Husband's female friend

Husband's female friend

Postby RWeber108 » Fri Jun 17, 2011 10:18 am

My husband is not a "guy's guy". He doesn't get along with other guys, he's not into sports, he says he has trouble talking to them. He has had very few male friends over the years. My husband also works in a carpet mill with a bunch of women. He has a friend at work. I have met her. She is married, and she and her family invite ours out. We haven't been able to go yet, the timing is always bad. My husband has never hidden anything from me about this relationship. As far as I know. He did not come home one morning(he works third shift) and when I called to to find out where he was, he was at breakfast with her. I asked why he didn't tell me first, he said it was 7 am on Saturday he did not want to wake me up or the kids with a call. He told me right away where he was.

Those things don't bother me. What bothers me is that when I ask him what it is about her that he likes so much, he says he doesn't know, he just likes her, just likes being friends with her. I asked him if he would quit being friends with her and he said he shouldn't have to, he has done nothing wrong and it isn't inappropriate.

I tend to overreact to things. And early in our relationship (We have been together 10 years), I was hard to get along with and he lost some of his friends because of it. I know I was difficult to deal with, but I am no longer that person anymore, I went through a lot to "grow up" and change who I was.

My question is this. should I worry about this friendship or should I let it go? It is very hard for me. He is honest (as far as I know). She is very pleasant everytime I have spoken to her. She is not attractive (I know that isn't vey nice, but it is relevant to this). And she is married with kids.

I really stuggle with this because of my own issues, but is that all it is or do you think there is something more - something for me to worry about? (The whole "I don't know why I like her, I just do" thing is what I get stuck on, but then again my husband is very bad at communication.) Our relationship is good, we don't fight, we get along. Our only fights are these. Does he get angry because it reminds him of the past or is he hiding something? I want to trust him and 98% of me does, I just can't get past that 2%.

So how do I handle this? If I need to let it go - how? If you think there is more - what then?
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My thoughts

Postby matthewk » Fri Jun 17, 2011 1:07 pm

Weber, I don't know your situation but my my male RED ALARM is going off BIG time in my head. Your husband is in dangerous waters and you are instinctively picking that up. Don't doubt your intuition.

His intentions may well be innocent but he is in DANGEROUS waters and he needs to end all non-work interactions with that woman -- for the sake of your marriage. I'm quite serious. I've been there before, I know this path all too well.

The reason is this: the minute he begins investing in their relationship with his thoughts, feelings, dreams and concerns; then and there he begins to develop a bond, he begins to develop feelings for this woman. I've seen it way too many times. The fact that he is resisting breaking it off tells me the "feel goods" are starting and he doesn't want to give that up.

You have to be loving, respectful yet firm about your resolve when you discuss this with him. You don't feel comfortable about this, his actions (with a member of the opposite sex) in a marriage are simply not appropriate and that should be enough. You can ask him if there is something that he is missing between the two of you that you can work on together.

Good luck Weber, I applaud you for your commitment to your relationship
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Postby socialdistortion » Fri Jun 17, 2011 10:20 pm

Dear RWeber108,

Seriously, you have an “honest” husband, who “works third shift”, you “don’t fight”, “the relationship is good” AND the woman is totally “unattractive”? What do you want?

Save the jealousy for a real issue. Be happy that he even has a friend to talk to while working those hours. Trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Have confidence in yourself and your relationship. You will be so much happier.

Social Distortion
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Thanks, socialdistortion

Postby RWeber108 » Tue Jun 21, 2011 8:32 am

I just read both responses, and thanks to both of you who responded. Matthewk, I appreciate your advice, and I agree with being cautious, but my husband has not had any other outside of work interactions with her since the one time when I told him I was uncomfortable. We both agreed that our families should be friends outside of work. But as I said I do also appreciate your advice and will be aware of any other red flags.

Socialdistortion, I needed to hear your response especially. A lot of my issue with her is really my issue with me. She has even tried to initiate a friendship with me as well. I do need more confidence in my relationship. I have a lot of my own trust issues to work through. Every now and then we all need a reality check. If this is my worst marriage problem then I should be happy with what I have.

Thanks to both of you.
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Postby danieluk » Thu Jun 23, 2011 2:33 am

Hi

I am like your husband, not a guys guy, not into sport, don't enjoy guy chat and can think of nothing more boring than going out with a bunch of guys.

I find female company far more interesting and stimulating and have several close female friends. Some married, some single, some divorced. These are purely friendships and i'm happily married.

