Advice Please

Advice Please

Postby ray804 » Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:56 am

Hey Folks!
I'm new to this, but I truly feel i have no where else to turn right now. I know that is probably not true, but this is just a feeling I have.

First, a little about me. I am 40-years old and have been married now for what is 9+ years. I refuse to say "happily married" because there have been times i've simply felt like taking some pills and never waking up. But honestly, I'm too much of a coward to even do that. I would say that my marriage has had happy bits, but it seems like there is always one argument after another. I'll explain. My wife is 36-years old and is a stay-at-home mom/part-time babysitter for other kids in the area.

The arguments always seem to be about MONEY. Either, I am not making enough money or not giving the family everything the family deserves. Now let me be honest here when i say...I do TRY my hardest to give everything my family wants and deserves, but it is a constant struggle. The issue is...that although I am the primary bread winner in the family it would appear that i never do enough for my wife. As a quote from her "I've ruined her dreams" because we cannot afford a house right now and I live in a small 2-bedroom condo with a relatively high mortgage. My wife seems to live for the rewards of today and does not want to save for the future. Instead, I am told "this is the husband's responsibility!". So, while I struggle to save for a house she has demands in regards to what type of house we should be getting:

1. The house MUST be DETACHED
2. The house MUST have stainless steel appliances.

Now, considering I will be the primary breadwinner and the only one paying the mortgage once we move since she will lose the part-time babysitting this is not something I can afford. I've explained this to my wife and she does not want to compromise in any way (For example...I've suggested a semi-detached).

I've already been told by her that 50% of everything I own is hers and I am free to walk out the house anytime i want and she will not try and stop me. The thing is...I have two kids that I adore and cannot bear to depart. But, she is right. 50% of mine is hers. Since she brought nothing into the marriage since I sponsored her to come to the country and she has nothing I get nothing from her. A lawyer has actually advised me that 52% of my income will go to her and the kids and we will most likely get joint custody of the children. In fact, the lawyer i spoke to...looked me straight in the face and told me "It's better if you just stay married".

I've put up with emotional abuse after I constantly hear about "You're not good enough", "your family makes your decisions", "you never make me happy", "you're so stupid" and so on. Once I heard "I really don't care if anything happens to you, because we would be better off if you weren't here" and the latest "If we divorce you will need to pay me and I will be making more that you and be better off without you"

Really disturbing. I've asked her if we can speak to someone for counselling and she disagrees and refuses to go. She said now that "I am not gonna help you pay any of the bills because it is the husband's responsibility to make sure the wife and kids are happy!" Now my wife does cook and clean and keep the condo clean for me so I cannot complain about her being lazy or anything. I think the attitude I do not like that she appears to have is the I WANT EVERYTHING NOW AND I REFUSE TO WAIT for it.

I believe myself to be a good husband. I may not be the smartest person in the world and am definately not the richest. But I make good money, enough to give the family what they want. I've asked my wife numerous times in the past few weeks what more is it she wants and how can she complain i make her unhappy, but she has provided no answer. I'll let you all know though that right now I am at my wits end! I cannot concentrate at work, I am more depressed that I have ever been and I just life worth it? I'm tired from lack of sleep, I have chest pains constantly and well...tired. Tired of the abuse, tired of the insults, tired of the fighting, tired of the feeling of inadequacy I am just TIRED. That's it.
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Joined: Tue Apr 24, 2012 10:33 am

Re: Advice Please

Postby ThunderHorse » Sat Dec 15, 2012 1:32 am

Your post deserves an answer.

Under the Communication section of this forum, thare are several threads that could be helpful. MY WIFE IS HYPER CRITICAL, PLEASE HELP, COMPLIMENTS FOR WIVES, and LISTENING STRATEGIES FOR MEN.

You do not mention if you have mastered the Boring Baroque Response. You are perpetuating your wife's criticism with the reward of your consternation. You do not seem to understand the art of getting your wife to vent, without getting overly involved in many of the ideas she expresses in venting. There are two chapters on listening to wives in the Secrets of Happily Married Husbands book.

Post back for further discussion. Good luck.

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Joined: Mon Jul 31, 2006 6:10 pm

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