What to do?

What to do?

Postby oneguy » Mon Oct 09, 2006 10:17 pm

My wife and I have been married 10 years, and have a 1.5 year old daughter. Although our time together has definately been more good than bad, for the last 6 months or so she has increasingly become iritated with me and now seems to absolutely hate me.

She says I spend more time working out and with friends than with her. (I trained this summer to play lacrosse, mountain bike race, and triathlons.) She also says I travel all the time for work, which is typically 2 nights every 2-3 weeks. I have never been the romantic that she has always wanted.

So, based on her complaints I have given up nearly all of my sports, and haven't scheduled any time with my friends that doesn't involve her. But, I suspect that this isn't the real issue. She is the one that goes to dinners with friends twice a week and goes partying with her girl and guy friends twice a week.

The biggest thing that bothers me is that she won't talk to me. When I ask her what is wrong, I get the cold shoulder. I have tried to be nice with gifts, flowers, or breakfast even when I don't feel like it, but nothing seems to work.

I don't know what to do. I have tried to spend more time at home, but she still avoids me. We have tried counseling several years ago, but we both agreed she was not helpful at all. I am afraid my wife doesn't want to be married to me anymore, and there is nothing I can do about it. Is there ever a time that I need to let her go? I made a committment to her, and I want to spend my life making her and our daughter happy, but I don't think I can. Please help.
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Postby elizacol » Tue Oct 10, 2006 6:29 pm

Has she said she wants a separation/divorce? Based on her actions, I would say that she is trying to place the 'blame' on you...and that she likely has something to hide. IF she is not happy that YOU do things for yourself, whether work or recreation, yet is still doing things for herself is not fair. I think you have been more than generous and willing to please/appease her. Yet it still isn't enough. It is your turn to put your foot down and demand some answers and/or actions. Isn't that what she required of you?

Whether she will talk to you or not, you need to get across to her that she owes you an explanation/answer of whether she is *in* this marriage WITH you or not. Because her actions don't show that she is. She owes you at least a yes or a no with regards to that question.

What this is leading to is a recommendation that you detach yourself from the situation. You can't control her actions/feelings/etc. You can only control your own. Detach from her, focus on you, and don't let her actions affect how you treat her. (Other than asking for some answers).

So. 1) get the answer from her.
2) depending upon, or no matter the answer, (can't decide which and
am wondering if it even matters), you need to check out a book
and/or a forum called Divorce Busters (Divorce Busting?). The
author is Michele Weiner Davis, I believe. She gives great advice!

Whether or not she wants a separation or a divorce shouldn't deter you from reading the book or looking at the website. Basically, you learn tips for saving/repairing/etc. your marriage when a spouse is not interested. Very helpful stuff. Essentially, you save yourself, as well.

I'm not sure what is going on with her, and maybe it is just temporary, but if it continues, I would say you need to take some action.
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