found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

Postby melobear » Sat Jun 11, 2011 5:02 pm

I recently saw a video in spouse phone of him having sex with a woman. I confronted him about it and asked when did it happen. He stated during a time I told him I no longer wanted to be married to him and I kicked him out of our home which was more than a year ago. He stated he thought our marriage was over and he was so angry. So he contacted an old female friend, they drank at a bar and in the end she returned to hotel where he said he stayed. He stated he knew what he did was wrong n apologized. He said he never thought I would find out n he didn't want to tell me because we got back together three or four days after I put him out.
I struggle with fact he recorded it on cell phone and kept it. Further, he had unprotected sex. I feel so betrayed and don't know if I could forgive him. Am I wrong? Is that cheating for I feel it is since we were legally married. I don't know what to do since I don't trust him for he has done other things in our ten years of marriage that chipped at trust. Wondering if I should end marriage? We own a home and have three young childre (teen, 6yr and 8 year) old.

June 15 (update)- I am in such emotional turmoil. I can't sleep at night due to thoughts of spouse being with another person. I am also so angry because he told me that it is so difficult for him to talk about because he just wanted to forget it never happened. However, I then asked when was the last time he spoke to her and I asked him to be honest. He stated he calls about one time per month to see how she's doing, for her mother had passed away. The only way he knew that was he had to keep in touch after being intimate with her. I have been crying so hard from my soul because I feel he has no remorse or regret because if he did he would not have remained in contact with her if he wanted to forget for every time he speaks to her he has to remember. The idea that he kept in touch is hurting me more than the act of cheating he claimed happened two years ago. Is this crazy for me to think? I also asked him to call the woman in front of me and tell her that I know and they are no longer to be in contact, which he did. But I still do not feel any better. I have never experienced such a deep pain caused from betrayal. In fact every time his phone wrongs or he gets a text message my heart races ad I feel sick to my stomach.
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Not easy...

Postby Scott Haltzman » Wed Jun 15, 2011 6:45 pm

Hi Melo,

I think you posted your story on another thread, also, right? The thing here is that when people have relationships outside of marriage, it's not usually just one screw up, but a series of them, and they often continue even after the affair.

Try to keep in mind that, and I know this sounds like an excuse, people don't know how to end affairs. They begin to think about the feelings of the other person (which may seem odd, but i totally get why they would) and don't want to hurt them, and also don't want to rude.

What your husband thought or felt, I don't know. And there may be a lot to damn him for. But in these cases I usually tell the injured party (you!) not to assume the worse when their mate has not been able to let go of the other person, it is painful, but that act may simply be ignorance, not maliciousness, on his part. Moving away from her is something that you can help him do.

NB Comments by Scott Haltzman are meant to foster discussion, and don't represent advice or therapy.
Scott Haltzman
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my two cents

Postby matthewk » Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:37 pm


I feel your pain. There's no way not to feel torn apart by this. Let me offer you my experience as perhaps a way to help shed some light on the male perspective.

I cheated on my wife more than a decade ago. I was incredibly niave and we both let our relationship drift into dangerous waters. We'd been together many years, then brought a child into our family and to make a long story short, I was unseated emotionally and intimately by my beloved baby. My very male reaction was to yearn desparately for my lost intimacy and I found it online, which consumated in a weekend with another woman. Again, I was incredibly foolish/ignorant as to the devistation it would cause my marriage. I still did and do very much love my wife.

Stupidly, after it happened I wrote a detailed account of the weekend on my cell phone which my wife discovered a month later. Very similar to your experience. I've wished to have that time back to do over again so many times, for I lost my wife's trust (really forever) and my own sense of integrity.

The question remains for us -- for you two -- when do you go from here? Do you have the elements of love and friendship that are worth working on to salvage your marriage? Are there other compelling reasons to stay together (children, a stable home). From my experience, we made it work for our children and our stable home. I'm not going to sugar coat this: our marriage has a gaping hole in it to this day where once stood TRUST, HONESTY and INTIMACY. On top of that there are the issues that lead us to that point -- the children are still number 1 for her and now this is MY PROBLEM not hers.

I certainly take the blame for my decision to stray and can only accept what forgiveness she has given me (I'm still in the house) but some of pain seems to be irreparable. That is my lasting consequence. I was very sorry and remorseful, I'm not sure your husband is or maybe he's still processing it. I immediately let go of the other women, that HAS to happen to have any hope for healing. I want you to know that if your husband loves you, even if he isn't feeling it now, he is in for a lifetime of remorse and pain for his mistake. I can vouch for that!

