My wife's old flame finally broke our barrier...

[newman21009]

My wife and I have been married for 6 years this January. I am in the mortgage business and things were great for a while but then quickly diminished over the past few years. During this time my wife and I have 3 children since 2005. She already had one so we have 4 children. She has been a stay at home mom since. I admit I took her for granted. All that she does for me and the family. I was mentally and physically removed. I put my work over her and the kids but in my mind I was doing it for them. Boy was I wrong. My wife is very beautiful. I still wonder how the heck I was able to get her. Through out the years her "friends" from high school would pop up and make passes. She was the "ugly duckling" in her school. Now that these people see her beauty now they decided they should tell her bad they screwed up and so on. Well my wife has always been very good about saying your loss and being all about me. Well about a year ago I tore my Achilles tendon playing sports. It was a devastating injury. I was down and out for a long time. She had to do everything. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was very hard on her. Not to mention I was always working during the week. I would go into work around 10am and get home about 9pm every day. It was taxing on both of us because she bascially had to raise our kids along. Well her 10 year reunion came up this past June. Apparently there was a guy there that always tried to rekindle things with her. He has tried a couple times over the years. I never really thought anything of it as she would never do anything. She always told me she was never capable of cheating on me. I was the love of her life. We were perfect for each other. Well after the reunion they began emailing back and forth. She also went and met him out. And then the unthinkable happened. She had an affair with him. A couple times in June and once in September. I did not know anything like this was going on. I did know that something was not right. I would ask her questions but of course it was nothing. She always wanted to go out with her friends and be free. I guess having babies that close together she felt she had sacrificed a lot. Anyway I knew she was not happy and neither was I. We were fighting alot. I was getting ready to open my own business and I told her things would be different once I got it up and running. She said ok and encouraged me to do it. Little did I know what she was doing in the background. So we talked a little bit and decided we needed to do some us time. We decided to go on a date. We have not have a lot time for us. We went to dinner and saw a movie. It was awesome. I really felt good about things. We still fought though. I started to think the worst. I asked if there was anyone else. She said no I have nothing to worry about. Well in October we were talking about Halloween costumes to go to a party. She wanted to do something together. Then she didnt like the way some of the costumes looked. They were not sexy enough for her. She then said she wanted to go as a gypsy. Basically making me fend for myself. I said that was not what we talked about and we got into an arguement. She then told me she did not feel the same way about me anymore and that I was more like a best friend to her. I rushed home at that instant because I was devastated. HOw could this be? This is the love of my life? We talked and talked. She did not think I cared about us anymore. I was not doing a good job of showing it. She thought maybe we were done. She was already raising the kids on her own what would be different if I did not sleep there? It was tough. I cried for hours. HOwever the affair never came up. After she saw how much she meant to me she said things were much clearer to her. We started focusing on us. It was the best couple of days we have ever had. My cousin passed away the next day. It was very tough for me as he was 18. Very sad and tragic. Then the bomb was dropped. My best friend sent me a text message about her affair. He had seen a message in his wife's phone from my wife talking about it. I asked her about it and she denied it. It went back and forth between me, him, his wife, and mine. She finally caved and told me that it was true. I had told her that if she cheated on me we were done. Her sister's ex-husband cheated on her sister. We helped her thru that. She awlays said she would never. So she said she just hung out with him and nothing happened. THat it was over. She said he was appreciative of her and made her feel good about herself. Well I felt terrible but in my mind she cheated regardless of whether it was physical or not. It made it a lot easier. I know I said I would leave but that is a lot easier said than done. We have 4 beautiful kids and I love her so much. I needed to try and give us another chance. After weeks of being depressed and moping. We would have great or terrible days. Nothing really in between. I got the book Secrets of Happily Married Men and read it. I promised her I would read it since i have never finished a book since we have been together since February 2002. It was a great book and I still refer to it from time to time. She is reading it now. Things have been very good and I can see she is happy again and so am I .....sort of. I found out from her that the affair was physical. She told me that the week of Thanksgiving. It was one of our bad days. I packed my bags and left. One the way out my daughter woke up and asked me where I was going. I was in tears and broke down. I could not handle it. My wife was a complete mess and as hysterical as I was. She was saying how sorry she was and how bad she screwed up. I said it is what it is and left. I went to my office. I did not want to tell anyone as I know how judgmental people are and I did not want her to endure that. She is the love of my life. Thinking about a life without her is pain to me. She texted me all night to come home. I came home after a couple hours because I did not think it was fair to miss the morning with my kids because of something my wife and did to our family. It was very hard for the next couple of weeks. We did everything together. We have had a lot of great times but every once in a while I get into a funk and start thinking about it. I cant get it out of my head sometimes. I get so pissed off and wonder how she could do this. She said she was not in love with me at the time because she felt I did not care anymore. I know I laid the groundwork for this. I know I played a part. I just dont think that cheating is ever the answer. If it happened once that is different than multiple times to me. I want to be over it but I know I am not. I dont trust her completley and I cling to her. I end up smothering her with the fear of losing her. The problem is that only pushes her away. I just need to figure out a way to get over this. The one thing I do know is I want to be with her. She tells me she wants to be with me. She has shown me a lot lately how much she cares and loves me. The problem is he goes back to his relationship, she goes back to hers like nothhing happened. I end up being the one who is left to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to let things go. Its always been something that had haunted me. Its llike I feel like I am bi-polar now. I am great one day and down the next. Couseling is $130 a session and I dont have that kind of money with 4 kids and a regular bills. There is nothing I want more than to be happy with her again to the point I dont ever think of this. I wish someone could hynotize me to remove this memory in my head. I honestly think I would rather have not known about the affair. I mean I needed to hear her tell me that her feelings were changing. I made an immediate change right then and there. However now everyday at some point I think of her with this guy. I think how could she do this? She thought we were done. I never thought that and that is why it hurts so much. I have never been this devastated in my life. Alot of people in our lives have gone thru this and ended up fine. I did not want this life for us. I fear that if I cant get over this then we will have to split. I dont want that. I dont want to live like this either. When its good there is nothing better. When its bad I feel defeated. There are way more good times than bad now. We have worked out a lot of things and doing well. Right now its me. I cant get this out of my head. What can I do? Is there like a triigger word I can say when I have these thoughts? Are there any excercises I can do to help me get past the affair? HOw do I love her without being smothering? How can I move on with trusting?

