i use quotes because its not a legal separation, but she's living in her own apartment across town.
i am 35, she is 31. we have 2 kids, ages 3 and 6.
we started dating a little over 7 yrs ago, and recently had our 6 yr wedding anniversary.
when we met, we were living about 3 hrs apart, and she was driving to see me on her days off, until we couldnt bear the distance any longer, and she moved in with me.
6 months later, i proposed to her. a week later, we discovered that she was pregnant.
without giving the full details of our relationship, (it'd be a lengthy novel), here's the basic rundown.
met, fell in love, got engaged, got married, had a baby.
3 yrs later had our second child.
during this time, my wife has been a stay at home mom. she gave up her career as an artist, and i continued to pursue my career as an artist.
during the course of the marriage, we've had our difficulties, as relationships do.
ie; "me time" issues... you know, not getting enough solo time, to pursue independent endeavors.
sex issues... not enough, or more specifically, my need for validation not being met often enough. her feeling like i only want her for sex, or that i look to sex as a reward for my day to day responsibilities.
this in turn obviously made her withdraw, sexually.
trust issues... me corresponding with other women via internet and text mssg. (of course i rationalized it, due to the "sex issues")
money issues... me being the sole bread winner, and her not "doing her job", of paying the bills. (she knows i have an aversion to opening mail, and writing checks. i asked her to be in charge of this. i have on several occasions found large paper grocery bags filled to the top with old bills)
smothering issues... her feeling like i try to control her, and that i dont believe she has the ability to make responsible and adult decisions
emotional issues.. me looking to her to be my sole source of emotional support.
parenting issues... us disagreeing on how best to handle certain aspects of raising the kids. i have always felt that they should sleep in their own beds. she feels they should sleep with us (even if it is at the expense of our sex life.)
the point at which things exploded was when i introduced her to my personal trainer, and they developed a friendship immediately.
ie; when he'd mssg me about a training session, it would be something like "see you wed at 1pm"
when he'd mssg her, it was more like " how are you today? how's your body feel? you should come work out at my house!
"
so, i began to get suspicious. partially because at the onset of our training, he told me he had "screwed a ton of his female clients", and because my wife who'd never been much of a text mssg sender, all of a sudden was. she had her phone with her all the time, and it freaked me out.
i looked at her phone records and saw that when i'd call her, it was sometimes during the middle of a call with the trainer. she'd take my call, talk for 2 mins, then hang up and get right back on the phone with him for another 15 or 20.
i then started looking at her computer history, and saw that she was spending a lot of time looking at his myspace and facebook photos.
this was unlike her, and the new behavior freaked me out.
i did come to realize that they are in fact just friends, and i was overreacting to what should have just been considered normal behavior, in a platonic M/F friendship. she's always been friends with guys her whole life, but for some reason, this relationship made me feel threatened. it was probably due to the fact that we'd been fighting a lot in recent months.
she'd recently stopped taking paxil, after a year on, at 20mg a day, pretty much cold turkey, and started smoking a TON of pot. sometimes 15 times a day. this debilitated her to the point where our full time babysitter was doing the laundry, the dishes, taking our son to school, and running basic household errands.. paying the bills, etc. i was insensitive to her need to get healthy at her own pace, and became really critical of her "performance" as a mom and a wife. i'd call the house a few times during the day to check in, and see what she was up to. as i'd expected, she was often smoking pot in her sewing room, or sleeping. when we signed our lease, we agreed that there would be no smoking in the house. the landlord insisted. i felt like my wife was disrespecting that request, and also disrespecting the fact that i'd have to work more hours to cover the fees when they eventually found out that someone was smoking in their house.
she left, feeling like i didnt trust her, didnt respect her, and only wanted her around for sex. also that i treated her as a possession, and a child.
anyway.. on the list goes... lots of "issues". none of which i feel are unfixable, or unworkable.
so, she's moved into her own place, and we are splitting time with the kids. 2 days w her, 2 days w me, 1 day w her, 1 day w me, and then sundays are all of us together, with us alternating weekly, who gets them for that night.
she asked me to give her about 10k in cash to get started, so she doesnt have to continuously ask me for money to pay her bills. ive given her about 8-9k thus far.
she's committed to a 6 month lease, and is studying to be a personal trainer.
we are seeing a counselor once a week as a couple, and 1x a week individually.
she is telling me that i need to use this time to work on myself, and be the best "me" i can be, as she is doing, so we can eventually work towards a healthy relationship. "IF that is in the cards"
i can understand this on many levels. yes, we are both carrying a ton of baggage from this relationship, and from our childhoods. yes, we need to work on ourselves. and yes, its better that we dont fight in front of the kids.
BUT, what can i do in the meantime to show her that i AM working on me?
to show her that while i am committed to the marriage, and making it work, it's not "my main focus".
she thinks that all i am doing is simply to get her to move back home, and not for lasting change.
it couldnt be more untrue.
i'm committed to change. i'm committed to never letting these things happen to us again.
all she seems to want right now is space, and time. (and money)
i went and installed an AC unit in her apt yesterday, and it was friendly, but awkward. i could feel her tension as i looked around, hoping to see a photograph of me, or us.
on the bright side, she's only forgotten to come to one therapy session, and she made it up the next day... and she is still wearing her ring.