IS LOOKING AT OTHERS CHEATING????

[REDNECKDIVA]

Hey guys need some opinions here!!!!!! I am 32 been married for 8yrs, we had a rough start due to my past relationship. I was beaten & cheated on. I have had a hard time with my insecurities, trusting him & believing I was worth loving.
We have been doing very well for the past 3-4 years. Of course we had bumps in the road due to jealousy on my end.

Anyways, here is the scenario:
we had friends over we were all sittin round watchin a movie & havin a couple beers.
My husband works with this young lady that they know.
Well the guys got to talkin about this lady my husband works with. My husband was goin on about her,, being a b**** and says she nags & complains about everything. And says "the only good benefit to working with her is because she has a nice ass."
now I like her but she is a slut. And honestly I would not trust her if she was alone with my husband. Because we had a party last summer & I am just standin there talkin to some guy friends she walks up pushes me against the car & starts kissin me. Well my husband informs me a few days later he doesn't know if he can work with her anymore. He says when he went to work that, he couldn't look or talk to her cuz it made him hard.
She is going thru a divorce right now, she has cheated on her husband before &is cheating on him now with a good friend of ours who works with them as well!!!! And I have also witnessed her flirting with my husband. Plus I have seen the way she acts in the bar, she hangs all over other men & makes out with them etc.

I ain't as jealous as I used to be but when it comes to her I admit I am cuz of things that have happend & things he has said like the "hard" thing. And just things I know about her.

I am really hurt & embarrassed actually humiliated!!!
When I tried to call him out on it in front of them he gets all sh*tty actin!!!!! Tells me to shut the f*** up!!!!

Actually my husband doesn't or hasn't spoken to me in this manner before. I don't know where it came from.
I have given him the silent treatment since this happened.
He called today & ask me what was wrong & I told him. "things you said saturday" of course he had no idea what it could be!!!! But tells me I shouldn't be mad, starts gettin crappy
he says it is my problem. Well, I just responded, no it is your problem so think about it & hung up the phone on him!!
I know he looks & I sometimes I point out a hot chicks to him & I make comments & sometimes he agrees.

Guys please gimme some opinions here am I wrong to be hurt & mad?? Is this my problem???
And tell why is it married men feel the need to look?
I personally believe if you are truly happy & fully commited to your spouse, you shouldn't have the need to look.
Am I wrong on this??

[Lonely Canuck]

Redneckdiva

Welcome to the boards. I hope that you find it helpful.

In my opinion, this other woman is bad news all around - but that is her problem, not yours or your husbands. If you have no indication that he is having an affair on you, then do not suppose that he is. Sure, he could perhaps be more assertive, and say to her "Please do not be so flirty with me - I am a married man and want to stay that way" but beyond that you do not seem to have evidence that there is more.

Also, if you have past insecurities, why do you point out other "hot chicks" for him to look at?

But to the point of your question, everybody is a sexual being, and it is OK, in my opinion, to appreciate beauty. The problem only arises when actions on that are made.

[kit]

ive been cheated on b4 and it hurts like hell. there is nothing wrong with looking but i dont think ur husband needs to be verbal about it in front of u. it shows disrespect.
looking at and admiring the opposite sex doesnt mean your being unfaithful in anyway. maybe u should give it a go, instead of looking at women u think ur husband might like, how about looking at men u like. u might actually discover why people look at others.

silent treatment is not a good idea, it achieves nothing. maybe ur husband isnt ready to listen to what is bothering u. instead why dont u do ur own thing for a few days until he is ready. men dont like to be pressured in anyway to do anything, it will only push him away and make him angry if u continue.

do what makes u feel good dont rely on anyone else to make u happy. good luck

Hey guys need some opinions here!!!!!! I am 32 been married for 8yrs, we had a rough start due to my past relationship. I was beaten & cheated on. I have had a hard time with my insecurities, trusting him & believing I was worth loving.
We have been doing very well for the past 3-4 years. Of course we had bumps in the road due to jealousy on my end.

Anyways, here is the scenario:
we had friends over we were all sittin round watchin a movie & havin a couple beers.
My husband works with this young lady that they know.
Well the guys got to talkin about this lady my husband works with. My husband was goin on about her,, being a b**** and says she nags & complains about everything. And says "the only good benefit to working with her is because she has a nice ass."
now I like her but she is a slut. And honestly I would not trust her if she was alone with my husband. Because we had a party last summer & I am just standin there talkin to some guy friends she walks up pushes me against the car & starts kissin me. Well my husband informs me a few days later he doesn't know if he can work with her anymore. He says when he went to work that, he couldn't look or talk to her cuz it made him hard.
She is going thru a divorce right now, she has cheated on her husband before &is cheating on him now with a good friend of ours who works with them as well!!!! And I have also witnessed her flirting with my husband. Plus I have seen the way she acts in the bar, she hangs all over other men & makes out with them etc.

I ain't as jealous as I used to be but when it comes to her I admit I am cuz of things that have happend & things he has said like the "hard" thing. And just things I know about her.

I am really hurt & embarrassed actually humiliated!!!
When I tried to call him out on it in front of them he gets all sh*tty actin!!!!! Tells me to shut the f*** up!!!!

Actually my husband doesn't or hasn't spoken to me in this manner before. I don't know where it came from.
I have given him the silent treatment since this happened.
He called today & ask me what was wrong & I told him. "things you said saturday" of course he had no idea what it could be!!!! But tells me I shouldn't be mad, starts gettin crappy
he says it is my problem. Well, I just responded, no it is your problem so think about it & hung up the phone on him!!
I know he looks & I sometimes I point out a hot chicks to him & I make comments & sometimes he agrees.

Guys please gimme some opinions here am I wrong to be hurt & mad?? Is this my problem???
And tell why is it married men feel the need to look?
I personally believe if you are truly happy & fully commited to your spouse, you shouldn't have the need to look.
Am I wrong on this??

[hotwired]

Hi
I'm sorry for what you're going through. Here are some thoughts for you.

1. as far as "looking" I think it's in our nature. I consider myself a GREAT husband and my opinion is to always make your wife feel like the most beautiful woman in your world. She knows men look but I am VERY careful and NEVER verbal or obvious. If I'm caught? I do what any good man would do and deny it till I'm blue in the face. (This is another strange way men tell women they love them by the way) - I NEVER talk about the "virtues" of any other woman. I ONLY talk about my WIFE"S ass, never anyone else's.

2. Telling your wife to shut the f up is damaging to the relationship. Period. He f***ed up. You know you'll remember that for 10 more years and deep inside he knows it. He knows he screwed up, he just still thinks he can convince YOU he didn't that's all. Let him do what he needs to do around that but let him know that kind of behavior is a "deal breaker" if it IS a deal breaker for you.

[aephyx]

Well lot of good advice here. The only thing I'd like to throw in is that your husband probably responded the way he did because he took it as an accusation. Even if you talk to him about your past and insecurities guys usually don't make the connection right away.

The one thing I wish for all couples is not men to act like mushy women and women to try to act like men. But to understand fundamental differences in the way we view things. Only after reading Scott's book could I begin to understand how my wife might take things. Not that I am horrible dispicable man but that I just didn't see things the way she did.