I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby cntrygrl671 » Tue Mar 29, 2011 7:21 am

I think my husband is having an emotional affair. He thinks the very term "emotional affair" and concept of such is baloney.

Okay, I feel like a very old fashioned wife but I guess that's what I am. My husband and I have been married nearly 18 years. We are both disabled. He and I both joined Facebook individually a year and a half ago. This is my problem: I do not myself talk with guys! I feel like that's a big no-no in a marriage, to talk with someone of the opposite sex. My husband, though, rediscovered friendships from 30 years ago, 98% of them are all women. They are all married themselves. But, back in the day, he had all female friends, very few male. And most of these women, no problem. But one in particular, sends and receives texts and phone calls to and from my husband, constantly, and I just cannot stand it. I tried talking with my husband, who is completely puzzled by my reaction. And then he became very defensive. He would not like it if I were doing what he is doing. He went to a 30-yr class reunion, insisting that I was not welcome to come along. That hurt me very very deeply and he knew it and still went alone. I tried talking to the woman. She insists she is just a friend, that she and my husband just talk, he vents and talks and they help each other through problems and things. It got so it bothered me badly because my husband stopped letting me use his phone virtually overnight, keeps it on his person literally 24/7, and I grew even more distrustful.

I confronted the woman and said "look, I think he is developing a fixation on you" and she agreed to back off. He made it 3 days in to her not sending messages or phone calls and literally was in tears for 2 days after that and begged me to become friends with her and let him have his friendships. It killed me but I did just that. I just have a terrible feeling toward her, and I have tried to like her, but I just don't, and I don't like how he has been almost literally from the day he joined Facebook.

I have told her, and him, all of this, but it has changed absolutely nothing and I have been the one to be told to basically get over it. I feel stepped on and disrepected. This has been going on since October 2009 and I cannot let it go. Help, please, someone...
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You're not wrong!

Postby Scott Haltzman » Tue Mar 29, 2011 10:51 am

Hi Country Girl.
Unfortunately, what you are experiencing is very common, and your concerns are very real. It's true that your husband may not be having an affair (now) but he's developing close intimacy with this woman, and much of his mental energy that should be going toward you, and toward the marriage are going toward her.
See if he'd be willing to read my article, "your friends scare me"

http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=306

and see if it can help him realize how you feel. Unfortunately, it's rarely a good argument (in almost all realms of marriage) to say "how would you feel if..." In his case, he wouldn't mind if you would do it. BUt that's not the point, YOU mind...and you'd like him to pay attention to it.

You might want to drop the phrase, "emotional affair," but just focus on the actions, not the catch phrase.

Keep us posted.

Scott
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby fryguy1209 » Sat Dec 01, 2012 8:38 pm

So you think your husband is having an emotional affair with a female friend that he reconnected with on Facebook correct? There have been text messages, and Facebook messages if I understand correctly. You voiced your concerns about this to your husband and after he stopped talking to this person, and after only 3 days you gave into his insatiable crying and allowed him to resume contacting this person. And his reactions and behavior regarding the situation have made you frustrated and distrustful of your husband? Just because one is not physical, does not make it any less cheating. You can emotionally cheat and that is exactly what your husband is doing.

There is a theory called the mere-exposure effect. Dr. Misiurski says, "The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be." Dr. Haltzman says "a marriage can survive if a partner has been unfaithful, and it begins with trust. The person who had the affair must be entirely open and honest." He also said "if you've had an affair, if you're the person out there that is cheating, you need to be willing to answer all of your partners questions."

In this case, this is a friend who your husband has history with. He's interacted with her regularly now and there is a familiarity with them based on their friendship from years ago. Your husband has betrayed you and he is now entering the uncharted waters of an emotional affair. There is obviously an emotional connection with maybe even some sexual memories attached. Any connection with this woman must be ended immediately.

