No idea what to do

No idea what to do

Postby Jaslyn101 » Fri Oct 05, 2012 4:35 pm

My fiance and I met 3 years ago. He has two daughters with two different women, I have a daughter and we have two sons together. There is a huge age gap between us. He is in his mid-30's and I am in my early 20's. When we met everything was peachy. we moved in together after 6months of dating and have been living together since. Since i got pregnant with our first son, he has accused me of cheating on him and have been a house wife. due to him constantly accusing me of cheating and talking down the type of people i called friends and talked to before we met, i literally have isolated myself from everyone including my family. My daughter lives with her father and rarely talk to her since he finds it an insult for me to talk to my ex when he is at work all day paying my phone bill. He has a short temper and when we argue he constantly calls me stupid, idiot, dumb, retarded, slow, backwards, i'm lazy, not good for anything but cooking and keeping the house clean, ect. my family is no exception to the insults as well, including my daughter. only his family is the exception because they have class and are educated. despite the insults we do have our moments where he treats me like a queen. he buys me expensive and luxurious gifts. surprises me with flowers, chocolate covered apples, breakfast in bed, ect. he constantly texts women he says are just friends... ive met just a few.
Before our second son, he used to come home every night after work. during one prenatal visit, i tested positive for chlamydia, but i have never slept with anyone other than him. nor do i suspect him of cheating since i honestly trust that he would never do such a thing. then about a month before i had our second son he started investing in a "business" that keeps him away from home days at a time. he tells me what "i need to know" but nothing more about the business. right now we are separated taking a "break". i made a mistake due to a miscommunication i made him loose about $2000 in one night for his business and chucked me out of thehouse. many times hes made me packed my things then change his mind the next morning and say that he never wants to be without me. he has told me at times that he reconsiders wanting to marry me because he doesnt want a partner that will weigh him down intellectually but complement him.
I do try to do everything in my power to make him happy even if it kills me and he knows it. i deal with many sleepless nights cleaning the house, the laundry, tending to the kids, making his lunch for work. he nags me to rest and have some time for myself but when i do he gets mad, calls me lazy because i dont keep up with the house. ive tried to do what i can to make things good and keep him happy. like tending to his needs sexually when he desires but when i desire the need to be satisfied he blows me off. when we have a bonding time, he talks a lot but when i tell him something about myself he ignores me or is not really listening to when later he asks me a question concerning to something that ive told him i point out that we have talked about it. his usual answer is that i get overtalkative and annoying so he shuts me out.
when we argue and he makes me feel worthless and go into a room to cry just to get away from him he follows me and taunts me asking me if ill be running off to cry everytime we argue and i end up getting upset. at those times i just want out. when he wants out and voices it, i usually suggest counseling or talking it out since marriage is a full time job that you constantly have to work at to maintain a happy marriage. he refuses. says its stupid to tell a stranger about your problems and a sign of weakness. what should i do? i know that this sounds mainly one sided but im not sure if we are able to work things out if he is really negative about many things that i suggest or constantly asking if we are right for each other... any advise?
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Joined: Fri Oct 05, 2012 3:37 pm

Re: No idea what to do

Postby Xtracred » Sat Nov 17, 2012 12:29 pm

I'm very sorry that you're in this situation. From what you've stated, your husband is verbally abusing you. On top of that, most likely he is having affairs (how else do you end up with chlamydia), and you are doing way more than your share of household obligations.
Dr Scott says "The No. 1 secret of happy couples is the ability to recognize that your partner has needs different than yours. Rather than judge that partner, or try to change him or her, happy partners accept those differences and strive to find ways to make their partners happy. Those who have happy marriages primarily experience happiness because they see joy in their partner." This relationship is bringing neither of you joy. You are going out of your mind trying to please a man who is refusing to be pleased. Combine his lack of caring with his verbal abuse, and this is a nasty situation.
Your best option, as you have done, is present him with the facts of the situation, you're unhappy and his behavior is unacceptable. Have options such as counseling, books, and recommendations on ways you can work TOGETHER on your relationship.
If he refuses to put any effort in to your relationship, comfort yourself with the knowledge that you tried and the fault is his. You can not drive yourself crazy trying to please someone who is refusing to give you anything positive in return.
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Joined: Sat Nov 17, 2012 11:08 am

Re: No idea what to do

Postby ThunderHorse » Sun Nov 18, 2012 1:05 am

It Does sound like learning the principles handling verbal abuse might help you.

There is a thread under the Communication section entitled, "My Wife is Hyper Critical, Please HELP" The principle of the Boring Baroque Response applies to Male or Female partners.

Thi priniciple is from the Suzette Elgin books, and if your man suggests your have been cheating, for instance, the suggested response could be something like, "Well I am happy that you have a sense of jealousy for me, because Jealousy is part of Love, and i am happy that you love me. Certainly the ideas of infidelity are on TV, in the news, and in movies all the time. I have not been cheating on you, and maybe I could try let you know where I am phoning you when I am running errands and shopping for the household. I do love you and agree that being faithful is important for our relationship.,,, etc etc."

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