Forgiveness....

[Floridalady]

My husband and I have been married for three years. We are in our mid-20's. I entered into this marriage with trust issues (past relationships,father issues). It was always an issue that caused me to snoop etc. We spoke, and I was assured by husband that I had no reason not to trust him and that I needed to let go of my fears. Fast forward six months, and I had made progress to the point that I was almost 100% trusting him. Last week for whatever reason (divine intervention?), I looked into his phone (he knew that I knew the PW to get in). I found a text where he was breaking a friendship off with a friend (who was a co-worker). The first text (dated Feb) was basically saying that they couldn’t be friends because it is “a fine line between friendship and more” , she argued it but he stood pretty firm (she's def one of those kinda women). A few weeks after that there is a text where she texted him about her bad day at work and he says whatever about it and the conversation ends with him saying "nice talking to you...", fast forward to two weeks ago she sends a picture of herself and he says very nice and they chat about her b-day.
Of course I immediately bring the phone to him and ask for an explanation of the texts.
During our discussion of the texts He is extremely open and tells me they were work friends. She had invited him to lunch one day and he went and started from there (lunch took place about 5 times, in addition to texting throughout the friendship). He said he basically cut it off with her via text because a few months before the actual text took place he distanced himself from her, because he knew the friendship was wrong and wanted it to stop. She texted and asked why he was so cold and that's how the "cant be friends" text started. He said any text that took place after the Feb “cant be friends” text were basically just trying to keep it cordial (eg work.whatever). Over the last 7 days, he has been very open to discussion and will explain every last detail. He is firm in telling me it wasn’t an emotional affair and he never turned to her for anything. It was just a friendship that he knew from the get go shouldn’t have been.
The lies are what get me. He has been firm that nothing was worth lying for and he deeply regrets lying. I do believe that he is truly sorry. I feel like the only way I can move on is by accepting what happened and looking towards forgiveness, yet I’m finding it difficult to put any sort of sense behind it. Part of me wants to contact her, but he said he will contact her (visible to me) and let her know to please leave him be. I feel resolution even after typing this, but the question of why he lied and befriended her, even after his answers, still hurts me.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Florida Lady,

Thanks for re-posting.

I was moved by your post for a number of reasons. One, because it highlights the concept of "slippery slope" of infidelity. Most people don't have affairs because they intend to; they "slip into" it though a series of increasingly less innocent interactions.

The other reason I wanted to respond was because of your own wish to forgive.

I suppose if I were in your shoes, this is how I would look at it:

1. Yes, he had interactions that you weren't aware of. At first, it didn't seem like something he SHOULD tell you about (a partner doesn't automatically tell another about every interaction with a person of the opposite sex)

2. Once he began to realize that the interactions were not so innocent, he then felt he COULDN'T tell you, because you'd react (understandably) with anger and perhaps fear. Your hubby isn't alone in this dynamic--there's ne evidence here that he is an evil man.

3. Once he saw it start to move in the wrong direction he took the steps to break it off. No, he didn't involve you (few marriages are strong enough to know how to share in these actions).

4. Once you "caught" him, he (apparently) was honest with you. That IS unusual, and is cause for some kudos on his part. You also deserve kudos for being able to approach him, rather than "tear him a new one", and get answers to your questions.

So, all in all, this was an aborted possible affair-in-the-making. In an ideal world, it never would have happened, but he did his level best to set things right.

The forgiveness is a gift you give him, and you give it only when you feel ready.

The lies you can't get over...well, who knows? Ever hear the expression "what she doesn't know won't hurt her"? In that statement lies a truth, that many people believe they lie because they don't want their significant others to be hurt. Of course, they also lie to protect themselves.

Ultimately, in this case, his most likely defense would be "She wouldn't understand." If you fail to forgive, withdraw your love, or punish him then you end up reinforcing his beliefs. Something to think about.

It sounds like this event may be a great opportunity for each of you to grow closer to each other.

Scott


NB The comments made by Scott Haltzman reflect those of an individual who participates in this forum, and are not to be construed as recommendations and do not reflect any kind of therapy or treatment.