I'm not sure if you're able to gleen anything from this. Never take your love for granted I guess and by that same token, LOVE can heal if two are willing. In my case it seems to be 1 1/2 which puts in the aforementioned limbo. So it goes...

I sincerely wish you well!

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Postby socialdistortion » Thu Jun 16, 2011 7:39 pm

Dear Melobear,

I can’t imagine what you are going through. While the imagined mental images of your spouse with someone else would be painful, actually seeing this act on video must be awful. People often save items that are that have no value to anyone else because they elicit pleasurable feelings. He saved this. It is odd that he would have taped this in the first place and even more disturbing that he would taken such a huge risk by saving it on his cell phone knowing you could find it. He is very lucky that you did not forward it to everyone in his address book or post it on Youtube.

Haltzman says it is a myth that cheaters do not want to get caught. He says, "People may actually set it up so the spouse or partner find out. Whether it's lipstick on the collar or emails left open on the family computer, we leave our fingerprints everywhere. Oftentimes, "it's a cry to say 'I need to get help.' Some people make it obvious because they want to stop but don't know how." Haltzman’s statement along with your claim that “he has done other things in our ten years of marriage that chipped at trust” would support the concern that perhaps this is not the first time. He really needs to cut off all contact with this woman forever and answer any questions you might have about the affair. It sounds like this has emotionally traumatized you and the emotional pain will not dissipate quickly.

Keep us posted,

Social Distortion
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Re: found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

Postby sdjames » Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:32 am

Hello melobear,
From reading your post I understand that your spouse cheated on you about 2 years ago and you just recently found out about it. You only found out by going through his phone and coming across a video he recorded of the incident. He apologized for it and came clean about it. He still keeps in contact with this individual from time to time and you are hesitant to what that actually means.
Dr. Haltzman stated, "People don't know how to end affairs. They begin to think about the feelings of the other person and don't want to hurt them". It is a hard concept to understand but unfortunately it’s a true concept.
My Psychology Professor once said that attachment is very strong and does not simply go away by saying "goodbye". In the words of Dr. Haltzman "Emotions both physical and mental are still going to be there, when dealing with the aftermath of an affair, honesty is crucial. The partner who has been cheated on has to ask questions if he or she wants answers. Part of the process of asking for what you need is to figure out what you are ready to hear".
What I mean by putting up that quote is, when you want to know everything that happened and ask him to be completely honest with you, be ready for what he tells you because it isn't going to be anything you want to here. You will be hurt and upset but that is apart of the healing process. He felt something for that woman but he obviously feels something bigger and stronger for you because he came home. Keep that in the back of your mind, he came home. That right there tells me he wants to start the process of moving on and becoming stronger.
I completely understand how you are feeling. My ex-fiancée cheated on me 2 years ago and I only found out about 3 months ago during an argument. He too said that we weren't together cause I kicked him out. It does hurt. It’s like having everything taken from you. Your feelings of betrayal and anger are normal. You stated that your crying down to your soul...I’ve been there. Its almost like your soul is liquid and its falling through a drain, you can't catch every drop. But what you can catch you can add to it.
What I can tell you from experience is to take it slow if you are willing to work it out. Ask as many questions as you need to and be completely honest on how you feel. Communication at this point is very important. And remember that this isn't going to be fixed over night. Here I am 3 months later and I'm still hurt but its a little less hurt each day. Be aware of your feelings. Asking too much all at once isn't the way. Too much can cause more problems then its solving. Don't get overwhelmed. Comforting him about what he did was a good move on your part. Its ok to not fully trust him, trust is built over time.
Even though my ex and I never got married, I did give him a second chance. He too has messed up in the past so my trust for him was and still is at the bottom of the barrel. I took some time off from the relationship. We didn’t breakup for good we just took a break to get our thoughts together and figure out what to do from there. Time apart might be a good thing here. The worse thing you can do is rush the marriage back together. I really hope everything works out for you.
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Re: found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

