Therapy is frustrating me

[McHurt]

My wife had about a two year affair (sexual and emotional) with a friend. We are in Therapy, but the therapist is totally focused on making the marriage work. I need to get out, because in my heart I cannot make it work, and the affair is causing me to slowly self destruct. I really need to save myself first.

Therapy has made me realize that I do not love her any more, and I really want to go off on my own, heal, and start fresh.

The focus on fixing things is emboldening my wife to diligently pursue reconciliation. This is making it hard for me to end the marriage, and for her to realize that it won't work. She is calling me selfish for wanting to leave.

At what point is a therapist supposed to recognize when one party is at the end of their rope? Or, is the therapist supposed to doggedly pursue reconciliation?

Edit - we are in therapy together. Though I have a solo session coming up.

[Brian]

McHurt,

I would say that if you can't get over the infidelity then get out. Don't let your wife bully you by saying your selfish. She's one to talk. The goal of the therapist is to get you to stay together. Few therapists would actually tell you to get a divorce.

However if you have children then I would say stick it out. Hopefully you would place their happiness before your own. Once you have kids marriage is more than about being in love, whatever that means. I don't care what the therapists say, divorce is more hurtful to kids than an unhappy marriage. I know, I went through it.

One other point though. Why can't you get over the infidelity? Honestly, if you had the opportunity wouldn't you? Although most American women repress it and deny it they have a sex drive same as men. And if you did cheat would it really change anything about how you felt towards your wife (except the guilt)? I doubt it would make you love her less. If she wants to make it work she must still have feelings for you. Think about what life was like before you married her. Where you really better off? If you're like most men married life, despite all the crap you have to put up with, is probably better for you than your life before - despite the fact that we like to pretend otherwise.

[McHurt]

Thx Brian.

Luckily, no kids - or I would stick it out.

I might be able to overcome the situation and stay married, but it could take many painful years. In the end - I really don't love her, I think we were good friends at one time, but that is it. I don't think I will meet her unrealistic (for my personality) needs either.

The affair happened in a very cruel way, and has some rather disturbing circumstances, which make me question her as a decent human being. I get the feeling she wants to make it happen out of guilt, and that she is afraid of having to explian the divorce. Staying the course seems more convienient for her.

Anyhow, don't want to get long winded. I appreciate your feedback.

I did great on my own for years before her, and have total confidence that I will be happy on my own.

[Scott Haltzman]

My wife had about a two year affair (sexual and emotional) with a friend. We are in Therapy, but the therapist is totally focused on making the marriage work. I need to get out, because in my heart I cannot make it work, and the affair is causing me to slowly self destruct. I really need to save myself first.

Therapy has made me realize that I do not love her any more, and I really want to go off on my own, heal, and start fresh.

The focus on fixing things is emboldening my wife to diligently pursue reconciliation. This is making it hard for me to end the marriage, and for her to realize that it won't work. She is calling me selfish for wanting to leave.

At what point is a therapist supposed to recognize when one party is at the end of their rope? Or, is the therapist supposed to doggedly pursue reconciliation?

Edit - we are in therapy together. Though I have a solo session coming up.

Hi McHurt,
I think infidelity is one of the worst assaults on marriage. Like you, lots of people feel that it marks "the point of no return."
Maybe.
But you've stayed in the marriage for another 2 years, and, in the process, have done a lot of thinking.
Therapists that support marriage often do so based on a foundation of belief that, in general:
1) Being married is beneficial to your health and well being (on average)
2) Couples who voluntarily promise to be with each other have a valid rationale for trying to follow through with this promise
3) That the kind of conncection with another person that you can find after years of working through issues like these, rising above them, learning about your limits, learing about another person inside and out is like no other experience in the world.
4) That virtually all couples go through similar phases in marriage including: believing they don't love their spouse, thinking they never really loved their mate, feeling "the magic" is gone, or feeling hateful to their spouce. Yet, many couples that stay together look back at those times and see them as a horrible phase that they went through.
5) Each of us, after just a few MONTHS of marriage...can find lots of reasons why life would be more quiet, controlled, tension free, liberating...you name it...than married life. But we didn't marry for those things...we had them even BEFORE we picked a spouse. You married for a connection and a partner in life. Someone to stand testiment to who you are and what you have done in this world. That's what your therapist may recognize.

Remember, "self" distruct implies that you are doing it to yourself. You have other choices, and it doesn't necessarily require that you leave the marriage.

Good luck, McHurt. I wish you well.

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[tlescak]

Infidelity would be a deal breaker for me. Kids or no kids. I would go directly to a divorce lawyer. No therapy. No reconciliation.

[clueful]

Only you know what you have been through, put up with and also what you need in a relationship, if you were happy single and that doesnt scare you than good for you. You went to therapy with your wife in good faith and tried to figure out if you could work this out. I'm a firm believer in forgiveness, however sticking it out doesn't equal forgiveness. You may find forgivness easier leaving. It wouldn't be wrong to leave at this point.
And you shouldn't be criticized for staying either. Cheating breaks the Marraige contract. She broke it not you. Do you want to enter another contract with this person? Only you can decide.

[rogersje]

I think you have a valid feeling that this is over for you. And only you can know whether you still love her or not.

Now, what do you do?

First, I would say forgive her and release that load. It may take time, but daily say to yourself that you forgive her. Tell her too, at least once.

Is seperation for an agreed time an option? Do you know why she cheated? Is there something you did or did not do that you need to work on?

I believe that to be the best husband, you have to be the best person. That may mean some self time in which you work on you.