Dear Longhornmom,
You say that your husband sent several nonsexual emails to a female coworker that was ‘just a friend’. He has never mentioned her name and denied it was anything more than this. So you met with her and both told her their relationship had to be strictly professional from now on. Whose idea was that? How did she react? This sounds really awkward for all three of you. Did either of them admit to an emotional affair? Do you realize how awesome that was of your husband to put himself in such an uncomfortable situation to comfort you? Perhaps the ‘breakfast casserole’ made just a few days after your meeting was something planned in advanced and would have been even more unusual to cancel it or assign it to someone else.
While I am not saying what he did was right, I do think you should consider that perhaps their relationship was not necessarily an emotional affair. An emotional affair implies sexual or romantic feelings for her by him or for him by her or both. It is the only type of infidelity that could possibly be committed solely by only one individual and without the knowledge of the other, this makes little sense. I would be interested in her reaction to these allegations.
The marriage experts define the difference between a friendship and emotional affair http://www.cheating-spouse-alert.com/em ... ffair.html
The line can sometimes get blurry, so here are some guidelines that separate them both:
Friendship:
1. You love your friend and you can do anything for her, but one thing you cannot do.. you cannot imagine having sex with her. At the very least, if you close your eyes and imagine having sex with your friend...you don't get turned on. (Okay some friends are good looking and you CAN imagine having sex with her... but you just don't).
2. You don't share details of your relationship especially its troubles to your significant friend. Those are just for the same-sex support group.
3. You look forward to catch up with your friend socially, but you don't keep wanting to see her when you're with your partner.
4. Your partner knows about your friend, also knows when you are actually catching up with your friend.
5. Your partner supports your friendship with your friend.
6. You don't daydream and fantasize about your friend a lot.
7. You don't tend to hide your not-so-good side from your friend.
8. There are more things that your partner knows that your friend doesn't know of.
9. You don't think twice to set your friend up with someone, and you feel happy when you see your friend go on dates.
10. You smile when you think about your friend getting married.
Emotional Affair:
1. There is some sort of chemistry attraction developed - even subconsciously. You wonder how it is to kiss your friend or to touch her. You imagine having sex with her.
2. You share details of your relationship to your friend. In fact, you love sharing your trouble and you love it when your friend listens to you so well.
3. You look forward to catch up with your friend even when you are with your partner. You think of your friend some when in the middle of your supposedly romantic night with your partner.
4. Your friend's name come up way too often in conversations.
5. You hide some information about your friendship from your partner. You lie when asked for information on how you two spent your time together.
6. You find yourself saying the magic phrase 'But we are just friends' on many occasion.
7. Your friend knows more intimate things about you compared to your partner.
8. You day dream about your friend a lot.
9. Your partner is unsupportive of your friendship. Somehow this friend of yours bothers your partner.
10. You are jealous towards your friend's date. You secretly hope she will stay together with you rather than finding her true love.
You call your husband of 29 years your ‘soul mate and best friend’. Do you really want to lose that? He seemed really willing to do whatever needed to put you at ease. Could you possibly be wrong in labeling this an emotional affair?
Best,
Social Distortion