Communication problem...help!

[azul]

Hi everyone,

I have a feeling that what I'm about to say just simply highlights that classic problem that men and women have. If it is so classic, how do you solve it????

We've only been married for four months. Overall I have to say that everything is wonderful, just how it should be except for one incredibly big thing that seems to be the source for every conflict we have. Here it is:

It's like I'm speaking Chinese to my husband!!!! We can argue, then talk for hours, he nods his head like he understands, appologizes for something but the next day it's like the converstation never took place.

The initial "thing" that starts the disagreement is usually never significant, however in the middle of the conversation it will become apparent that his desires are always more important. He doesn't put me first, not when it comes to situations that matter. And, he doesn't appreciate how important something happens to be. He always gets up and walks away in the middle of a serious converstation or argument, he will make comments like "well, if it hurts you that your problem" Making a sandwich, or taking a shower or some rediculous thing takes precidence over communication. I feel I constantly have to put my needs on a backburner because I'm not afforded the ability to express them, and when I do he just simply doesn't understand. Then, I become increasingly impatient, something I hate and wish I didn't do because it is counter-productive however, I have so much frustration...which just makes the situation worse.

So, knowing that if he really knew how big of a problem this was he would actually be willing to listen intently, however conveying the severity of the problem effectively is something I haven't been able to do.

We did have a good converstation finally the other day. I explained how I don't feel as though he values me enough to put his needs on hold every once in a while. That I need for him to put my needs first from time to time, not all the time but at least once in a while. He admitted that he had no idea what was happening (although I can't imagine how he can't cause I've said it only a million times!) and that now he felt terrible, he felt like he is a child. Then of course I felt bad, told him that it isn't productive for one person to take blame, it's both our faults and that the point is to figure out how to do it better. He's tried since then, really has but I just feel so alone in all of this. I'm supposed to feel like I have a partner. How can I continue to put his needs first, like a wife is supposed to, if he doesn't do the same for me? He's a good man and I'm surprised he doesn't get this point about marriage.

What am I missing here? Do I need to think differently? How do you learn to communicate better?

[OptimismIsKey]

I’m sorry to hear about your problem. I’m sure this is very frustrating. After reading your post something that stuck out to me was that you have only been married for four months. Usually this is the honey moon stage in a marriage. Was this a problem you experienced while you two were dating? Did you get married too quickly without truly getting to know one another? How well does he communicate with his mother? You’re not alone; many women have trouble communicating with their significant other. Men think very differently than we do. Talking a close female friend may be effective, someone who knows the two of you and your personality types.
You said your husband “nods his heads and acts like he understands”, typical male! What you may not realize is most of the time they are not interested. Men want everything to be straight forward and to the point. Dr. Ski always says, to create positive and effective communicate you need to do a few things. First, learn to feel and communicate with empathy, practice withholding judgment, strive for honesty, approach others as equals, express your opinions tentatively. It seems as though you are doing just that. Men do not express their feelings very well, they cannot help it.
In Dr. Haltzman’s book Secrets of Happily Married Men he shares a list of things men want from a woman. First, know your husband. Second, nurture his needs. Three, fight better. Four, talk less. Five, have lots of sex. Now when you speak to your husband you need to keep number four in mind. Men do not want to hear this long, drawn out stories about our day. They want it to be clear and concise, make your point and move on. I’m not sure what your husband does for a living but perhaps that stresses him, try talking to him before work. Maybe there is a point in the day where he is the most lively and ready to listen. Meet him half way, cook him his favorite meal and ask to talk over dinner. You cannot do all the work that is for sure but this is what being married is all about. Do something nice for him and then be clear when telling him what you would like in return! Being clear is essential; do not beat around the bush, after a few minutes you lose their attention. You seem like a strong women who is doing all she can to make this marriage work, keep it up. If it is meant to be, it will be. Keep in mind though that it takes two to want a marriage, and the same two to keep the marriage going strong.

[dalovdoc]

Hello,
I'm really sorry for you problems, you said your husband has a hard time communicating to you about his feeling, Man naturally have problems comunicating their feelings to other, man are more logical them women, women tend to be more sentimental then man. So easy for your to explain your feelings and it could be really difficult for him to explain his. At same time communication is excential for good marriage, being able to explain each other feelings and expactions of each other is a must in anyone marriage event you only been married 4 months or 40 years.

comming from male point of view and having similar issues in my relationship, i hate talking with my girl about poblems or speaking about an issue for long periods of time, like I mention earlier, us men or pretty logical about how we deal with poblems. It does mean i don't love my girl or that i don't respect her we just dont think about things the same way.But even if don't agree is somethings we learn to deal with it, most people assume that if there is conflict in a marriage, there must be something wrong. The reality is, conflict is part of marriage. If we always agreed with our spouses on everything, imagine how boring life would be. Disagreements happen even in the best of marriages. There are good ways to fight and bad ways to fight.

Those who maintain relationships learn to go into the argument slowly; they avoid accusations such as: “How dare you say that?” and instead share their own experience: “I was really upset when you made that comment.” Don’t panic when you clash. It’s OK to disagree. But avoid contempt, criticism, defensiveness and emotional withdrawal. If you fight fair, you will find that conflict can help you learn about your marriage, so if he doest like talking about his feelings try talking less be dirrect to point dont linger an issues for long period of time.

Hope this help good luck.

[understand224]

Hello,
To my understanding your husband doesn’t seem to listen to or care what you have to say. When he dose listen he feels that his opinions are more important than yours. You also say that “He doesn't put me first, not when it comes to situations that matter”.
In my psychology we learned about this book by Dr. Haltzman’s that is called the secrets to a happily married woman. He says that there are eight facts that help to ensure a happy marriage one of those sections I think will help you. The head line for this section is talk less. It states when talking to your husband you should always get to the point. Tell him exactly what you want or what you’re trying to say in the begging or the conversation. He also says that “Happy couples recognize and accept the differences between male and female communication styles. The wives, especially, let go of the idea that he could be a better communicator if he wanted to. Certain biological differences suggest that he can't! Just because men aren't talking doesn't mean they aren't communicating. Pay much more attention to what we're doing than what we're saying and you're much more likely to see your husband telling you.”
So I feel that you should do what Dr. Haltzman’s says in his book. When talking tell the main point early on so he knows what you are trying to say then you can go on to explain. I also think that you should let him know how you feel when he starts to only see his sides of things. I know you already talked to him about it, but keep telling him. It’s always good to point out when you’re mad of hurt about something because most of the time the guy in your life won’t get the hints that you are upset or they will read the sings wrong. Communication is a crucial part to a successful marriage so dot give up on it and always talk it out