Postby PsychStudent18 » Sat Nov 30, 2013 9:58 pm

From my understanding, you found a video on your husband’s cell phone of your husband having sex with another women. You confronted him about it, and he admitted it and said that he had thought your marriage was over anyways. He went out had a couple drinks and bumped into this woman, one thing led to another and she ended up in his hotel room. He didn't want to tell you because he thought your marriage was over anyways. He apologized for this when you confronted him and said that he knew It was wrong. You are having a hard time dealing with the fact that he recorded this on his cell phone and saved it. He also had unprotected sex which doesn’t help the situation either. You are having a hard time sleeping at night and can’t forget about what he had done to you. You recently asked him to be honest and tell you when the last time he had talked to this other woman and he replied saying he calls her once a month to see how she is doing. He wanted to make sure she was ok because her mother had passed away. You asked him to call her and tell her that you know what happened and they cannot speak anymore which he did. You are still having a hard time dealing with all this heartache.
In my psychology class we talked about the “Detachment Process”. This is when there are alternatives to exiting a relationship. Such as, waiting for conditions to improve on their own, ignore the partner and allow the relationship to deteriorate. This sounds like what your husband was going through at the beginning of your story when you said he thought the marriage was over anyways. Dr. Haltzman says that there are “8 secrets to a happy marriage” One of them being you need to communicate. If you or your husband felt like there was something not right in your marriage you need to talk about it and try to fix the problem before it gets to this point.
It sounds as though there was some “Self Disclosure” in this relationship, meaning that there were revealing intimate aspects of oneself to others. This means that your husband was having intimate feelings with someone else. Dr. Haltzman would suggest that he needs to be completely honest with you giving you all his passwords to all of his accounts and cell phones. He needs to answer any questions you may have and he completely honest when talking to you about this other woman. He also needs to cut off all contact with her and let her know that the relationship is over and you are going to work on your marriage.

If you want to save your marriage I suggest you go to a marriage counselor. It is going to be very difficult for you to get over this difficult time in your marriage. It may take several years for you to completely get over this hard time. It is very important for this other woman to be completely out of your lives for good if you both want to try and work on this marriage. You need to be able to build your trust up for your husband again and although it may take a while it will be better in the end as long as he stays loyal and honest to you. You need to try and think of the happier times and change your thoughts when you start thinking about this awful time in your life. Think positive things will get better.
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Re: found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

Postby CCRI boy2014 » Mon Dec 02, 2013 12:26 pm

I understand that your husband had sex with an old female friend while you guys were still married, but technically you guys were divorced because you broke up with him and kicked him out of the house for a few days. It was very shocking when I read about him recording himself having sex with another women and also saving it on his phone. Your husband was probably very upset and that’s probably why he did what he did. My ex-girlfriend found text messages on my phone of me talking to other girls a few times and it was nothing serious, but I would never have something like that saved on my phone knowing that my wife will go through my phone. Why did you break up with your husband and kicked him out in the first place? Maybe if you would’ve been smarter about the choice you made all of that would’ve never happened. Being married is very serious, you don’t just brake up with your husband and kick him out of the house for anything, if something is going wrong in a relationship it’s always good to sit and talk and always work things out.

It’s unforgiving to know that your partner had sex with someone else, the marriage would probably never be the same knowing that your partner had unprotected sex with someone else. That’s why I would never consider two friends of the opposite sex to go out to a bar or something to have a couple drinks because at the end of the night you both are drunk and something sexual always ends up happening. Just like Dr. Haltzman said “Stay sober. You should never engage in excessive drinking or any illegal drug use with this friend, as sharing “sins” together develops false intimacy, and substance abuse lowers inhibitions. It’s true what he says because I’ve experienced that myself. One time I went out with a female friend that I’ve known ever since middle school, and we went out to a bar to have a couple drinks, I ended up getting drunk with her and she decided that she wanted to take me back to her place. Things got very sexual after that, when people have liquor in their system they do things without thinking.

Dr. Scott Haltzman explained the best way to avoid having an affair is to be wary of people who don’t care about the happiness of your marriage. Your husband’s female friend he went out with obviously didn’t care about the happiness of his marriage, but did she even know that he was married? That’s why it’s always good for a couple to make time to talk to each other about things and to know exactly who your partner’s friends are and who they hang out with. A couple can never hide any secrets because that’s when things get worse, when your partner finds out about your secret the trust between you guys starts decreasing and the main thing in a relationship is to trust one another with anything.

