I am a married man who cheated with a married woman

[RickFox]

Obvious first post and I'll try to make it brief.

I met a woman whose child goes to the same school as my daughter. I noticed her right away and found her attractive even though she isn't my typical type.

During my daughter's kindergarten year, I'd see this woman, wild hair, purple streak, tattoos, ears completely pierced and a lip piercing. She'd sit at one end of the lobby and I'd stand at the other. I'd glance her way and never saw her look at me. I later found out her daughter and my daughter were best friends that year, and into the oncoming year.

During the beginning of the first grade year (last year), we talked a bit, began setting up play dates for the girls, and texting became more normal. We hung out as couples, met a few times a month, and I couldn't take my eyes off her body as she loved to work out and I am an avid bodybuilder. My wife, at the time, let herself go somewhat and it is absolutely no excuse for me to do what I did...but it's done and now I'm relaying it.

In March of this year, it became known that she found me attractive and I let her know I felt the same. We agreed to meet and she said, "let's have fun with this and see where it goes." Great, I thought, I've been married for 14 years, and I've been curious about other women, perfect..... The next thing the other woman said was, "I promise you, I'm not crazy. I won't show up on your doorstep screaming and yelling." I should have run at this statement but I plead ignorance.

So it started up, and everything was wow, it felt right, we would go out on mini dates during the day and I felt like a kid again, we both acknowledged the newness factor and a few weeks in, she told me she was falling for me but that I didn't have to say anything back to her. That opened the flood gates, and I fell hard for her...deeply, or maybe it was infatuation.

We talked of leaving our spouses all the time but she threw out another warning sign I ignored. She said that while she was in love with me, that we had a connection she had never had, she still loved her husband and wasn't ready to leave him....not yet. So I stupidly kept on, sneaking around to see her, and her sneaking around to see me.

Three months later, we were busted, my wife found out, and I admitted to being in love with our "friend". My wife was devastated, I saw her pain but closed myself off to it. I felt distraught and mad that I lost my girlfriend but also because I was going to lose my family ...my daughter...who is my world.

Now, the other woman's husband doesn't know, my wife chose not to say anything but during that time, we still talked for a bit, we talked about letting things cool down and being more careful and selective on how we meet. Then she texted me saying she couldn't do it anymore, her feelings of guilt were too great, even though she said she wanted an open marriage (when I asked her why she hit on me in the beginning). Then I was flooded with texts saying she couldnt stop seeing me, she loved me, and needed to see me once more. Then she would tell me that her husband was trying to do better (men just don't change that easily, this I know), and in the next text she would tell me that she lied, things weren't really much better. She said she had to try and make her marriage work so that she knew if it didn't she had given it her all. She even said that was what the summer was for, for us to work on our relationships.

The yo yo'ing went on for a bit, then I got hit with no contact and I felt horrible, I had no closure, I wanted to know if I was a game (yes I became the woman), if she truly loved me, or was it just the excitement of the affair.

I contacted her and she told me she was happy to hear from me and then a few minutes later, bit my head off. This happened a couple of times and then all contact ceased. I was horribly distraught and sought a therapist, both for my own needs and to save my marriage as my wife was/is willing.

The problem is, I can't stop thinking about her, knowing what I know, seeing what I've seen, even though I love my wife and want us to work, this other woman really made a profound impact on me and the way she ended things is probably more the issue than anything else. In fact,she once told me that she envisioned seeing me at the school once again and all the emotions she once felt would come "rushing back." I don't know if she's foreshadowing or what.

Fast forward to very recent, we had a bit of contact and she tried to get me to meet her at the store (a place we would meet at quite a bit) and I ignored it. We later spoke briefly on the phone where I was semi cold and she said it was good to hear my voice and she missed it, would play video on her phone sometimes just to hear my voice. When I asked her if she "reconnected" with her husband, she said "honestly, yes." I don't believe it for a second, as she once said she would never have the connection with him as she did with me and once again, men just don't change that quickly much less at all.

We both went out of town with our families not too long ago, and she initiated some contact, a "good morning" and whatnot and another saying it was beautiful where she was (in Austin) and she didn't want to come back. I responded with a one word answer as my therapist recommended I don't even respond and then several days later, I knew she was supposed to come home so I sent her a text saying "back?" Her response was "stalker, much?"

I went thru the roof! Livid! After all she and I went thru, shared with each other, a simple question to see that she made it home safe and I'm a stalker?!? So there it is, it's been weeks and no contact, none by her and none by me...yet I wish she would.....stupid I know.

She even told a mutual friend that she stopped talking to us because "things got uncomfortable" between all of us which makes me think that she's lying about her husband realizing she was slipping away from him and probably told him I hit on her and she had to end our friendship.

My biggest issue is, why has she turned on me like this, hell, she even said she hated my wife....the one true innocent party in all this. Some have said it's easier to turn to hating me rather than face her true feelings, but I understand women less than I ever have.

No, I will not rekindle the affair, even if she tries, I want my marriage to work, but I invested a large part of myself in the other woman and this all happened or ended in mid June so it is rather fresh. I'm at a loss as to her behavior and if I run into her at the school, should I be worried that she will try and re-establish a connection as my wife thinks she will?

[RickFox]

Anyone?

I'm really looking for insight into her jekyll/hyde mentality, the love me then hate me then try and reel me back in thing as well as do I need to be concerned with her trying to rekindle the affair.

I refuse to change my way of life to avoid her and let her run my life that way so to speak.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Rick,

Really, the question is not about her jeckyll/hyde behaviors, it is (in my mind) about your behaviors.

