1st year of marriage troubles

[first year]

Hello, I just got married a couple of months ago and recently my wife told me she's unhappy with the marriage. She told me that she feels that she's not ready to be married given the obligations that she feels being married has been put upon her. These obligations include going with me to family functions (wedding's, holdiays), having dinner ready at 6.30 when i come home from work (even though I've never said or implied this) cleaning (again, something I've never implied or said to her) and just spending time with me. She feels like she's lost her independence.

We recently moved to a new city, away from our family and friends. She doesn't work and stays home all day or goes out in the city. I don't know why i love her but i do. She's told me that she wants to work things out, she wants us to be happy but at the same time is not fully committed to the marriage. She's told me that if she's not happy she'll leave me. The pain is so agonizing. I'm a good husband. A good person, I've never said anything bad to her or hit her. She says that she just feels different about me now. It could be a function of being married now and away from her friends and family but something changed about us that I can't figure out. I still love her, and she says she loves me, but it doesn't seem genuine.

One thing that she does love is her friends. She talks to them a lot. She has some friends who recently became single who always want to go out with her (before we moved) and I think this has definitely played a factor into her wanting to be single and have her independence, even though she won't admit it. I'm pretty good friends with them and I was thinking about going to them to ask them to help me out by asking them not to hang out with her as much. One thing that I hate is the fact that whenever we get into little fights, she becomes apocolyptic about our relationship. Overall, what should I do? What advice to you have for first years, and are there people who have experienced similar situations?

Thanks

The hopeful husband

[azul]

Hi first year,

Well, while I can't speak for your wife specifically, I think I understand a little of what you are saying. I'm newly married myself, just a little more than 4 months. And, like your wife I'm the what you would call, fiercly independant type and...finding it a little hard to adjust to married life.

Not the joint responsibilities, not having to factor in another person to your plans. You know this is what will happen when you share your life with another person, that isn't hard. But, it probably has more to do with the reason why we are "fiercly independant."

My background...previously had a very difficult 5 year relationship, many years ago that I left and had to work very hard to get my life back. When you have to work that hard, and you can only really "rely" on yourself, you learn to be nothing but independant. It's a security thing. I know I can trust myself, I know I won't let myself down, I don't have to worry about me doing something that won't make me happy. Having control over your own life is a HUGE sense of security. (for a woman especially) Your wife, like me has just lost a little of that. (through no fault of yours, it's just the nature of things) Again, while I don't know this is the case for your wife, for me getting married and giving that up is a scary endeavour. Even though I know I can trust him with my life (or I wouldn't have married him) I find myself demanding more out of him, almost demanding that he be perfect(even though I know that this isn't fair to him) because that's what I need for my happiness, that's what I'm used to...it's easy to make yourself perfectly happy, you know exactly what your wants/needs are! But when your happiness is now also dependant on another individual the standards change, we need to have more patience....does that make sense?

It's easy for her to go to her friends, first because they are just like her. And second, while friends are extremely important to happiness in life and well being...they are not in the position that you are in and are therefore much less likely to cause unhappiness if they don't fullfill her needs. This is a female instinct, not an insult to you.

My advice, do things to make her feel secure. You can even ask her what she needs from you to accomplish that....god knows I wish my husband would! I don't think he even realizes I have these insecurities because like most independant women, I hide them! I hate the fact that people always asume I'm perfectly fine, but that's my own doing. So, even if you can't see her insecurities, it doesn't mean they aren't there. If my husband asked me however, I can tell him exactly, if he could do it, he could help me move past my insecurities and we can move past this problem...

Hope that helps! Good luck!

[darlenehill19]

It happens some times!
you have the prime responsibility to counter your wife's fear!
Allow her enough privacy..give her time to settle down..
show your love and compassion not directly BUT indirectly..
Don't ping her for parties..and other stuff...
Allow her to make her own decisions..
Don't force her....increase your temperamental level...make her realize that you are the right choice for her...
Wish you luck...your wife is not going any where; don't panic..just keep patience

[juliaanderson1987]

This is rare situation and I think if you want then you can handle this with some effort as girl want nothing except unconditional love and security. You have to become her friend. Try to follow her inner thoughts and make her happy. As living together you no the needs and feelings of her. just try to take on some recreation or what would she likes. if she like her friends then try to be the best friend of her or join her in seeing her friends and make you able to got her back if you love her then she will be yours.