Dr. Scott I know you are very busy. I dont have the money for therapy right now. I need some pointers or exercises to help me with the final push. Everyone says we are a very happy couple. We are I just need to get past this bump in the road. I will not quit us as I know she is human and we all make mistakes. I made the one of putting my ambition over her. I neglected for a long time and pushed her away. I dont blame myself for the choice she made but I certainly did not help things either. That I am fine with. I have accepted that and moved on. I just need to get the physical things and details out of my head! I need a way to deal with them in a positive way to better serve our family. I want to be the best husband I can be but also be true to myself. Can you help me? We both dont want a life without the other. For Xmas this year I put a picture of us in a nice frame and wrote her a long letter of what she means to me and how much I love her. She gave me a picture too of us. It turned out to be the same exact one! We are more on the same page than we have been in years. We really are working thru this. I just need a little push in the right direction so I dont hold us back.

[ThunderHorse]

If you could summarize your concerns, it would be easier for me to give you a more meaningful comment.

[newman21009]

I guess I need a way to get over the actual act of her cheating. I need to be able to move on. Its so hard right now. I have days where I am so happy and then days when I feel terrible. How do I get over this? I have never been able to let go of things. I just want to be happy with her all the time. Everything has been going great between us but I still feel pain when I think about her with him. I want those images out of my mind. I want to not have every little thing remind me of it. I mean everything has been testing me as lyrics to songs, movies, even things someone else says. Its like I cant get away from it. Her and I have worked out alot of the issues. We have been moving forward but sometimes I get down and think about her doing this. I just need some way to not think about this anymore. I need help to get this out of my head and focus on the marraige now not what we went thru. I would do anything not to have to ever think of this again.

[socialdistortion]

Dear Newman,

I read your post and it sounds like you are in a tough place right now. I admire your desire to save your marriage and your determination to make things work after what has happen. I would predict Haltzman would tell you that your marriage could definitely be saved and survive this affair. Haltzman says "An affair doesn't have to be a death knell to a relationship, it can be a wake up call instead. If you look on the bright side, an affair can be a springboard to open a dialogue via counseling sessions to discuss the underlying problems in the relationship. A marriage or relationship absolutely can withstand cheating."


