Pretty sure my relationship is doomed. What can i do.

Pretty sure my relationship is doomed. What can i do.

Postby Slinky8527 » Sun Sep 25, 2011 9:03 pm

Well for a little background information.

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years we have 3 children together and are in our late 20s. I believe she cheated on me and would like some opinions about it.

Well to start, i hate technology now. Facebook has ruined my relationship. My partner about 6 months ago accepted a friend request from a guy whom she said was her friends older brother. Less than 5 seconds later he messaged here back apologizing for hurting her a long time ago. No problem with what he said, but there is a problem that she lied about him. Especially since they dated 6 years before i even knew her.

Eventually i found out that for 3 months she was talking to him on a regular basis. She would tell him about our relationship and what was troubling her. I consider that an emotional affair. Yet that is the easiest part of this to deal with. A month after finding out she was talking to him regularly, i seen her texting on her phone and smiling and giggling. I didnt say anything about it but waited until she slept and checked her messages. I found messages saying she wanted to go to sleep with him that night and that she wanted to have sex with him.


That tore me apart. We talked about it and decided that we both had to change things to be happy with each other. I did my best and changed or stopped alot of things that bothered her. To this day she hasnt changed whatsoever. She still talks to this guy all the time. She hangs out with him. And when i told her it bothered me and it hurt me alot she dumped me!!.


Her reason is she needs time to "find herself". What does that even mean? We have 3 kids together and i just feel she treats me soo bad. She ignores me when i try to talk to her about anything, it doesnt matter the subject. She doesnt talk to me about anything that hurts me but yet says she knows she was wrong. I dont know about other people but if i feel im wrong i would talk to you if it hurt you. She doesnt see it that way, she just doesnt wanna hear it. Well anyways, we seperated 3 days ago and yet still talking to this guy that i know she has feelings for and wont admit.


She's telling me that i should let her go and let her have some space to feel better about our relationship. I understand that but at the same time im so scared she's going to have a relationship that goes beyond friendship with the guy that irks me to my very core. If she actually talked to me id feel better. basically im certain she will be unfaithful but at the same time tell me to wait for her...

What do you think i should do. I am still young so i could wait or move on and be fine just emotionally torn. I feel like she's my air, my sun, everything to me. And ive always been family oriented. Its killing me to split up my kids. I just want my family back. But at the same time ive been hurt alot by things she does and the things i see.

Please help me.

Confused by love
Slinky8527
 
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Re: Pretty sure my relationship is doomed. What can i do.

Postby admin » Sun May 05, 2013 3:03 pm

Feel bad no one has responded to you Slinky. What was the outcome of this FaceBook horror story?
admin
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Re: Pretty sure my relationship is doomed. What can i do.

Postby britjb16 » Tue Nov 26, 2013 1:08 pm

For Slinky8527,

From the paragraphs I’ve read about your feelings towards your seemingly “doomed” relationship, I have come up with some informational advice that I hope helps your situation. Reading your issue regarding your partner of 6 years, (whom you’ve had 3 children with), becoming close again with a former partner , leading to an “up in the air” separation initiated by her it is reasonable to feel the loss of hope that you do right now. The statement regarding her needing “time to find herself”, suggests the statistical factor of marriage and or children before the age of 20 or children before marriage can create a lot of stress and leave some partners in relationships with the feeling of “unfinished business”. Lying to you was disrespectful and her asking for you too basically be on hold for her is unfair to you. It may seem like a complete hint that she is trying to let you go easily but there is still hope. If you want to rekindle the relationship, as hard as it is, give her what she has requested. It is easier to hear than do but it sounds like she herself is confused and needs time to think and make choices. If she is forced to think too quickly she could feel suffocated and odds are go with the decision you fear the most. By all means I am not suggesting any sort of “mind game” playing, I am simply saying your feelings fears and concerns are not wrong and it is just important at this point on how you approach everything.
The space apart that she has requested and the fact that she reignited a friendship/relationship with a former partner may not even be because of anything you’ve done. The issues she could mentally be facing are out of your control and it sounds like you care a tremendous amount towards this woman. Robert Sternberg’s triangle of the combinations of love has a corner titled decision and commitment, the other types of love involves passion. The difference between these is when the point of love where it feels almost like a “high” fades away and there comes a point where effort and choices play an important role in keeping relationships alive. Your partner could be having an issue with needing that “high sensation” and is seeking it elsewhere because of confusion and not being informed or maybe issues with commitment. During this separation use all of your feelings to better yourself and work on things you’ve been meaning to do, focus on your children and still be friendly towards “her” without giving any pressure. If the time comes when you are both ready to try and work things out I have some helpful tips to provide you with. Dr. Scott believes that if there is an infidelity of any sort than the person who has committed it must completely cut off the person that they were involved in, and let their partner watch them do it. It will make both of you more at ease. Cutting off any threats too your relationship is truly helpful because the psychological phenomenon called the mere exposure effect has shown being around something frequently will increase someone’s desire and fondness of it. Back to you- this could also help you when you interact with her during this time of space, if you are doing “you” and being the man you want to be and still being civil charming and respectful than being around you has a good chance of increasing her feelings for you again. Good luck too you two and I hope this information serves you well with whatever the outcome may be.
britjb16
 
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