Emotional Affair?

[JAB]

I have been reading this board for a couple of weeks now and a term I have seen several times is "emotional affair". Honestly, I do not have any idea what this is. Can some one provide me with some info on how someone has an "emotional affair"
Thanks.

[ThunderHorse]

Platonic Cheating.

Theoreticaly, before extra-marital sex occurs, an emotional bond is established, before actual cheating occurs.

The idea would be, to be aware if a series of contacts with other men/women, was becoming emtionally invloved, with deeper caring. That would be an indication to work on improving the marriage dynamics. Ifr a marriage is working well, then there should not be a need for an emotional affair.

[longhornmom]

I recently found out that my husband of 29 years has been having an emotional affair for the last two years. I found out from reading some of his emails. He has been going to lunch with this woman, business dinners, emails when he is home, etc. I had never even heard this woman's name prior to this. He is her supervisor. None of the emails mentioned love or anything sexual but he did "check on her" a couple of times when he was off from work.
When I found out he was very upset said she was just a "friend" and he never knew how much it would hurt me. We actually met with her and told her their relationship had to be strictly professional from now on. She agreed but three days later fixed a breakfast casserole for his birthday and brought it to work. He did not tell me about this and I heard from another of his co-workers about the birthday celebration, he claims he did not tell me because he was trying to make things right and was afraid it would make it worse. I say it was just another lie.
He told her that from now on he only wants a business/professional relationship and sine July he swears this is true.
My problem is I do not trust him anymore and don't know if I ever can. He was my best friend and soul mate, and now I feel like I have lost everything, don't know if I can ever trust and forgive him.
And thoughts would be appreciated.

[socialdistortion]

Dear Longhornmom,

You say that your husband sent several nonsexual emails to a female coworker that was ‘just a friend’. He has never mentioned her name and denied it was anything more than this. So you met with her and both told her their relationship had to be strictly professional from now on. Whose idea was that? How did she react? This sounds really awkward for all three of you. Did either of them admit to an emotional affair? Do you realize how awesome that was of your husband to put himself in such an uncomfortable situation to comfort you? Perhaps the ‘breakfast casserole’ made just a few days after your meeting was something planned in advanced and would have been even more unusual to cancel it or assign it to someone else.

While I am not saying what he did was right, I do think you should consider that perhaps their relationship was not necessarily an emotional affair. An emotional affair implies sexual or romantic feelings for her by him or for him by her or both. It is the only type of infidelity that could possibly be committed solely by only one individual and without the knowledge of the other, this makes little sense. I would be interested in her reaction to these allegations.

The marriage experts define the difference between a friendship and emotional affair http://www.cheating-spouse-alert.com/em ... ffair.html

The line can sometimes get blurry, so here are some guidelines that separate them both:

Friendship:

1. You love your friend and you can do anything for her, but one thing you cannot do.. you cannot imagine having sex with her. At the very least, if you close your eyes and imagine having sex with your friend...you don't get turned on. (Okay some friends are good looking and you CAN imagine having sex with her... but you just don't).

2. You don't share details of your relationship especially its troubles to your significant friend. Those are just for the same-sex support group.

3. You look forward to catch up with your friend socially, but you don't keep wanting to see her when you're with your partner.

4. Your partner knows about your friend, also knows when you are actually catching up with your friend.

5. Your partner supports your friendship with your friend.

6. You don't daydream and fantasize about your friend a lot.

7. You don't tend to hide your not-so-good side from your friend.

8. There are more things that your partner knows that your friend doesn't know of.

9. You don't think twice to set your friend up with someone, and you feel happy when you see your friend go on dates.

10. You smile when you think about your friend getting married.

Emotional Affair:

1. There is some sort of chemistry attraction developed - even subconsciously. You wonder how it is to kiss your friend or to touch her. You imagine having sex with her.

2. You share details of your relationship to your friend. In fact, you love sharing your trouble and you love it when your friend listens to you so well.

3. You look forward to catch up with your friend even when you are with your partner. You think of your friend some when in the middle of your supposedly romantic night with your partner.

4. Your friend's name come up way too often in conversations.

5. You hide some information about your friendship from your partner. You lie when asked for information on how you two spent your time together.