[Floridalady]

Thank you for your response Scott. I would like to ask you something about your number three point. He did take steps to break it off with her and even verbalized that to her in February. They still exchanged text here and there in march, april and 2 weeks ago. As I mentioned before they weren't "bad", but 1. He was still in contact and 2. He did say "nice talking to you" and other "friendly" (he says cordial) things. Can ask if I should feel like he wasn't cutting it off because of those texts/exchanges? One of the exchanges took place via txt in april at 10pm-ish, so we were home together, and that fact certainly stings. He keeps assuring me that any text that took place after was just friendly ( and he admits stupid still). I wonder if I'm looking to see if he had more vested because of it dragging on, but then again, its hard for me to understand a lot of the situation anyway. Any advice on this? And advice on how to stop analyzing all interactions between him and her I can think of? I feel like I'm obsessing over details that maybe I just shouldn't? (The texting?)
I wanted to add, he gave me all passwords, locks etc. He said he wants to do all he can to rebuild my trust, and that really means a lot. I still feel hurt and scared, but he has really shown remorse and love, and from what I have read, that's so rare. I guess when you give your all in a marriage its so scary to see , even as innocent as it can be, how easy heartbreaks and mistakes can happen.

[Scott Haltzman]

One of the things that I find about affairs and near-affairs, is that people don't know the rules (e.g. break off all contact/ share with spouse, etc) and they also are very concerned about hurting feelings of person they are having inappropriate relationship with. It's very common, and doesn't automatically mean anything more than what it is at the face. We have very few models in "real life" of how to extricate yourself from a relationship, especially when the other person [i.e. the woman your husband befriended] didn't do anything "wrong". In cases like this, I often find that people in your husband's position are simply trying to be stand-up guys.
I think (based on what you said) that he now knows that you're the one he has to stand up for! Now that this has happened, you're both a lot clearer on the rules.
Until my book on infidelity comes out, read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. It should help in the rebuilding process.
Scott

[Floridalady]

Scott,
I looked up the book to get an idea of what it was about. Would you say this was an "affair"? Does it matter for my healing if me and the husband both need to assign a title to it? Like I mentioned before he swears to me it was only a friendship ( a wrong one). Should I leave it at that, a "friendship, that was wrong because I was not involved"? Like I explained to him before, 8 months of friendship is such a long time to conceal, I almost expect to hear him say it was more. It is honestly hard to see it as just a friendship, but I am only on the outside looking in. Throwing accusations is no way to heal either of us.

[Scott Haltzman]

I didn't recommend this book because I call what you had an affair. I don't think things always have to have titles, either.

I recommend this book because it has a nice way of helping couples establish boundaries. You can ignore the "affair" part, but not the parts about how intimacy needs to be only shared with a spouse.

Read it, and then tell me if it helps. Or, you could read my article:
http://www.hitchedmag.com/article.php?id=306
maybe that will help.


Scott

[Floridalady]

I'm wondering in addition to the situation, is it always a bad idea to contact the other person? I feel like I would like to email/call her just to hear her side. Is that a bad idea?

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Florida Lady,
You ask good questions, but I can't say what the "right" thing to do is. At this point if you and your husband feel you have laid all the cards out on the table, I suggest that you two talk to each other about whether you should contact her. What is the best possible outcome, what is the worse possible outcome? How would you feel if you do it and it doesn't go how you'd like? How will your husband feel if you do it when he doesn't want you to?
-Scott

[elizacol]

Having been there, done that, I think the advice I can give you is that your husband 'did the right thing'. Or at least he tried and is trying to do the right thing. Many husbands in this situation would not do so.

From what I've read from your posts, I don't think I would classify this as an emotional affair. Was it heading in that direction? From the sounds of it, yes!

Your wonderful husband sensed that and immediately tried to put a stop to it. That speaks volumes. Like Dr. Haltzman states...getting out of a relationship, even a friendship, is not easy. Sounds like your husband tried. As well, he is now being open and honest with you and is apparently willing to communicate with you. These are all GOOD signs! You may not think it, but trust me, they are!

I would use those efforts by your husband...all of those efforts....as tools to help you with your forgiveness. In fact, have you thanked him for his honesty? For his willingness to be open with you? For his truly trying to cut off this friendship before it went too far? Sounds silly to thank him, but honestly, it IS something to thank him for.

No human being is perfect. We all make mistakes. Is one mistake necessarily bigger than another? Perhaps. Or, perhaps not...

[Floridalady]

Elizacol-It's hard at times to keep in mind that he "did the right thing". I'm struggling with the fact that the concealing carried on for so long. He tried to cut it off, but for a few months after he told her he needed distance, they still texted, so was it actually "cut off"?. I think back to all the times I confronted him about this friendship that I suspected and he just simply lied to my face and convinced me to believe him that he had nothing other than a working relationship with this girl (this happen on many occasion). I know it's great that NOW he is being honest but it's still very hard to know that I had to find out on my own investigation and not by his coming to me. I think more than the actual friendship, it was the continued lies and hiding things and lying straight to my face. It's hard to think that if a person can carry on like that, what else they may be possible of. I know that is probably the wrong state of mind, but its where I'm at right now. I'm just hurt. I want it to go away.I don't want to think that I'm in a marriage with someone who would lie to me or deceive me.