“Haltzman says that a marriage can survive if a partner has been unfaithful, and it begins with trust. The person who had the affair must be entirely open and entirely honest. He also said "if you've had an affair, if you're that person out there that's cheating, you need to be willing to answer all of your partners questions." The other "must," according to Haltzman, all connections must be ended with the person you had the affair with, even if you work with that person. It may mean finding a different position with the same company, or a new job all together because it is that destructive to your marriage.” quoted from- http://www.thebostonchannel.com/health/ ... etail.html


There is a good set of advice on how to survive infidelity on the Marriage Builders website. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5525_qa.html They discuss relevant issues you might be dealing with including- how affairs begin, how the should end, marital recovery after an affair. It is worth reading. This is a good place to start. Of course you feel pain, I am guessing it will not go away anytime soon, but it sounds like you are willing to do whatever it takes to work through it. Again, I admire your desire to save your marriage and your family.

Keep us posted,

Social Distortion

[ThunderHorse]

You might focus on how you are meeting your wife's needs now.

What are your wife's needs and desires, and how are you fulfilling these needs?

What opportunities for listening to your wife,, or encouraging her venting, have you missed recently? There are two capters in the Husband's Secrets book on listening strategies.

[bakergirltt]

Hi newman

I understand what you're going through. Its been over a year for me and I still struggle with images myself. At first it dominated me, I couldn't have sex without thinking am I doing something she did, does he remember things while we're together. It's a living hell. It seems to dominate your life. You're not alone and you're not going crazy. You may be a man and I'm a woman but I felt all that you do. The songs on the radio, other women walking in the street, the interactions between people, television shows, any reference to infidelity.. the list goes on.

It does get better. I read a blog by another man who went through what you did. I've been to so many different sites that I cant remember exactly where to give you a link, but basically he likened those images to pop up ads on the internet.

His advice is that, in the same way you click on a pop up ad and x it off saying "no thanks", you have to click that image out and say "no thanks", you have to replace it with a positive image. For instance, think about how much better you both are now. If you get a sudden image of something you imagine she did with him, you have to make the decision to CHOOSE not to dwell on it and to force it out of your mind. Its difficult, I know, but it can be done.

Think about the reasons that you WANT to be with her and that you want your marriage to work and focus on those and the good things. Believe me, its easier to keep having an instant replay of all the things that are wrong with your relationship, all the bad things that happened and to get sucked into a vortex of fear that everything will repeat itself.

I've had to tell my husband that I need a lot of reassurance, that I need things to help me to build back the complete trust and faith that I had, but mostly because I need to feel safe again. It gets better, as he gives me what I need. I know that he gets frustrated sometimes but he understands and the times are getting fewer and fewer when I feel the need for more.

Perhaps you need to discuss these things with your wife. If she's like my husband, the worst part of it for her is seeing your pain and the guilt and the shame. You need to be careful when you talk to her to let her know that you have forgiven and want to move on, that she's everything to you but that you need certain things to feel safe again. Tell her that you don't want to keep taking her back to the place of darkness but this is what you feel. Above all, she needs to know that you love her unconditionally or your own pain and doubt and fear will keep her from healing too. Don;'t withhold your love for any reason. Even if you feel justified, love is the key thing here.. its what really does the healing, love and forgiveness.

Unfortunately, forgiving doesn't mean that you forget. We're human and so when we're stressed or upset about something else, we start dragging out of our memories all the baggage we carry there. Like you, I wished that I could have hypnosis to remove the memory and the images. YOU have the power over your mind and you can do this. Be strong and hold on to whatever faith you have.

One other thing.. your wife is probably living in her own little castle of fear. I know that deep in my husband's heart is the fear that I will still, after all we've been through, walk out on him someday because of all that he did. They know they've broken something and they're scared it can't be fixed. Don't feed her fears, keep reassuring her of your love and commitment to her. When my husband accepted that I love him unconditionally, despite what he did, he truly opened up for the first time in his life and really understood what love is all about.

My last comment is this. Sometimes something gets broken and it could never be repaired to look the same, but it could be made even better. I gave my husband this example when he was feeling particularly despondent about us ever being healed because of how broken I was.

Picture some beautiful glass or ceramic item that breaks.. lets say a plate. If you try to stick it together it will never look as beautiful again, but if you take the broken pieces and use them in a mosaic pattern on another object, like a vase or bottle, you now have a new creation, a beautiful piece of art.

My marriage, and possibly yours, was like that plate. It had flaws in it and eventually broke, but now the pieces are being put back into a most beautiful creation, much better than the plate had ever been. I hope that you find that your marriage is becoming a beautiful creation too.

I wish you the best of luck and all God's blessings. Hope you work everything out and hope that I have helped.

[newman21009]

I appreciate the responses and advice. We were doing really well thru the holidays, our anniversary and her birthday. Its still up and down but a lot better. We have had some amazing nights. We are working very hard. I will keep you posted.