6. You find yourself saying the magic phrase 'But we are just friends' on many occasion.

7. Your friend knows more intimate things about you compared to your partner.

8. You day dream about your friend a lot.

9. Your partner is unsupportive of your friendship. Somehow this friend of yours bothers your partner.

10. You are jealous towards your friend's date. You secretly hope she will stay together with you rather than finding her true love.

You call your husband of 29 years your ‘soul mate and best friend’. Do you really want to lose that? He seemed really willing to do whatever needed to put you at ease. Could you possibly be wrong in labeling this an emotional affair?

Best,

Social Distortion

[longhornmom]

Dear Social Distortion:
Perhaps you are right that it wasn't a emotional affair but the line between friendship and emotional affair seems very thin to me. If he had nothing to hide why didn't I know about this woman and his friendship with her.
My problem now seems to be TRUST, he says they now only speak professionaly, but how do I really know, since he lied about her for several years? The one thing I thought my marriage was built on was trust, and to learn I was wrong is quite a blow.
Somedays I feel like I can forget all this and others it seems to be the only thing on my mind.
Thanks for your reply, it does help to talk.

Longhornmom

[socialdistortion]

Dear Longhornmom,

I understand how you can be upset and hurt by this. You can look at it this way- even if he did have a flirtatious relationship with her; it never crossed the line even after several years and without your knowledge. It probably never would have and never will.

But, I guess what would bother me is him saying that he had ‘nothing to hide’ in one breath and then saying it would be ‘only professional from now on’ in another. Which is it? He had nothing to hide and you are delusional or it was inappropriate and will now be only professional?

You say “sometimes I feel like I can forget all this and others it seems to be the only thing on my mind”. I vote for forgiveness. Forgiveness is counterintuitive to human nature. When someone hurts you it is a natural reaction to want to hurt them back. Forgiveness is a learned behavior. It doesn’t mean that you can’t still be angry, can’t still be cautious or can’t still feel hurt. Remember you are the one he shares a 29 year history with, not her.

Best,

Social Distortion

[Mr.G]

First of all the term “emotion affair” is pretty self-explanatory, it is in other word platonic relationship with romantic feelings towards the persona that you should not have. Assuming you are in a committed relationship, if not then there is no emotional affair. Emotional affair can numerous times hurt more than an actual sexual affair it self.

Especially truth for males. Research shows that “men have more interest in sex”. “ The connection between sex and intimacy is more important for women “. My professor M says “ man can have sex with anyone “. But do we really need her to tell us that? So that leads us to conclusion that, men can have sex without any feelings what so ever.

So what do you think it would hurt you more? Having your partner do whatever they do and leave it at that. Or having someone sleeping right next to you dreaming and fantasizing about someone else. Or to go even further while you are having sex he or she will think about their platonic friend “ only ”.

How do you know when emotional affair happens? The person will talk about then with different tone. Even blush while talking about them. You can notice change in wardrobe and behavior when person is meeting that “ platonic friend “ or find them in close proximity.
Hope this helps and not happens to you, Mr.G.

[ManOnTheHill]

The problem you are claiming to have is a trust problem started by suspicious behavior of your husband. It is normal for you to have these issues after finding out he is talking and seeing another woman you have never even heard him mention. Take a moment to be angry with your husband and when you feel better you must let this issue go. This will be very difficult after he has betrayed your trust but you must move forward in your life rather than dwindle on the past.
According to Dr. Ski some of the most common causes of divorce are jealousy and infidelity. Keep this in mind at all times because if you push this the wrong way you could potentially face divorce. Another highly common cause for divorce and general marital unhappiness is communication difficulties. If your husband truly was not cheating on you and having an emotional affair, he was having communication difficulties telling you about his problems and this other woman. The birthday casserole is an example of a communication difficulty, your husband should have told you but do not hold his imperfections against him. Ask yourself why is he having communication difficulties and where else he may be having trouble talking to you.
Remember that forgiving is your best option of saving your marriage as prolonged distrust and unpleasantness will end badly. If however you find yourself unable to trust this person you can spy on them to find out what you wish to know. Install a key logger on their phone and computer. A key logger is a free program that will allow you secretly record every single thing he types even if he deletes it. If you have the assets you should hire a private eye to spy on your significant other. Both of these spying techniques are a complete violation of trust and privacy. If you are caught you will now have to make up for betraying his trust and this will have a negative impact on your relationship. Whatever you do you must forgive your husband or terminate your relationship. Think long and careful about whatever decision you make, I wish you the best in your endeavors.