[trustablonde91]

Hello first year,
I am sorry you are going through such difficulties especially so early into your marriage. Considering her feelings on her obligations, does she first off like attending family functions, especially family dinners, I know some people who take their frustrations out on their husbands due to issues with their in-laws. Your wife seems to be feeling like all the work is her problem to deal with. I know you never implied to her that she needed to clean or have dinner ready exactly when you walked in the door, but maybe she feels the need to in order to live up to what she feels is being a good house wife. Maybe she is depressed. Why does she not have a job? Is it because of an agreement or because she cannot find one? Maybe if she is out working she will feel more independent and like she has a better hold on her own life.

You said she feels like she lost her independence. Coming from a fellow female, telling a girl or going to one of her friends and asking them to lay back will only want to make them hang out with her more, especially if she is recently single. She will want her friend to be around. Maybe if her friend sees you guys happy together she will want to settle down again and then the two of you can double date. That way you have a better connection with her and her friends. So she feels they are important to you as well. Does your wife ever say if she wanted to move?

I am currently enrolled at CCRI, and am taking up a few psychology classes. According to my psychology professor Dr. M, when trying to mind a relationship one must first, expressing their feelings of trust and commitment, recognize your partner’s support and effort, and be optimistic about the future of the relationship. In order to make a relationship work you must not only be their lover but their best friend. I feel that you really do want what is best for your wife, so sit her down and listen to her and see what she has to say.

Hope this helps!!

-Trustablonde91

[secregy]

thank you for a good post)

[dalovdoc]

Hello,
I am sorry you are going through in your marriage. you said that you guys moved to a new city, leaving friends and family behind? that alone could be the root of most of you guys problems.It seems like she feels like she sacrifice allot to be marriage to you. also you said she doesn't like attending family functions,I know some people who take their frustrations out on their partners due to issues with their in laws. How is her relationship with your family? does your family like her? I had similar issues with my wife's family, where i felt really uncomfortable around them, because they never like me and they never really gave a chance to like me. You also said that she feels like she hast to many obligations like cleaning, cooking etc...did she sacrifice her career for the move? maybe she is depressed. Why does she not have a job? It does sound like you guys have children yet or because she can't find one? Maybe if she is out working she will feel more independent and like she has more control of her own life and make new friends.

Coming from male, telling a women to leave her friends and family behind is a pretty hard thing to do, especially some close friends.But at the same token friends also could also cause many problems in some one's marriage, specially if the other friend is single. Many of my girl friends got mad ones my girl friend moved in with me, because they felt my girl never had time for them. But they have to understand that your wife hast obligation to your marriage. At the same time balance is important part of marriage, she also need her space and spend quality time with her friends , so if tell her not to hang out with her friends it probably make resent you more.

Dr. Scott says Marriage should be you job, know your wife, listen to her needs and aim to please her,maybe talking to her and trying find out what would make her happy again, she did marry you so at some point she must the been happy with you. try making her remember why she marry you and if you lover her do anything to make her happy again even if that means moving back or taking a brake from each other.

Good luck, hope everything works out at the end!!

[Coolcats05]

I am sorry to hear about your current situation especially since you have been married for such a short time. How long did you date before you were married? When you were dating, did she live near her friends and then move away when you two got married? Also, you mentioned she does not work, was this the case before you were married?

The reason I asked how long you dated is because my professor, Dr Ski suggested that the longer a couple dates, the better their chances of a successful marriage. My psychology textbook states that, “Most newlywed couples in the early years of marriage experience numerous problems and disagreements.”

As for your suggestion of talking to her friends and asking her not to hang out with them as much, as a woman I personally advise against it. You say she really loves her friends, causing difficulties within her friendships could worsen the problem. My suggestion is for the both of you to sit down and discuss the reasons that you got married in the first place and how you ended up where you are now.

[mujercita15]

Well to tell you the truth the first year of any marriage is always the toughest. I think that she is just so overwhelmed with the whole though of marriage i think that because she got married she has lost all of her rights or liberty to go out.One of the things that I learned in my psychology is that marriages a job and if you really love her you should not give-up. You should take her out tell her how you feel be romantic don't let the passion go away.You have to make her fall in love with you all over again like in the beginning of your relationship.You should give her space let her go out with friends because if she feel that you are not letting her go out she is going to become very rebellious with you and at any cost will want to leave the marriage.Another that I recommend is that you should help her around the house with cleaning or cooking together .Try something new everyday because most marriages are just a routing and she sees that that will bored her to death. One thing that I recommend is that, is going to take time so be very patient but I now that in the long run it will be all worth it.You have to let her now that she has not lost her freedom also that you want things to be the same as when you were dating.Letting her get used to the marriage is also going to take time.I think that both of you are in the page and are willing to win this war together you will soon overcome it. Hopefully your marriage will be forever and wish you the best of luck.

