Lost and confused

[Exhausted]

Hello all

Let me tell you the whole story.

My wife and I will be married 10 years this November.

In January of 2011 my wife told me she wanted to go to therapy as she wasn't feeling herself - I asked he if this had to do with me and if she wanted a divorce - she told me that she loved me completely and it had nothing to do with me and she wasn't feeling herself.

One night in March I approach her for sex - she is not in the mood - so I get a little upset - but I go downstairs - seeing she is upset I ask her what is wrong - she goes on with a laundry list of all the things she is mad at me for since before we were married. 1st it was choosing the wedding date - she felt like she had no say in it - they she tells me she doesn't want to have sex so much.

I guess I am an asshole for saying this but before me and my wife got married I told her I wanted sex 5-6 days a week, I didn't want children but I agreed to have 1. I asked her if she was cool with this and she said she did. Now she is starting to hate me because I expect sex to much and she wants another baby. She tells me she loves me but she is not in love with me. I feel like a bafoon and I want to leave but I have a 5 year old (4 at the time) baby and this is the 1st real fight with my wife in 13 years we been together. So I tell her she can dictate the sex and I would be fine with it. So March, April, go by we are having sex appx 2 times a week which is fine with me. May is her Birthday so I take her to the city and after a real romantic day I kinda wanna make love - she gets mad and says she doesn't want to. We have another discussion in June she tells me I am working on stuff and I am trying to figure things out - I told her if things get better between us I would discuss having another baby with her - no promises - but if she was that unhappy about it I would at least give it some serous consideration.

So we are sitting in our backyard in July and she told me that she is happier and enjoying making love more - a few days later we are making love in and I pull out as usual and she is like why don't you just come inside me -- I was like no - she says things are good between us so why don't we have another baby - I said if things were better I would discuss it - not guarentee it -- and I wasn't really secure that things were better and I told her I wanted to go to therapy but she didn't answer me.

Things are pretty much status quo things seem peaceful for the summer and we are having amazing sex - my birthday come and she drops my son at my moms and we have really amazing sex. In Oct I see she is moody and I talk to her and she says she doesn't know if she loves me AGAIN - we have a B-way play to go to that night - I go but I am not in the best mood - the next night we start to make love I tell her I love her - she starts crying and says I love you and I am so sorry - really crying hard.

The next 4-5 is amazing - it's like we are newly weds - she is in bed waiting for me in a nighty when I get home - she is waking me up in the middle of the night to have sex - I am so happy I feel like all my compromising and concentrating on her happiness is working - then right after Thanksgiving - she sinks back down again needing a few drinks to really get into sex - we go to Disney for 4 days before Xmas she is there - but not there - I don't know what to do she is cold and distant.

We get home on 1/7 she gets back to work and her boss really yells at her about a project she is working on and missunderstood -- she is so upset she keeps it in the next morning she puts our son on the school bus and wakes me up hysterically crying and tells me she has to find new work and she can't go into work for a while - I told her we will find her a new job -- I calm her down and she stays home for the day.

Now she says I need to go back to therapy - the old therapist was insane money and did not take insurance so I had heard of a great therapist that works at my sons school she was fine with it but since he is in charge of my sons school he is not allowed to do therapy on parents of students. He recommends a few therapist – she goes once and seems much better – I tell her I want to go to so we can work on stuff. After one visit she says my wife is depressed and my wife wants to go on meds for it she says she needs something. Things are ok we are still having sex regularly I have to go on a trip to California on 1/18/12 the Sat before I leave we have a night of amazing sex – she is so passionate and loving without any drinking I am thinking things are getting better again.

We have sex again on Tuesday night before I leave but it is cold and unfeeling. I leave the next morning – she gives me hug says have fun – but doesn’t say I love you I call her every day from Cali the phone calls are great on Wed, Thur, Fri & Sat – on Sat she tells me “I love you sweetie” I get home Monday morning at 6 AM – now hug, no kiss no I miss you. That night I come to bed and she says I am not in the mood to make love. I say ok you want to snuggle a little – she says ok – but doesn’t come to bed to do it – we’re talking and she says I know that you let me dictate our sex life but I still feel pressure and I don’t want to have sex till I am ready – I ask her if her therapist suggested that – she said no it was her – and she was upset that I thought her therapist might have suggested it. Then I ask her how long and she tells me she doesn’t know. I tell her you’re more important than the sex so I said it’s ok. That week is ok no sex – she goes to her therapist on Thursday and she comes home and tells me that she is ready to have me come into her sessions with her. She says she the therapist thinks that she is angry because she feels like she was forced to have sex with me and we MIGHT be able to work on it – SHE SAID THE THERAPIST DID NOT KNOW WHAT THE OUTCOME would be ( what the hell does that mean ???) So I make an appointment for the both of us we go. The Sunday before our appointment we go on a date to the city for a very romantic dinner and when we get home she says thank you for trying so hard and we start kissing she gets turned on but I am not myself I am freaked what do I do – do I touch her etc. She takes off her pants but I guess I wait to long cuz I am so unsure about what to do we have intercourse for a while but I don’t feel she wants it – I fake an orgasm and we go downstairs after we watch a show and she says thanks for such a nice night and goes to sleep.

