What to expect from counseling?

[ffuser9]

I'm new the web site. See some posts from men and women. I'm a man that has been married for 6 years. I'm pretty much done with the marriage for several reasons, mostly the same things others post here for. IE: No more sex or even intamacy, controlling/over bearing wife. Believe it or not I've thought of going to counseling before actually throwing in the towel but I'm not sure what to expect from it or what I'll get out of it. From what I understand it's just me/us talking and they don't offer much in the way of advise. Doesn't sound very helpful to me.

So any other men out there that went to counseling and actually got something out of it. Be honest.

Thanks,

[elizacol]

Each situation is different, as is each counselor.

My advice would be to go and find out for yourself whether
it is/will be helpful or not. One person's experience never
mirrors another's exactly.

When we were going, it was my husband who got more out of
it and who felt it was more beneficial that I did. He felt much
better after a counseling session.

Of course...we are atypical...HE is the talker in our relationship
and I am the introspective/keep things to myself one. He
enjoyed letting it all out and it was good for him.

Try it. Can't hurt anything.

Btw, I feel for you and your sitch. I wish more wives would wake
up and realize what they are doing to their relationships.

[Scott Haltzman]

Hi Ffuser,

I understand your situation. I think one of the things that frustrates so many people who seek therapy is that they just find that it stirs up bad feelings, and doesn't give much back in terms of how to solve problems.

Couples education is generally a better way to go; or at least work with a therapist who understands the principles of marriage education. I have known men (and women) whom it has helped.

When I talk to couples, I like to point out that they chose each other, and so they know there are qualities that each values and likes. One of the challenges of marriage is to regain those good feelings between you.

Try checking out www.SmartMarriages.com; they have a directory of couples educators/therapists who are pro-marriage, and will do more than just have you two talk at each other.

S.H.

[BroStimpy]

My second visit with a certified marriage and family counselor is tonight and so far so good. In our 1st visit he tried to get us to talk about our beginings and gave us an exercise to do at home specifically designed to reinforce these early memories. I am also reading the book and instantly noticed that he also quoted the statistic that 69% of all major conflicts in the home are not resolved even after working on them for 5 years. I found the book 2 days after my 1st visit and I was excited that the therapist I chose seems thus far to be headed where I want to go....A HAPPY MARRIAGE!!!

[rogersje]

I have found that a good counselor tries to get you to work on your own issues first before he works on your marriage.

So if you have an issue with communicating your needs, depression, anger, stress, etc., he works with you to get you to better communication or with your anger issues, etc. Also, my counseling worked on showing me how previous experiences, including our family life and marriage success

You can only be the best husband if you are the best person, whole, complete and working on your own personal issues.

I was told marriage is the dessert of life not the main course, which was a different take on it for me.

[3timedaddy]

Hi I'm new to this site but I found it looking for answers, help, direction, etc. I have been married for 2yrs but my wife and I have been together off and on for 10yrs. We have 3 beautiful children and I would do anything for them. We have been having the same problems for years and everything we try seems to be a waste. We don't get along in so many ways it boggles my mind! I love her and I said I would do anything to save our marriage and it has come to the point where counseling is our last resort. She says that counseling is a commitment that may take years, I say I want to go to counseling but I don't want to be in the kind of relationship that needs counseling for the rest of our lives to keep us together. is there another alternative to counseling? Does counseling save marraiges or just postpone the inevitable?

[ThunderHorse]

Chapter 4 of the Secrets of Men book states, "Expect Conflict and Deal with it."

By now, you whould know what areas in which you disagree, and find ways to work around those issues, with a minimum of disruption.

What are your disagreements?

How can you set up strategies to avoid the differences impacting on your relationship?

Part of your wife's job is to make peace in the home. Part of a husband's job is provide leadership in appoligising, making peace, and laying out systems to avoid unnecesary conflicts. What conflicts can you get ahead on?

You do not mention your counseling goals. The number of counseling sessions needed for a satisfactory marriage is difficult to predict.

There are marriage seminars, Search Love and Respect and Marriage Builders. There are many Marriage Seminars and Retreats. A seminar might shorten the time needed in counseling.

Once you have defined your counseling goals, you can better determine how far you have to go.

You say that you give full support to your three children. Many women assume that a husband, father of their children will continue to support their children. The reality is that if your wife wants a separation or divorce, many men interpret this as a request for them to find some other family, to which to become devoted.

Part of the reason women stay married is to keep the advangtages they have form the husband they have.

How can yhou lovingly give each other space, when a conflict seems to get out of hand?


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[ThunderHorse]

Dear 3 Time Daddy,

Your parenting goals do not seem fully flushed out. A major goal of parenting it to encourage children to be self-sufficient, self actualizing, self-disciplined and self-reliant. Certainly you will do things for your children, but if you are not helping wtih your building your children's independence, you are leaving your wife with a big emotionlal burden.

Parenteing is catching your children doing something good, and giving praise. Parenting is knowinghe unique strengths of each child, and encouraging each child to appreciate and develop their strenghts and interests.

Parenting courses always bought my wife and I closer together.
Do you hacve alist of parenting courses. Have you searched E-bay for used parening DVD's or Tapes to watch with your wife?

You say there are conflicts in the marriage. How are you handling the conflicts yourself? Are you losing your temper, or good nature? Do you need to work on keeping cool? Do you need to work on helping your wife to develop better habits of controlling her temper, or unpleasant expressions of disappointment? Have you allowed your wife to develop habits of undisciplined emotional expressions in bargaining or expressing diappointment?





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