14 yrs and having probs

[rjblack9]

Both of us are 40 and married for 14 yrs today, with a 6 yr old son. Our marriage has been routine for over a year now. I work, come home and wife makes dinner. Afterwards I get our son bathed, dressed and in bed. Then I get ready for the next day and watch TV. My Wife is in school and that takes her time and my job is very demanding and I am pretty wore out when I get home.
My wife recently found an old Jr high boyfriend who lives a few hours away. He is married with 2 children of his own. We had them over for dinner about 2 months ago. We hit it off and feel we will be friends for the long run.
About two weeks ago I overheard my wife's conversation with him and I heard her say to him, "It's just flirting, it's not physical". I let if fester for about 5 days before I confronted her about it. At first she denied anything going on but once I informed her I heard her, she apologies for lying and said they talked and ended anything other than friendship, she said she just got caught up. Now mind you she was a military kid who moved around alot and never had long term friends growing up and it was nice to find someone she knew and could have back in her life.
My son and I went on vacation to visit family and for a family wedding, she did not go since she was starting school during this time.
On two occassions she was at her old boyfriend's friends house with about 5 other guys and girls and does not see anything wrong with hanging out with him especially when other people are with them so there is no one on one time.
I went to a counselor and she recommended your book, so I will be buying and reading it soon.
Now that I have laid the groundwork, do you feel this is OK for her to continue a friendship with this guy from her past?
I admit I have been less than affectionate, but my wife rarely wants to have sex to the point I have just shut down and stopped trying. Recently I did get a babysitter and we actually went on a date and it was great and I realize this is the type of stuff she is longing for. But since we got back from our trip of 12 days, she has been happy to see us, hugs and kisses, but the day we got home she sat down and downloaded pics of the new friends to the internet, she did not want to talk about her session with my counselor nor look at the photos I took of the wedding/trip, she said she would later. Day three and no sex, no talking about our situation.
I gave her earrings and a sexy nightie. She forgot our anniversary, I could understand since her school and our son's just started. I am tired and worried and have been contemplating just seperating and moving on, I give and try and get little in return, plus the relationship with this old boyfriend, she acts like it's nothing to worry about, then why is it the only thing on my mind?

[ThunderHorse]

I think of sex in my marriage as stages of foreplay and arousal. I( used to expect sex to happen more quickly. Now I more focus on various stages of massage to my wife.

I also think more in terms what I can do or my wife, and how she will appreciate me. How I cn build a reserve of favor.

I use to argue with my wife, and it may hve been a symionic relationship of how we could make ouselves feel superior, by making each other look or feel bad. Ther is a sesns of supeirority that I can gain by pointing out the mistakes or foible of my wife. I try to refrain fro that,and tyr to focus on making alist of things I wanbt my wife to appreciate me for.

Today I worked on the taxes and bills, so I may mention that she should add feelings of appreciatio to her reserve of favor. Some call it the Love Bank, and making deposits to the Love Bank.

Whehter my wife is true blue, or something less, I just try to find ways to enjoy the time she spends at home, or that we have together. I express ideas of finding small ways to please my wife.




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[rjblack9]

Thanks for your insight. I do alot, but not invested as far as feelings. I clean the dishes during the week, I help our son with homework, get him bathed, dressed and into bed almost every night. On weekends I take our son somewhere for about 4-6 hours and the other weekend day watch him when he plays outside. I clean a room, top to bottom about 2X a month. I mow the lawn, get the oil changed, take out the trash, get snow tires for her car seasonally and reversed, I clean the garage regularly and move stuff around when I clean. I give my wife back massages about once a week and occassional foot massage. I do my son's and my laundry as well as some of hers. Etc, Etc. I recently bought tickets to a comedy concert of a well known comic.
She tells me I lost touch, that my wife and son are not priority. Recently I had an epiphany. I am in the Military and back in 2005-06, I was deployed to Iraq...leaving them was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I did not want to feel this way. While I was deployed I saw death, I got shot at, I saw a HUMMWV get blown up infront of me. When I returned I became distant, not because of the war, or PDSD, I just knew I would have to eventually go again and distanced myself so that when it came back around, I would not be so attached or feel as bad as I did. Well I realized that day, this is not living, this is not fair to my wife or my son. Now I try and try to be a better father and husband, but my wife pretty must has already planned on leaving me once she finishes school. She plans to stay her, if I have to PCS (military move). She hasn't been wearing her ring. I have hit a wall, but I continue to try and be a better husband. I think she has just stopped being "in love" with me...