My wife is quite ok with me having female friends because she knows me and trusts me.

It seems your husband isn't trying to hide this friendship and i would say that shows it is innocent.

It is possible for men and women to be friends without sexual implications.

Just keep talking, and let him know you are ok with his frienships as long as they are open and he keeps no secrets from you.

Good Luck
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Thanks

Postby RWeber108 » Mon Jun 27, 2011 7:56 am

I like hearing that other guys are the same way. The man I grew up around (my dad) is not that kind of guy, he had no female relationships that were innocent.

Thanks, danieluk!
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Re: Husband's female friend

Postby booyakaci2 » Wed Dec 04, 2013 9:16 pm

There's a woman that your husband works with in which you're curious about their relaionship correct? He gets along with women a lot more than men. There was an incident in which he went out to breakfast with her and you didn't know about it but told you right away where he was when you called. You tend to overreact to things but don't as much nowadays. Although he feels nothing's wrong with their friendship, you feel uneasy about it. This immediate feeling can be a sign that this isn't an appropriate relationship.

There's something called mere-exposure theory. This is the tendency to start liking something or someone the more and more you see it/him/her. The attraction and familiarity begins to build and increase each time you confront it/he/she. In my notes, other factors that lead to this are availability, interests, same occupation and attractiveness. Dr. Haltzman says, "It's okay to have friends outside the marriage if they're friends of the relationship.

Your husband sees the woman everyday due to them working together. Not only do they just work together, now their doing things outside of work (going out to eat). This can increase thier feelings towards each other due to seeing each other more than they already do. They share some similarities in which each are married and have children. He's starting to really enjoy her company. Dr. Halzman would advise you tell him to stop seeing her outside of work because you don't consider her a friend like her does which means not a friend of the marriage.

If you want to see if she's just a friend then go out with them one day. This way, you can personally see how they act together and her intentions along with body language. For an "experiment" ask your husband to talk about and mention you during conversation or just out of the blue. Dr. Haltzman says, "If he or she is a great buddy of yours, but doesn't care to know about, or interact with, your spouse then that could spell trouble for your marriage." If the friendship still bothers you, ask him to see her less.
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Re: Husband's female friend

Postby psychstudent6 » Thu Dec 05, 2013 11:24 am

So from what I understand, you are concerned about your husband's friendship with another woman. You've asked him to stop being friends with her and he said that he shouldn't have to and that he doesn't think it is inappropriate. He doesn't lie to you about their friendship and she is married, but you feel uncomfortable with their friendship and are concerned.

The mere-exposure effect is a psychological phenomenon by which people tend to develop a preference for things merely because they are familiar with them. In studies of interpersonal attraction, the more often a person is seen by someone, the more pleasing and likable that person appears to be. Based on what you are saying, the more your husband sees this woman, the more attractive she will become to him. Dr Scott states that it is okay to have opposite sex friends, as long as they are friends of the marriage, meaning the both of you are comfortable with the friendship.

It is clear that this friendship is not a friendship of the marriage. The mere exposure effect will say that the more he sees her the more attractive she will become to him. While I do believe that it's possible for your husband to jut want a friendship with this woman, him not wanting to end it even though you feel uncomfortable with it puts up a red flag. No friendship should be more important than your marriage, and it appears that he is starting to get closer to crossing the line. Dr Scott would recommend that in order for the two of you to stop fighting and for you to truly trust him, he cut off all ties with this woman. While you may feel like this makes you the bad guy and he claims it's just a friendship, no friendship is more important than your marriage.

Try again to explain to him how you feel. Tell him you are uncomfortable with it, and that you wish for their friendship to end. Explain to him that regardless of what he says about it, you do not like it and that his friendship with her should not be more important than you. Instead of fighting, try calmly approaching the situation, and instead of attacking him about it try to really explain how you feel. If he sees that it is becoming a genuine issue in your relationship, he may rethink his actions. Regardless of whether or not he thinks you are overreacting, if the friendship makes you uncomfortable, it can't exist. Good luck!
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Re: Husband's female friend

Postby RWeber108 » Thu Dec 05, 2013 1:34 pm

Thanks to everyone for all your advice.