We go to the therapist on Tuesday. I actually like her she seems very good. She tells the therapist that she told me she didn't want to have any sex till she was ready, and says and he asked me "how long" sounding like she expected the therapist to side with her. The therapist says of course he did married people have sex. Then we discussed what my wife feels about sex to make a long story short I agree that all physical contact for the next 2 weeks has to be initiated by my wife, I also can’t do anything sweet like buy her flowers, cards, gifts – nothing – that was 9 days ago and we are scheduled to go again on Valentines day Morning – my wife has given me some kisses in the living room etc. But no touching no hugs – nothing else. I am so upset and tired of putting up this front like I am ok all the time while she acts like nothing is wrong – now I can’t get her anything for V-day – I just want to give up and quit but I love her – I can’t help it -- any advice anyone ???

Thanks,

Exhuasted

[Scott Haltzman]

Dear exhausted,
I'm exhausted reading this
When you ask for advice…can identify the specific question that you would like answered?

[Exhausted]

I am sorry about the long winded - but I am at my wits end.

I feel like a little puppy just waiting to see what she wants to do I feel weak - I think NOW she thinks she can do whatever she wants to me and I will just take it.

I am afraid as everyday goes by that there is no affection, touching etc - ( i am not talking sex ) that she doesn't want to be with me anymore.

I don't know if I should stay and try to work it out or just quit I guess. I am tired of feeling less than, not hearing that I am loved. I feel lonely and unwanted - and I don't like it.

What should I do ???

There now this was much shorter

[Scott Haltzman]

Well Exhausted,
That was to the point.

One of the things I write about consistently in the Married Men book is how patient you need to be. Studies show that in happy marriages, sex accounts for about 15% of the happiness quotient, but in unhappy marriages, sex accounts for more than 50% of the distress.

Putting aside sex, I wonder if your wife feels like a priority in your life, and if you have done everything in your power to make her feel special and loved in a way that is meaningful to her.

To answer your question, Stay it out. Don't focus on what you are hearing, focus on what she is hearing. If you try to make your own needs met before your wife gets hers met, it's not likely to be satisfactory for either of you in the long run.

Scott

NB: Scott Haltzman's comments are meant to foster discussion, and do not reflect either medical advice or treatment.

[Exhausted]

Well we went to the therapist together - after 3 weeks she still wants no physical contact unless she initiates it - after reading your book this scares me because I see this is a bad sign for a therapist.

The therapist seems fair - she said that the only complaint my wife has about me is that she felt dominated and had to have sex with me and now she wants to wait till she wants to again. I am good loving and kind to my wife - she told me in the session that she cares about me but doesn't "love me" anymore - she wants to try and get the love back does not want a seperation or divorce but I feel like a sick little puppy just sitting around saying " it's ok do whatever you want and I will sit here waiting" -- so now I think I need to move out - I never heard of a woman falling back in love with someone - so it looks pretty hopeless to me at this point - for the past year I have done everything my wife has asked me. She has told me she wasn't sure she loved me 2 times in 2011 and later said she did love me - this is the 3rd time I am just getting apathetic and the worst thing is I feel like I am falling out of love with her now.

Should I move out, and move on already ???

Exhausted

[Patrick717]

I will give you my opinion - but recognize I'm not an expert nor do I claim to be.

Tell your wife that you are willing to try one more time. Let her decide what to try (therapy, couples therapy, trial separation, etc.), how to try it, when to try it, everything. She is in control and needs to make the decisions. But you can't live this way. I would give her a time limit (i suggest 90 days, long enough for lots of options but it has an end) to figure out what it is she wants to do. If things aren't improving at about 80 days I would start making arrangements to leave and turn everything about the current living arrangement (mortgage/rent, utilities, etc.) over to her. When the time limit arrives - leave. Give her another time limit and tell her that at the end of that time you are filing for divorce. She needs to decide it that is what she wants or not.

Been there. Done that. I ended up divorced but it put an end to waiting around for ... something.