My wife and I have been married for 6 years this January. I am in the mortgage business and things were great for a while but then quickly diminished over the past few years. During this time my wife and I have 3 children since 2005. She already had one so we have 4 children. She has been a stay at home mom since. I admit I took her for granted. All that she does for me and the family. I was mentally and physically removed. I put my work over her and the kids but in my mind I was doing it for them. Boy was I wrong. My wife is very beautiful. I still wonder how the heck I was able to get her. Through out the years her "friends" from high school would pop up and make passes. She was the "ugly duckling" in her school. Now that these people see her beauty now they decided they should tell her bad they screwed up and so on. Well my wife has always been very good about saying your loss and being all about me. Well about a year ago I tore my Achilles tendon playing sports. It was a devastating injury. I was down and out for a long time. She had to do everything. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was very hard on her. Not to mention I was always working during the week. I would go into work around 10am and get home about 9pm every day. It was taxing on both of us because she bascially had to raise our kids along. Well her 10 year reunion came up this past June. Apparently there was a guy there that always tried to rekindle things with her. He has tried a couple times over the years. I never really thought anything of it as she would never do anything. She always told me she was never capable of cheating on me. I was the love of her life. We were perfect for each other. Well after the reunion they began emailing back and forth. She also went and met him out. And then the unthinkable happened. She had an affair with him. A couple times in June and once in September. I did not know anything like this was going on. I did know that something was not right. I would ask her questions but of course it was nothing. She always wanted to go out with her friends and be free. I guess having babies that close together she felt she had sacrificed a lot. Anyway I knew she was not happy and neither was I. We were fighting alot. I was getting ready to open my own business and I told her things would be different once I got it up and running. She said ok and encouraged me to do it. Little did I know what she was doing in the background. So we talked a little bit and decided we needed to do some us time. We decided to go on a date. We have not have a lot time for us. We went to dinner and saw a movie. It was awesome. I really felt good about things. We still fought though. I started to think the worst. I asked if there was anyone else. She said no I have nothing to worry about. Well in October we were talking about Halloween costumes to go to a party. She wanted to do something together. Then she didnt like the way some of the costumes looked. They were not sexy enough for her. She then said she wanted to go as a gypsy. Basically making me fend for myself. I said that was not what we talked about and we got into an arguement. She then told me she did not feel the same way about me anymore and that I was more like a best friend to her. I rushed home at that instant because I was devastated. HOw could this be? This is the love of my life? We talked and talked. She did not think I cared about us anymore. I was not doing a good job of showing it. She thought maybe we were done. She was already raising the kids on her own what would be different if I did not sleep there? It was tough. I cried for hours. HOwever the affair never came up. After she saw how much she meant to me she said things were much clearer to her. We started focusing on us. It was the best couple of days we have ever had. My cousin passed away the next day. It was very tough for me as he was 18. Very sad and tragic. Then the bomb was dropped. My best friend sent me a text message about her affair. He had seen a message in his wife's phone from my wife talking about it. I asked her about it and she denied it. It went back and forth between me, him, his wife, and mine. She finally caved and told me that it was true. I had told her that if she cheated on me we were done. Her sister's ex-husband cheated on her sister. We helped her thru that. She awlays said she would never. So she said she just hung out with him and nothing happened. THat it was over. She said he was appreciative of her and made her feel good about herself. Well I felt terrible but in my mind she cheated regardless of whether it was physical or not. It made it a lot easier. I know I said I would leave but that is a lot easier said than done. We have 4 beautiful kids and I love her so much. I needed to try and give us another chance. After weeks of being depressed and moping. We would have great or terrible days. Nothing really in between. I got the book Secrets of Happily Married Men and read it. I promised her I would read it since i have never finished a book since we have been together since February 2002. It was a great book and I still refer to it from time to time. She is reading it now. Things have been very good and I can see she is happy again and so am I .....sort of. I found out from her that the affair was physical. She told me that the week of Thanksgiving. It was one of our bad days. I packed my bags and left. One the way out my daughter woke up and asked me where I was going. I was in tears and broke down. I could not handle it. My wife was a complete mess and as hysterical as I was. She was saying how sorry she was and how bad she screwed up. I said it is what it is and left. I went to my office. I did not want to tell anyone as I know how judgmental people are and I did not want her to endure that. She is the love of my life. Thinking about a life without her is pain to me. She texted me all night to come home. I came home after a couple hours because I did not think it was fair to miss the morning with my kids because of something my wife and did to our family. It was very hard for the next couple of weeks. We did everything together. We have had a lot of great times but every once in a while I get into a funk and start thinking about it. I cant get it out of my head sometimes. I get so pissed off and wonder how she could do this. She said she was not in love with me at the time because she felt I did not care anymore. I know I laid the groundwork for this. I know I played a part. I just dont think that cheating is ever the answer. If it happened once that is different than multiple times to me. I want to be over it but I know I am not. I dont trust her completley and I cling to her. I end up smothering her with the fear of losing her. The problem is that only pushes her away. I just need to figure out a way to get over this. The one thing I do know is I want to be with her. She tells me she wants to be with me. She has shown me a lot lately how much she cares and loves me. The problem is he goes back to his relationship, she goes back to hers like nothhing happened. I end up being the one who is left to pick up the pieces. I dont know how to let things go. Its always been something that had haunted me. Its llike I feel like I am bi-polar now. I am great one day and down the next. Couseling is $130 a session and I dont have that kind of money with 4 kids and a regular bills. There is nothing I want more than to be happy with her again to the point I dont ever think of this. I wish someone could hynotize me to remove this memory in my head. I honestly think I would rather have not known about the affair. I mean I needed to hear her tell me that her feelings were changing. I made an immediate change right then and there. However now everyday at some point I think of her with this guy. I think how could she do this? She thought we were done. I never thought that and that is why it hurts so much. I have never been this devastated in my life. Alot of people in our lives have gone thru this and ended up fine. I did not want this life for us. I fear that if I cant get over this then we will have to split. I dont want that. I dont want to live like this either. When its good there is nothing better. When its bad I feel defeated. There are way more good times than bad now. We have worked out a lot of things and doing well. Right now its me. I cant get this out of my head. What can I do? Is there like a triigger word I can say when I have these thoughts? Are there any excercises I can do to help me get past the affair? HOw do I love her without being smothering? How can I move on with trusting?
Dr. Scott I know you are very busy. I dont have the money for therapy right now. I need some pointers or exercises to help me with the final push. Everyone says we are a very happy couple. We are I just need to get past this bump in the road. I will not quit us as I know she is human and we all make mistakes. I made the one of putting my ambition over her. I neglected for a long time and pushed her away. I dont blame myself for the choice she made but I certainly did not help things either. That I am fine with. I have accepted that and moved on. I just need to get the physical things and details out of my head! I need a way to deal with them in a positive way to better serve our family. I want to be the best husband I can be but also be true to myself. Can you help me? We both dont want a life without the other. For Xmas this year I put a picture of us in a nice frame and wrote her a long letter of what she means to me and how much I love her. She gave me a picture too of us. It turned out to be the same exact one! We are more on the same page than we have been in years. We really are working thru this. I just need a little push in the right direction so I dont hold us back.