An update - my husband was laid off from his job. Everyone in the company was. After they stopped working together, he stopped being friends with her. She suggested we all try to get together once or twice after they stopped working together, but we'd forget to return her call or we'd be busy and eventually she stopped calling. I asked him once what happened to make them stop being friends, and his reply was "Nothing at all happened, she's a nice person. We were work friends, now we don't work together - what else did we have in common?" He went on to explain that the reason he always said he "didn't know why he liked her, he just did" when I would ask why he was her friend was because it was true. He said he saw nothing in common between them, they just worked in close quarters and were friends by default. Her number got deleted from his phone along with all the other coworkers after the lay-off.

The one time the went out to breakfast was the only time he spent time alone outside of work with her. From the once or twice I spent anytime around her and her husband they were perfectly nice, perfectly boring people. Looking back on those couple of get togethers, all we did talk about was people they worked with.

The moral of the story is to not let your emotion taint reality. Most of what I was seeing was in my head, a reflection of my own insecurities. They really were just work friends. When I later asked why he wouldn't stop being friends with her when it first bothered me, he asked me what he was supposed to do - tell the perfectly polite person he had to partner with on his machine to keep her conversation to herself? He did not see her alone after it bothered me, but couldn't bring himself to be rude at work.

My accusations, unfounded, as I now know, hurt my husband and almost ruined my marriage and it was for nothing. Anyone out there with concerns about your relationship - BE SURE you need to worry before you throw around hurtful accusations.
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Re: Husband's female friend

Postby Scott Haltzman » Thu Dec 05, 2013 7:31 pm

Hi R Weber,

It's so nice of you to have come back to the boards to fill us in on what happened. "The rest of the story," is what it often missing on forums like this. Yours ended up with an interesting, and instructive, twist.

Thanks for sharing!

-Scott
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Re: Husband's female friend

Postby psychstudentcc » Thu Dec 12, 2013 11:39 am

Hello I I see that you are having an issue trying to figure out of this girl "friend" of your husband is actually just a friend. They work together so it is unavoidable for him to not see her and that too must upset you. You hadn't mentioned if he has been the flirty kind of husband but if he is my red flag is also going off! Their are many guys out there like your husband who just don't seem to get along with the same gender for whatever reasons. One of my old boyfriends was such a ladies man and because of that none of the guys wanted to be around him because he would always steal all of the attention. There was suppose to be a thick line between me and his friends that were girls but it feels like a constant competition. If he does not make you feel like you are in competition with his friends you should feel a little more reassured.

In my psych class we did learn that our attractiveness can do us wonders. Ask your husband if he find's her attractive, you may not but maybe he will share with you a feature he likes about her. We learned that being attractive can usually only help you not hurt you. You can use her being unattractive to you to your advantage. Dr. halzman says "Hope is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out."So just be hopeful that the only beauty he see's is yours!

As the doc said, be hopefull if you go at this issue with your head sagging instead of holding it high with a confident additude you will look weak. You are beautiful, if he married you, he thought the same. Do not let some unattractive girl your husband works with make you second guess your husband.

I advise that you talk to him, seek your answer of if he finds her to be attractive. Also talk to him about his friendships so he will open up to you and tell you how hes been feeling about you. Communication is key, oh and rember look hot! Being attractive does wonders, so put on a fancy dress cook him up his favorite meal and let him open up to you because even with all those other girls, you are his go to girl! Best of Luck!
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Re: Husband's female friend

Postby psycstudent14 » Mon Dec 16, 2013 5:52 pm

So you are worried because your husband has a female friend. This is normal for him though because he has never gotten along with guys. He also works with this girl on a regular basis and is always up front and honest with you whenever you ask him about it.

In my psychology class that attractiveness does make a difference. You may not find her attractive but your husband might. Ask him if he finds anything attractive about her. If he says no hen you have nothing to worry about. If he says yes, don't freak out it could be nothing. Just sit down and talk about it. There is also something called the mere exposure technique where if you spend a lot of time with someone then you can begin to grow feelings for them. Dr. Haltzman also says, "It's okay to have friends outside the marriage if they're friends of the relationship.

Your husband sees the woman everyday due to them working together. Not only do they just work together, now their doing things outside of work (going out to eat). This can increase thier feelings towards each other due to seeing each other more than they already do. They share some similarities in which each are married and have children. He's starting to really enjoy her company. Dr. Halzman would advise you tell him to stop seeing her outside of work because you don't consider her a friend like her does which means not a friend of the marriage

I would recommend going out to eat with your husband and this woman. See how the two of them are around each other. If you are still uncomfortable with it tell your husband how you feel and if he still doesn’t see an issue with it then ask him if he wants this marriage to work. And if he says yes then tell him that this is what you need in order to make it work.
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