[BlueLotus]

If someone is not happy with a relationship it is not easy to compel them in a relationship. If one wants to go, we should let them go. They have to understand it themselves that how they are missing that relations. If they are coming by their own, then only that relation will continue.

[DJMCK]

Im about to hit my second year of marriage. Im 16+ years active duty Naval Special Warfare, I'm 37 years old and never married before. I told myself I wouldn't tie the knot until I knew it was "for sure"... I also told my wife it was going to be a very rough next couple of years ahead of us if we marry at that point in time, and then we married.
Iv been on deployment for the past six months (maybe gone a total of 15-18 months on and off out of the past two years), Im scheduled to go home in ten days, out of the blue my wife totally changes towards me and she is now being rude, hatful, and negative to me in every way. She literally told me she's doesn't look forward to me coming home and lots of other things that I address in the email below. I tried to pour my heart out and keep it on the real. Im looking for outside insight into the communications below:

Wife,
Im worried you don’t love me any more, Yes I know you love me, but not enough to grow old with like you used to. I pray you are projecting your anger towards me as a defense mechanism so you don’t get let down by me anymore. I pray anger is just a cover up for hurt, disappointment, and resentment. I pray your only sad that Im not the man you want me to be. Im sorry, give us a chance to fix it, I didn't know the severity.

I don’t want a fight to get in the way of communication. Men don’t generally like to talk about their feelings openly and Im probably on the worse side of that spectrum. I have to ask you to be brutally honest with me and I need to take what you say to heart and read between the lines better. I didn't realize sent warning signs of lousy physical and emotional intimacy, ignorant to growing apart and not having much in common. Can you pinpoint the time in our marriage where you started getting angry with me, when I stopped being the one you met and started being someone else?

You told me that Im not around for you, I deserve some credit, I clean, laundry, worry about finances, worked around the clock from coast to coast to help support us, pay depts and save for retirements while you worked too and a student. I don't know what Im doing... Iv never done this before either. I do know that acting the way you are is not helping, If you want to work this out lets get on with it. Iv been concerned and hurt by you too, the amount of time that you choose to spend away from home/me with other people during the brief and precious times afforded. Im hurt that you don't feel that we have a say or input in each others day to day life, actions, and decision making.

Ill do better at not taking my work home. Ill do better at being fair, kind, gentle, and compassionate and one who can offer support and guidance without making you feel bad or inferior. Taking someone for granted can bring the end, to say that I don't appreciate you is an understatement, Ill do better.

Love
Husband

She then replies:

First, thank you for this email. It's incredibly honest and I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to write. I have the same fears and I don't know if the anger and general indifference is a defense mechanism or not. I don't know what I feel right now and I'm trying to sort it out. I don't know what I'll feel being in the same room with you or what I'll feel when you hug me hello. Right now, my knee jerk reaction is to push you away because I am hurt and I am unhappy.

The worst part is when I think about what it is that's changed. You haven't changed, really. You've always been simple, aloof, a bit unavailable, and direct. What's changed is my willingness to acquiesce to these behaviors. Dan, I don't doubt that you appreciate me and love me to the best of your ability. It's so hard to look at someone and tell them that their best isn't good enough. I'm sorry that I've been quiet on that front and that I haven't been able to step up and communicate what I need from you. I'm working on that.

It's not to say you don't deserve credit. You are a wonderful provider and you work hard to make sure we can have anything we need. You're ability to look down the road to ensure financial stability is admirable but what would be the point if there was no one to share it with? Money is important but not at the expense of your relationships and you can't be so worried about tomorrow that you stop enjoying today. And I never loved you because you cleaned and did laundry...so don't pat yourself on the back for those. You never loved me because I did the dishes, either. I appreciate you telling me that you are hurt by my spending time with friends and about our having a say so in day-to-day decisions. That's something we can discuss in more detail. I don't mean to hurt your feelings.

I'm afraid that the things I feel like I'm missing are a little broad and idealistic right now. I'm doing a TON of thinking and trying to sort out what is fair to me. I really feel like I'm living someone else's life because I haven't spoken up and said 'this is what I want'. And I'm scared that we want completely different things in the long run. So I'm holding my breath and waiting for you to get here so that maybe then I'll know. I have no idea what I'm doing either so at least we have that in common!

Thank you again for the communication. I really appreciate you reaching out. I'm very willing to talk about all these things but I find it very difficult to do on FaceTime.

Love,
Wife