Something you can do to make this situation a little better is to tell your husband to lose all contact with that girl, tell him you don’t want him talking to her at all and to forget about her. Make him assure you that he will never contact her again, but make sure you feel very convinced. Tell him you have to know about all his female friends. Also another way to make this situation better is to try and do more things with your husband, try as much as you can to forget about the situation, go out more often, spend more time together, have more sex, etc. Your marriage can definitely be saved if you just forget about this awful time and think about the happy times in your marriage. He apologized and he swore something like that will never happen, take his word and give him another chance, if this was the first time he did this then give him another chance, and anyways you gave him the thought that your marriage was over so that’s why he went out to have a good time with another women, I’m sure that if you would’ve never made him think your marriage was over he would’ve never went out and did what he did. But anyways make him want you and only you, I’m sure he loves you and regrets what he has done. Good Luck!
CCRI boy2014
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Re: found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

Postby nskylinegtr902013 » Tue Dec 03, 2013 9:13 pm

So you discovered a video on your husbands phone that involves him and a bitch, he said that he went to a bar with what he would consider an old female friend then went back to the hotel and confessed to you that he has been covering up the video so you wouldn’t be able to find out his dark secret for more than a year and ever since then you had sleepless nights because of your thoughts. in a way your spouse did cheat on you based on your husbands previous actions, but i don’t think you should end your marriage at all.

based on your spouse dumbass decision, there is a theory behind it called “The Mere Exposure Effect, its a psychological phenomenon, there have been studies on it that relates to interpersonal attraction and infidelity. unforetunetly your spouses decision is a prime example. to make it short and blunt sadly, the more your spouse encountered her, the more pleasing it was to both him and her also the more your spouse and the bitch texts back and fourth, their affection increased. According to Dr haltzman, he claims that its ok if your husband has friends of the opposite sex, but they have to be friends of the marriage. what that means is that if you and your spouse is friends with that bitch and or she’s married its fine.

In your case, the bitch wasn’t friends with you or married. your spouse should of done the right thing by cutting off any sort of communication he had with that bitch such as texting, calling, Facebook etc. Dr haltzman would of suggested the same thing

In my opinion, i think your husband is pretty much an asshole for what he did but at the same time, it goes to show that no one is perfect. i feel that you should learn to trust your husband because its important for you and your marriage because at the end of the day marriage is important. i would suggest that you sit down with your spouse and have him contact the person he had an affair with and still keeps in touch to NOT contact your spouse again. it might hurt emotionally because of what you might think your spouse and the bitch would say, but i think it will be a bit relieving having your spouse do that in front of you rather than hearing him say he doesn’t contact her when you ask him but still does behind your back.

however if the problem still persists, where he still continues contact with the bitch i feel that you should get a hold of all of his passwords and messages, your spouse might think its a violation of his privacy but in my opinion it tests his trust also, its bulletproof/ironclad and you both are still married with kids which equals family so any card he plays wouldn’t work.

nskylinegtr aka galacticpresidentsuperstarmcawesomeville
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Re: found out spouse cheated on me two years ago-now what?

Postby zserpas » Wed Dec 04, 2013 10:45 pm

Dear melobear,

As we all know, cheating is one of the major downfalls for a marriage to not work out. However there are several ways to overcome this. There is no relationship without trust and by the looks of it, it seems as if your trust towards your spouse is not there. With sleeping less and constantly thinking about the infidelity it will start to take a toll on you. You have to sit down with your spouse and understand what caused the infidelity, forgive him for his actions, and move forward with healing to save your marriage and for the sake of your kids.

My psychology professor has taught us a few steps in overcoming infidelity. First off, your spouse must cut off all communication with the person he had the affair with. You did mention that he keeps in touch with her by checking up on her every month. Although, you did also state that the woman he had the affair with mothers passed away and he is just making sure that she is dealing with it okay is not okay to do because he had the affair. He must understand how uncomfortable it makes you and your feelings should be the first thing he responds to. I'm sure she has other friends who are willing to help her out with her mourning.

Secondly, you and your spouse should sit down together and write a letter to the woman describing in a detailed manner that you know about the affair and both you and your husband want no communication between the two and that you are willing to move and work on your marriage. Thirdly, you get to have all the passwords and codes to your husbands phone, email, and anything else. Lastly, you are willing to ask your spouse anything about the affair.

If you truly wish to fix your marriage, you both have to communicate and commit to forgiving and putting this behind you. Explain to your spouse, however you have to what makes you uncomfortable and that he can't continue to keep in touch with her. If she calls him, he can not return any of her calls and not even see her alone or at all. In addition, make a conscious effort to change your thoughts when you find yourself over thinking about the affair and it should soon pass over. I wish the best of luck to you and your spouse.
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