It seems that you have an unequal relationship when it comes to trust because you've opened yourself up to him completely and he's only partially opening himself up to you. Based on all the details you have provided, it seems to me that he should take responsibility for what he has done and respect your feelings in this situation and break off all contact with her, if he wants to stay with you. It's unfair for him to expect to still be with you and still be with her in a way. It's not fair to you to be with him in the physical sense but she gets to have him emotionally. Your husband needs to figure out what his priorities are, and what serves them best. Namely is it more important to communicate with you or her? By openly discussing his relationship without fighting and alienating one another, you and your husband could build trust and acknowledge that the things he is doing and have done are directly affecting your 19+ years of marriage.
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby howcanihelp » Mon Dec 03, 2012 5:57 pm

So your husband is talking with a female friend from his past about his personal problems that she helps him with? You feel as though you are being stepped on and disrespected? He ended contact with her for three days and cried about it for two days which made you feel as though he has more feelings towards her than just being friends. I understand what you are going through. In my past relationship my boyfriend had a female friend that he would confide to and he ended up having romantic feelings for her during our relationship. Before I knew how he felt I put so much of my time and effort trying to figure out what was really going on. You are not alone and you are not the person in the wrong.
I learned from Dr. Misiurski that the process of inferring the causes of people's behavior, including one's own is called attribution . Dr. Misiurski says ' the Fundamental Attribution Error is the tendency to blame the person and not focus on the situation." In my notes it also says that you tend to blame the person before knowing the whole story.
Perhaps your husband is not allowing you to see his messages with his female friend is because he feels as though you are not respecting his friendship and need to evaluate the situation. He may feel as though you are being too jealous over his friendship and views you being 'old fashion' in this case as being harsh towards a friendship that he has had for a few years.
I think that you should talk to him and his friend in the same room using a calm tone. Let them know that if something more than a friendship is happening then you need to know so everyone can move on with their life. And if it is just a simple friendship then you should try to be friends with her as well.
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby smac » Mon Dec 03, 2012 11:25 pm

You claim that your husband in his past has always had more female acquaintances rather than male acquaintances but had that changed once your marriage began 18 years ago? You also say that once your husband joined Facebook in October 2009 that he began to rehash those feelings with old female friends but one in particular is in his life consistently. . Also when your husband attended this 30 year class reunion alone was this other woman present at the event? You’ve already confronted both your husband and this other woman and both have not adhered to your concerns and instead your husband shed tears when you tried to force him to end this emotional affair.
In my psychology class we learned about memory and part of memory is automaticity which Dr. Misiurski says is the ability to do things without occupying the mind with the low level details required. It is usually the result of learning, repletion and practice. If something happens enough times in your daily routine it can become automatic, same goes for relationships, interactions and reactions to different situations.
Perhaps your husband can’t break his communication with this woman because it’s become automaticity. Could it be that your husband was close to this woman 30 years ago before your marriage occurred, and now that he’s rediscovered her that it came automatically to him to communicate with this woman about his daily occurrences. He is so used to having her in his life to talk to at any moment that he texts, calls, reaches out to this woman without even thinking of it.
However, you’re reaction to the situation and your husband’s emotional affair is entirely normal and he should not be perplexed by your reaction. I’m sure if you had someone else you confided in and shared intimate details of your life with your husband would not be pleased and certainly would not try and be his friend. And the fact that you even spoke to this other woman and it’s still continuing shows that she has no respect for your relationship. I've seen an emotional affair first hand and it can truly destroy lives, emotions, and trust. You should set your husband straight and tell him that if he does not end communication with this woman then your marriage won’t be able to thrive. I’m not saying leave him right away but it’s not fair to you to feel like you’re the outsider this is your marriage and your husband, you should be the top priority not this other woman. Maybe try and do more activities with your husband that will encourage an engaging conversation and make him realize how special you truly are to him.
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby RBoog5 » Tue Dec 04, 2012 10:48 am

My advice would be to once again tell the woman to back off of your husband, and to stop texting him. You cannot work on your relationship with your husband if this woman keeps interfering with your love life. A marriage is between two people not three. Next I would tell your husband to probably deactivate his face book, due to the fact that this is what caused the problem in the first place. I get that you’re married and people need their own personal space. But if your marriage is plummeting and you don’t want to see it get washed away, I advise you do all things necessary to keep the relationship a happy one.
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby Cupcake20 » Mon Nov 18, 2013 5:48 pm

Hi cntrygrl671, so if I understand correctly you and your husband have recently joined Facebook with individual accounts. Your husband had rediscovered friendships from 30 years ago that are about 98% all from women. One woman in particular sends, receives texts, and receives phone calls from your husband, is that correct? You even tried talking to your husband about the situation and he became very defensive. I understand that you even tried talking to this woman and she insist that she and your husband are just friends and help each other through their problems. Your husband even begged you to become friends with her and let him have his friendship, and u dud just that, correct?

