From MATTHEWK

[admin]

This post is reposted from the "I have a question for men" post in the "How to please your wife" section. I thought it made more sense here.--admin

Scott, I just finished the Kindle version of your book. Very insightful. I have to say that I was already doing most of what you suggest, not that I disagree that these are effective tools.

I just had a nice long reply to the infidelity post get vaporized into cyberspace (my server timed while I was writing and when I tried to preview it was gone). I'd like to contribute my experiences over 25 years of marriage as maybe a way to help younger men avoid the mistakes I've made.

In a nutshell (if that's possible), I fell in love with my best friend nearly 3 decades ago and naturally had a blissful first few years with the equisite blend of physical, spiritual and experiential. From that point though, intimacy declined, I should say the gap in our interest began to widen. Late in the game we had children. That pretty much destroyed the intimacy as her needs were met by our children.

Foolishly I let myself fall into a cyber affair. It was so insideous and I was such a fool not to see it happening. I was INCREDIBLY niave, and underestimated the power of desire to completely blind objectivity. Even though it was all but once in the cyber realm, once discovered it was devistating to my relationship. We had therapy and worked together to deal with it. But 5 years later, with incompatibilities unresolved, my longing and the lack of intimacy, (4x per year) led me into the arms of another cyber fling. I though I could control this, it was much shorter and purely in the cyber realm. One day I woke up in a sweat realizing, "Oh my God, I've done it AGAIN!!" I immediately cut it off and prayed that it would go away and my wife would not discover my stupidity. However, a couple months later, her hubby discovered our old texts and moved in for the kill, essentially destroying me at work, home, and with family. This time my wife did not forgive. It was the lying that was the most destructive for her. The trust was gone. In her eyes, there was no going back.

Five years later and in continuing therapy, I'm still in the home but the intimacy is completely gone. I'm here for the kids, the $ and to provide domestically.

I say very bluntly, if any man decides to go the route of an affair, you might just as well end your marriage. I'm sure there are some wives that would be willing to work with a TRULY reformed husband to reconcile the marriage. But unless there are two working HARD at it and the underlying issues are addressed, it is a recipe for more pain and heartache.

Don't make the naive mistake I made. Work out your desires WITH your wife or if you can't, please just part as friends. A marriage simply can not function with out TRUST and HONESTY. Lying and affairs are CANCER to a marriage (don't do it to your poor children either).

Ok, I'll get off my soap box. I hope I can help some body with my experience. Thanks again Scott for the passion you have for your work. I think your spot on!

Matthewk

[Scott Haltzman]

MK, I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way what a smarter you could have realized in a New York second, that going down the path of any kind of relationship with another woman will lead you somewhere you don't want to go.

And now, here you are.

I think Thunderhorse's recommendations of physical touch, given what we now know, may not be the best idea right now.

You have to rebuild trust, and it sounds like your wife has all but closed the door. So I guess once you do follow the precepts of my book, you do have the right to ask (as I address in "Introduce Yourself" chapter) what your wife must see/know in order for that trust to be rebuilt. She needs to know that you have emotional and sexual needs. What, if anything, is she willing to consent to, "for now." For example, she may say, "You can't touch my body, but if you want to hold my hand, that would be OK." Then, you and she could revisit it a few weeks later, and choose something of a higher level, e.g. "you can touch my shoulder." Progressing that way would give her control, but would also allow both of you to define progress.

The reality is that if she chooses to stay in the marriage, she needs to be married. That includes being able to share intimacy with a partner.

NB The comments made by Scott Haltzman reflect those of an individual who participates in this forum, and are not to be construed as recommendations and do not reflect any kind of therapy or treatment.

[ThunderHorse]

Thanks for the additional insights. Recovering from hurting your wife could be category of endeavors in marrige.

[matthewk]

Thanks for the insight Scott and I do appreciate Thunderhorses best intentions but I agree that she's not in that space.

The challenge then is for me to contain my needs; sublimate, transmute, whatever...boy that is a tough road to hoe. Like a long, barren desert. If I can manage to control myself and walk that path then the final part is her choice, so it seems.

Ok I get it. Seems like I need to strengthen my resolve and that will take focus and effort (here I go, like a man to his work!) but the pay off will be huge. I've understood the logic of relationships all along, but I've just made bad choices based on my emotion and needs. That's been my problem.

Again, thanks for your advice and yes, I am working with concepts in the book (also reading John Gottman's Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).

Matthewk