by Persistency » Wed Dec 11, 2013 8:34 am
Hello Notsure,
So you and your husband had been married for 9 years, and have a 2 years old daughter. Your relationship with your husband had been effortless, and you felt that life was really good. Although, you discover, on your own, that your husband has a way too intimate relationship with one of his co-worker, which name is Kate. Because you felt suspicious about their friendship you snoop on your husband's phone and found a flirty text message from Kate saying "oh, i dressed cute for you today." Also, you found out that he erases random texts from/to her. You confronted him about it, and he had admitted that they sometimes go out for lunch, but nothing much happen between them. He said that even thou she sometimes flirt with him, they are just good friends. You showed him how distress does this friendship makes you feel, but he still refuse to let his friendship with Kate go away. He feels that it is ridiculous for you to react over this situation. Since then, you and your husband have been arguing about it, and even discussed about divorce. This whole situation have made you ask yourself question like if is it ok for him to behave in such a way? If are you being way too over protective? Should you drop this whole thing? How can you change this situation? Obviously, something is wrong with this whole situation, and some action must be taken.
In my social psychology class, we talked about the mere exposure effect. the mere exposure effect is the tendency for novel to be liked more or rated more positively after the rater has been repeatedly exposed to them. Exposure without awareness leads to liking." I also learned in my social psychology class about self-disclosure, secure attachment, equity, and voice concern. Dr. Haltzman says that, "It is ok to have friends of the opposite sex as long as they are friends of the marriage."
In your case, your husband and Kate have been interacting with each other regularly by working together, txt message, and going out for lunch countless times. The mere exposure effect would predict that they will find each other more likeable if they continue to interact with each other on daily basis. If they continue texting and going out for lunch, they are increasing the likelihood of their affection for each other to keep growing. As a consequence, this situation can lead to an affair. Dr. Haltzman would suggest your husband to cut off contact with Kate unless if she is a friend of your marriage, which means a friend of you and your husband. You said that "to me she isn't interested in a friendship with me..she's content with my husband." Clearly, she is only interested in her relation with your husband and not so worried about the well-being of your marriage; therefore, this friendship shouldn't be allowed to continue.
To change your situation to a better one, you need to take two crucial steps. First step, you should try to be your partner's ally instead of adversary. You mention that you had not been a very sexual person for a few years, and you wanted to change that. That is a huge step to boost up the intimacy between you and your husband. Also you should try to communicate more often with your husband about positive topics which you both can laugh and feel good between one another. Another important thing to increase your intimacy with your husband, is to be more present in his life by frequently ask him to go out to do something that you both enjoy. By taking this first step, you will make the mere exposure effect works for your benefit. The more time that you spend with your husband the less he would be able to spend with Kate. And, the more enjoyable is the time spend between you two, the more he would want to spend his time with you. The second step, is to slowly convince your husband that his friendship is unhealthy for your marriage. Dr. Haltzman says that "When disagreements arise, there are ways of making it work to your advantage. First, let your husband know, in detail, what you need. “I’d like you to pick up the children after lessons,” is a lot more effective than saying, “I feel like I’m running around town like a chicken with my head cut off!” Next, use your great communication skills to helping to solve problems. You do this by asking questions, reflecting back on what you hear, and seeking to establish an ally, not an adversary. When women keep criticism to a minimum, men get less defensive, and it’s easier to be heard. “Dr. Haltzman believe that if you fight fair, the conflict will have a positive impact in your marriage. In case of an intense discussion, showing some love and kind words can help heal the breach. In your case you have enough evidence to show that your husband friendship with Kate is not acceptable for your marriage.