In a psychology class I am taking I learned about something called the mere-exposure effect. The Mere-exposure effect is “a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likeable that person appears to be.” According to Dr. Haltzman, he says that “its okay to have friends with the opposite sex, as long as they are friends of the marriage.”

In your case, this is a friend that your husband has some kind of history with. He's kept in contact with her on a regular basis now having an emotional connection. The mere-exposure effect would predict that this woman might become more attractive with more communication between the two of them. By allowing your husband to keep in contact with her as much as he does his affection for will continue to grow. Dr. Haltzmen would suggest that your husband cuts off all communication with this women, unless she is a friend of the marriage, meaning a friend of your and a friend of his. Other wise there should be no more contact.

It seems that you have an unequal relationship when it comes to trust because you've opened yourself up to him completely and he's only partially opening himself up to you. He should take responsibility for what he has done and respect your feelings in this situation and break off all contact with her. It's not fair to you to be with him in the physical sense but she gets to have him emotionally.
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby psycstudent24 » Tue Nov 19, 2013 5:18 pm

Hello cntrygrl671. So what I get from what you’re saying is that you and your husband got different face book accounts and he has been reconnecting with and they have been girls because he has had more female friends than male. He has been receiving and sending out text messages to this one particular female and it got to the point where he keeps his phone to his side 24/7 if that’s correct. You have confronted him about it and he becomes defensive every time you do. You have even got to the point where you told her you think he is infatuated with her and she has agreed to back off but when his high school reunion came around he told you that you were not welcomed to come and you were hurt by it. He even got to the point where he begged for you to let him be friends with her.
In my psychology class we learned about mere-exposure effect. Mere- exposure is psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things because they are familiar with them. Dr. Haltzmen said that “There are many ways that you can be in tune with your guy, and make it a positive experience for you, too.”
Your husband clearly has a past with this female wither it was a friendship or more. He is looking into something that was/is familiar with him even if it was in the past. Just because he is talking to this female and he gets defensive when you talk to him about it maybe you should think of something in a positive way for you to be okay with this.
Even though you are not very fond of this female you need to trust your husband. You need to open up to him and tell him how you truly feel about this situation. He needs to understand where you are coming from and why you feel the way you feel. Put him in your shoes and make him realize that even though you trust him he needs to take complete responsibility for his actions. Try and get him out of the house more and look for things to do that do not involve his phone being around him and maybe if things go well you can try and spark a friendship with her.
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Re: I think my Husband is having an affair Facebook

Postby PsychStudent_95 » Tue Nov 19, 2013 6:20 pm

Hi, so you think your husband is having an affair with a friendship with the opposite sex that he has reconnected with on Facebook? There have been messages on Facebook and text messages and phone calls? Also your husband wont let you see his phone? Am I correct? You have told your husband how this problem has made you feel and you gave in and let him contact this friend because he was upset and crying. The things your husband has done has bothered you emotionally and have made you feel over whelmed and terrible and that there isn’t anything you can do? Am I correct?

My psychology professor says this is called the mere exposure effect. “The mere exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them.” So with that said that pretty much means that the more one interacts or see that person more one can become attached and more likable the person will become to them. Dr. Scott says that “its ok to have friends of the opposite sex as long as they are friends of the marriage.” So in your case it is actually wrong for your husband to be contacting this friend because she is not a friend of the marriage. It needs to stop now.


However trust in relationship/ marriages is one of the most important things. Once that’s gone it’s hard to trust the person you love again. You’re reaction to this situation is normal. Any wife would act like this and be upset. Your husband needs to realize that contacting this other women is wrong and it needs to stop immediately. Especially if he knows it bothers you and he doesn’t care.

If you truly wish to stop your husband from this you need to talk to him again. Don’t yell, just tell him if he was in your shoes do you think he would be okay with it? Because I’m sure we wouldn’t. Also tell him if they don’t stop contacting each other that your marriage isn’t going to work. Tell him it won’t work out if he keeps in contact with her. You’re his wife. She isn’t. If he doesn’t listen to you or isn’t willing to stop contacting this other women then there is a slit chance it isn’t worth it. You being upset all the time over this problem isn’t worth it. And tell him that if a friendship is more important than you that maybe he needs to really think about what he wants so you can actually be happy and move on with your life.
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