What did/does this mean and what can I do to get over him?

[secret]

So I'm married with 3 kids, nearing 40 but have kept myself up and I exercise so I think my body looks good. I've never had a hot body but I have a good one and over the years both men and women have told me I have a very pretty face--i.e. I think I stand out in the face department but not the body dept. Have a good-valued husband who is kind to me and a good father, but because of how he was raised and his still-today extremely narcissistic parents, he suffers from depression, lack of desire for life, and sometimes I wonder about his masculinity. We've been married for 15 years and we *try* to keep our marraige up: we talk as much as is possible with busy lives and 3 kids, we have sex 2-4 times a week (we both enjoy it), we have some date nights. Neither of us is perfect and probably because it's been hard living with a depressed person even though we've been to counseling individually and together, a few years ago I responded to a man at work that smiled at me and who noticed me. I began talking to him and after a while we both started feeling a very strong "connection". The "close" period lasted about 2 months and we talked, emailed, IMd, and physically, we held hands once and hugged 4 times. Never kissed or anything more. Then we both realized we were heading down a slippery slope, talked about how that would devastate our spouses, our kids, etc. Stopped all contact for 2 months and now we see each other once a month in a work meeting with 10 other people around. I run into him in the hall sometimes at work and we've locked eyes, but haven't allowed ourselves to get close again. He told me at that time that he and his wife had been in counseling for 2 years, that she has never liked sex ever since the beginning of their marriage and he didn't realize that until after marriage because she insisted they remain celibate, and he described a few other issues such as that she doesn't socialize with people because she doesn't like to.
My question today--2.5 years later--is two-fold: one, I think about this guy EVERY SINGLE DAY still and he appears in my dreams, he is the one I'm imagining when I'm having sex with my husband, and I think of him at times like when I'm driving. I don't understand why. I can basically never have him because he is married and so am I. Is this normal to think so much of someone I really technicaly shouldn't even have time or authority to think about? what does it mean? Two, this guy gives me longing looks like he is still into me, yet keeps himself "closed off" and generally won't talk to me, so I'm wondering if it's possible he ever had feelings and/or if he is totally over me? He also gives me flattering compliments at times and I have no idea why. What do the longing looks or compliments mean?
What can i do to get over this man? Do you think he just played me to check if his mojo is still there? Why do I still feel so much for him, does it mean anything divine? (like we'll eventually be together)? or am I just fantasizing. I should mention it was never lustful on my end, I truly think caring, loving thoughts of him and wonder how he's doing since he opened up to me on all his sadness several years ago.

I know, I know, I know I have to focus on my marriage, which is what I've been trying to do the last several years, but what I'm saying is that this man STILL pops into my head, my thoughts, my dreams, etc.

[socialdistortion]

Dear Secret,

I admire you for being open enough to admit you have personal and sexual feeling for this other man. I also admire your commitment to your husband, who you clearly still love. It sounds like you are trying to sort out your feelings and almost like you are going through the stages of letting go. You read so many posts on this forum of people crying out ‘emotional affair’ every time they discover their partner even had breakfast or lunch with a coworker. I think you two really did have an emotional affair. You clearly have the emotional maturity to identify your feelings and now find yourself wondering how he felt or feels about you. I say that it really does not matter how he feels about you. You obviously shared some closeness and now you need to move past that.

The stages of letting go are similar to the stages of lost. You first go through denial and the shock and disbelieve that something is over. Then you might feel anger or resentment (“Do you think he just played me to check if his mojo is still there?”). Then comes the bargaining stage (“Why do I still feel so much for him, does it mean anything divine? like we'll eventually be together? or am I just fantasizing.”), wondering if perhaps all this pain will pay off and you can be together. Now comes the depression stage where you might experience anxiety, crying and guilt. Finally you reach acceptance and you can move on and let go of the feelings for this other man. So basically my answer is yes, you will be able to let go of him and there will be a time where you no longer think of him every day. You need to tell yourself that you are going through these stages and it will eventually end.

…And don’t feel bad out thinking of someone else while you are with your husband. A scientific study on Sexual and Psychosexual Development done by June Machover Reinisch, Ph.D. found that 84% of people reported that they had fantasized during intercourse at least some of the time. The other 16% are lying.

Best,

Social Distortion