wha is your daily ingteraction with your daughter, adn how do you compliment your wfie's objectives?






LISTENING


1. When someone has said something, try repeating back what you heard. Then ask, “Did I get that right?”

2. If you heard wrong, seek clarification.

3. If you heard right, ask if there’s anything else the speaker would like to share.

4. Continue to seek clarification until the speaker says he or she feels heard.

5. Finally summarize what you heard. By then, if you have a different point of view, the person you are talking to it will be open to hear it.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... highlight=
3rd post by Social Distortion






Compliments for husbands to give wives during listening sessions:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477

8th Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

2nd Post Down 15 Min Listening
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

3rd Post Down, Gives some phrases for a husband to be encouraging wife to talk.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Husband has wife who says she hates him, Listening discussed:
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ght=listen

Post 2, 7 and 12 discuss the Love diet of offering to listen several times a day, even when your wife is usually not interested in talking,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... light=diet


Thread on Unconditional listening phrases,
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=451

Giving compliments to the Wife as a way to encourage venting.
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477






PARENTING

3 Parenting Refs Posted on Thread:

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=529




Web MD Article
http://www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/10 ... -teenagers



Gary Smalley
http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/218


Parenting with Dignity
http://www.parentingwithdignity.com/







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