Your actions seem to be driven by obsession and infatuation, piqued by the excitement of how exotic this woman is.

It feels great to feel loved, but it's not great to seek it in the wrong place. And for that you have to take a good look at your activities.

In terms of not changing behavior/avoiding her, sometimes when you are recovering from an affair (if that's what you choose to do) you must do just that. if you are more invested in getting your life back on track (compared to her) then you may need to be the one to go to different stores, gyms, even adjust your pick up time for children.

But before any of this happens, you have to break free of the obsessive impulses, and recommit yourself to your family.

Scott.

n.b. comments by Scott Haltzman are not intended as therapy or treatment and do not imply a therapeutic relationship. they are offered as comments in the context of continuing discussion

[RickFox]

Doctor,

You're right and Im working on that, we are in therapy and trying to make our marraige work. I live in a small community, we are bound to run into one another and we have to an extent.

It's difficult to move on when my wife constantly brings her up, talks about how beautiful the other woman is, how thin she is, how she won't stop exercising until she is skinnier than she is, and how she got in the way of my happiniess.

I happen to be just as interested in the other parties motivations (know thy enemy) as you are in mine. I've tried to figure out why I had an affair, why she picked me, why she's played games and so on..... I don't understand and the cop in me wants to know 'why' on all counts.

[RickFox]

I re read your response Doc, and one thing that stood out is that I am obsessed with her so to speak. I honestly fell for this woman and I fell fairly hard. I thought I saw a future for us and was literally going to walk away from my family to be with her.

I do love my wife and I want us to work and I know it will be difficult, it already is, especially for her, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of the other woman. I miss her, I miss our friendship and the laughs we shared. It felt "right" as she used to say.

So in all actuality, I'm an emotional wreck most of the time. Wanting to make my marriage work but torn because I wonder if I was supposed to be with the other one. My wife even says, at times, I should have been with her and I take no real stock in that. Despite everything I know, that I was an exciting 'game' for her, I remain deeply hurt by what I perceive as her turning on me as she has. I can hear the comments of 'so what' or 'does it matter', but yes, it mattered/matters to me.

It is the single worst thing I've ever done, the ramifications, both emotionally and physically, are more than I ever thought. I wish to God she hadn't ever said she found me attractive, I wish I was still content being in a rut in my marriage.........I wish. I don't understand why I am obsessing over a woman who probably could care less about me and who wasn't mine to begin with.

I'm also constantly debating whether I should inform her husband....after all, she's living the good life while my life is suffering the consequences of 'our' actions.

[RickFox]

Still troubled by not letting her go. I see her at times, she ignores my existence, there is no civility. I don't understand it and it still hurts. Its like being addicted to a drug and I'm tired of it......but I want to say something to her but know if I do, she will win.

[socialdistortion]

Still troubled by not letting her go. I want to say something to her but know if I do, she will win.

Dear Rick Fox,

Win what?

Social Distortion

[RickFox]

Whatever game she may or may not be playing. I don't know what to think and yes I get the focus on my marriage part but let's face it, as of now Im having an unhealthy obsession with a woman who I built an emotional relationship with for about a year and then a physical one.

Ive been told she's in self preservation phase, to speak to her now she would win at the 'game', it would make me weak to her, to give in so to speak. I don't know anything anymore, I see that she might be doing this to protect herself and her emotions or it was just a game to her. Doesn't matter right? Unfortunately, it does/did to me.

[socialdistortion]

Seriously RickFox,

She already did win! She has your every thought. She has you more now than when she actually had you. Unless you marry your first love or you are a sociopath everyone has been in your shoes. Everyone has hurt like you are hurting now. If you think you are in a painful place just imagine about what your wife must be going through wondering if she is on your mind. While it does not seem like your feelings will ever end, they will. You just have to want them to end.


Social Distortion

[MSunderstoodinTX]

It's time for someone to step up and take up for your wife!

#1. Do her a favor, let her go so she can find happiness. It would be one thing for her to be willing to give YOU another chance. but it is insulting that she has and you put more energy into this other woman than your wife. You remember? The woman you did actually commit to? The woman who gave birth to your child?

Has anyone ever told you were completely self absorbed? Conceited? It's not about you being in love with this other woman. It's about HER REJECTING YOU! As they say KARMA is a B. Lucky for you, justice was served when you hooked up with this other female version of you. You were enjoying your cake and eating it, too. Living in that fantasy world most narcissits live in....

Read your comments. It was the first sign...I won't let her win... You are in a damn competition, you sore loser! But, as you lick your OWN wounds, look to your right. That woman sitting next to you, is YOUR wife. Do you really believe this other woman is better than the woman you chose to spend the rest of your life with? ( If you do, PLEASE let that poor woman go to find someone who can MAKE HER truly happy, someone who actually deserves her.)

Do you have any idea how embarrassed and humiliated she is? Can you imagine what she has endured to continue to stay loyal to you? I bet it takes everything in her to sleep next to you at night? The images that flood her head of you and this woman having sex, while you are having sex with her? Real love is what your wife has for you that you are not reciprocating.

If you saw a woman being mistreated, in the park, would you want to assist her? If you saw a man stabbing a woman repeatedly, would you call 911? I'm assuming you are not completely a coward and you are a decent guy other than this major flaw, yes, you would call the police.

You are emotionally and mentally abusing your wife daily. Just because you can't actually see the gapping wounds in her chest and back, they are there. Everyday, she has to take your assault on her, again and again, until you realize what you are doing to her. And, think about your daughter. Is this what you want for her? You are modeling the type of man she will marry and the type of wife she will be.

Please think about being truly sincere. Go back to your wife completely or don't go back at all.