[ThunderHorse]

It is also about avoiding critical looks. If I do things for my wife, and het I feel like she should be doing those things, and I let her know I resent having to do those things, I lose points.

Marriage can be viewed as a points system. I try to build up more points with my wife, and avoid losing points.

The way you handled the other guy seems reasonable. You asked her to cut back on the the contacts, and keep things more in line with the marriage vows.

Thanks for your service in the Military for the West. Seems like it is West against East these days.

Military mariages take more understanding. The ring, prhases come to mind, like, "It hurts me that you don't wear your ring" or "is ther someting specific you are telling me by not wearing your ring?"

It is crime in some European countries to work more than 40 ours per week. When I am tired, I sometimes don't process my intial feelings. Usually idea about my family come as feelings of irritation to me. So if I don't think about how to prhase a request for my wishes, then my comments seem like criticism. If I am tired, I try to watch what I say.

Any feedback on getting your wife to open up to talk with your unconditional listening, for 15 minutes a day?


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[ThunderHorse]

I agree that changing tires and going to a comedy show are good husband intitiatives. But my opintion does not count. I am from Mars.

You do not mention your wife's opinions of what is valuable to HER. Maybe she has a girl friend at the tire changing place, and she would rather change the tires heself.

I thought of the concept of Residual Points. Maybe your wife complains about giving your son a bath, and you give your son a bath, and your wife gives you short term points,but then later, when she is going to sleeep, she feels guilty not having given your son his bath, and you have lost long term, residual points.

Your comments do not reflect the ideas of INCREASING love from your wife. Love an Respect have the formula for a man to increase love from his wife.


For Women, the Love needs are Couple. Closeness, Openess, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty and Esteem.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... ve+respect

See my Jan 11, 2007 Post on this thread
http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... 180+degree

for The Love Diet and180 Degree Divorce Busters.

Your wife's moves for not wearing her wedding ring, and saying she will not move to your next deployment, indicate some concpets of Divorce. A main idea in divorce, which you have menitoned, is your wife's belief that you will not change.

Therefore, start changing. Try to figure out what she most wants you to change, and change, and see what her response is. Sometimew we don't know what we want our spouse to change. So trial and error is the rule.

Can you give a list of what your wife has asked for changes? Intimated she wants changed? Indirectly suggested?

List everything you might change, and Pick one thing to change for this week.

Your wife does not sound undesirable.

Tell me about how her back musles feel under the massage of your finger tips. Tell me about ths shape of her neck curve, as you gently msassage the muscles around the neck bones. What massage books, tapes, classes, consultants do you use? Explain foot massage to me.



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[ThunderHorse]

Generallyh Men are problem solvers, and women are looking for empathy.

I may be wrong, but this is an example of problem solving, when Empahy might realy be desired, and would give more residual points. Your wife might say something like, "I wish I did not have to interrupt my homeowrk studies to give Junior a bath."

Your problem solving approach has been, "Sure I can give Junior a bath for you." Perfectly logical. Except logic is not winning with women.

Empathy: "Certainly it is an incovenience to give Junior a bath, but that is an important part of bonding, and when you ask Junior to come home earlier than the other kids have to, or ask Junior to bring up his grades in college, you will be glad you put for the effort in now, to strengthen your parenting bonds for he future."

At 6 years old, it is an important time for a boy to develop life-long habits of organizing his room. By doing for ohters, we sometimes cripple them. "Why don't you organize your room, so I can tell your mother you are ready for your bath."

I post to Learn, myself. Yesterday, I was leaving for work, and my wife wanted to talk spider web, and I ware running close to being late, so I was abrupt with her, not unconditional. I sometimes plan to leave earlier, so I have 15 minutes extra, if my wife needs a free flowing conversation time period. I should leave earlier fro work more regularly, to allow conversations to be un-rushed.


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