Will therapy work?

[Smitty]

Hello,
my wife and I have been married for 21 years and together for 25.
She says she doesn't love me anymore and I don't light her spark. We have had a bumpy road with our marriage as I am a control freak, we both kinda are. Family issues etc. We have two handsom boys who I love to death!.
She is 43, and has symptoms of menopause, sweats, mood swings etc. Jumpin around a bit, anyways this is killing me because i love her dearly. She presents are problems with such anger and noooo sympathy to what we had, have left. I asked her to go to counsilling with me. She said yes, but she made it clear that she doesn't want to spend her next thirty years unhappy and if the counciller says its going to take a lot of effort to fix our marriage, then forget it.
For anybody that has been in this situation, is there hope?

Thanks

[socialdistortion]

Dear Smitty,

I definitely think there is hope for your marriage. You say you have been together for 25 years and love her dearly. Something at some point was working for a long time for you two to form such a history together. You sound like you still respect her which is an important element for an effort to maintain the marriage. There are many ‘good marriages’ that just go through ‘bad patches’. The bad can be very bad and seem like they will never end, but many marriages do recover and the couple are happier than before.

A few years ago a couple was going through a very bad time in their marriage; they too had been together for over 20 years. But in the last five years they faced many obstacles which destroyed the relationship. The wife filed for divorce, the husband insisted on marriage counseling first. They tried it out and it was brutal. The sessions seemed to last for hours, the husband thought the sessions were useless, as the counselor just listened, offering little practical advice. The wife referred to the counselor as a ‘fossil’ and it gave her additional support for ending the marriage. They stopped going.

Months later they tried another counselor with much different results. This counselor was much more interactive, even making the wife promise not to file for divorce during the next 2 weeks before their next session. While the wife had no intention of ever returning for a second session, she did, as did he. They were given practical tools that helped the way in which they interacted and behaved toward each other. Things got much better, over the next several months. They are still together now and the husband insists the marriage is better than it has ever been.

Don’t blame your wife for not wanting to go to spend the next thirty years putting major effort into trying to fix your marriage. Who wants to put effort into fixing anything? Try a counselor out, if it doesn’t work, don’t go back and try another. If you are religious, find someone with similar beliefs. If you are academic, find someone educated. Give it a shot. I just might work. Although I am not a big advocate of self help books, I do suggest you read Haltzman’s “Secrets of Married Men/Women” books. They are filled with stories which will have you both nodding your heads saying, “Yah, been there”. Books don’t save marriages but identifying destructive patterns of behaviors can help. Good luck.

[ThunderHorse]

if you are not lighting your wife's fire, maybe it is you that could benefit from counseling.

Are you practicing Chapter 4, Listening to your wife? Can you listen for 15 minutes unconditionally?

What do you want control of, over which your wife is inconsiderate?

How can you change, to make the control issue less impoartant?




..

[Andrea1107]

THERAPY
Message Board: Will therapy work?
You mention that you have been with your wife 25 years and that she is 43 which means you have been together since she was 18. You two have been together for most of her life. Perhaps she is bored with the daily routine and monotony of married life. I don’t think that the relationship is over especially if you are still in love with her. I once read an article of a married couple who had been together over 30 years. The interviewer asked the couple how they survived divorce and what keeps them together. The wife responded that there were times when she felt she couldn’t continue that her love was just not there but that in those moments her husband’s love for her would revive their relationship. In essence she said that when things got tough one of them would not stop loving the other and they would carry each other through hose difficult times.
My suggestion would be to try to spice up the relationship by perhaps being more spontaneous. For example, on a Friday evening tell her to pack a bag you’re taking her away for the night or the weekend and have a little getaway. Sometimes that small break from reality gives you both the chance to focus on each other and not the responsibilities of caring for the home, work or even the children. It is necessary to nourish your relationship in order to keep it thriving. Also, one of the strongest ways to maintain intimacy in a relationship is sustaining a healthy sex life. The endorphins released during sex bond couples and studies have shown that sex is a great sex reliever. Try rekindling the intimacy with your wife like you did in the beginning of your relationship. Pretend like you are courting her for the first time. It may be refreshing to your wife and remind her of why she fell in love with you in the first place. You need to fight for your marriage. Dr. Haltzman says “being married makes people happy” which means that you need to fight for your wife until the end and things will work themselves out.

[MaybachMusic]

I understand that you have been married for a long time and that it has worked out all the way till now. Have you done therapy in the past? Also you made it this far don’t lose hope on it now. I know a couple that has been together since they were 16 years old and they are in there 60’s now. That’s a long marriage and granted they have been in your situation but they have stayed positive and overcome it. She says that you don’t light her spark any more what I have understood from Dr. Haltzman is that you should be creative and not necessarily spice things up but surprise her with something that you wouldn’t normally do. This would catch her off guard and get the wheels turning again.
Also you have touched base on therapy. She says that she doesn’t want to waste time with a therapist. Listen to her also, I have found through Dr. Haltzman that therapists can make or break a marriage and it isn’t always the couple fault in the end. He also says that all therapies are different and some are good for couples and some aren’t. On many occasions couples have gone into the first session talked for a little and found out exactly what they needed and no longer continued to go to the sessions. Some therapists can be negative with some circumstances the couples present to them. Many try to work for you and help mend or rebuild the marriage. Dr.Haltzman says that many people benefit most from solo therapy which is a one on one session with one spouse and the therapist. This creates another channel and sender for communication.
Some suggestions that I propose to you is that the both of you should go in and just try out therapy. Tell your spouse that she only has to do it once and if she isn’t satisfied with it, that’s it and you can leave. If you both would feel comfortable with the solo therapies try it after meeting with the therapist at first. You have been in a long relationship and that is an envy of many people today. Remember to keep good communication and talk it out after the therapy session to see what was gained. Best of luck to you both.

[RelaxAndBreath]

Dear Smitty,
It seems like you love your wife a lot and want to fix the problems in your marriage. Your wife says, she doesn’t love you anymore and there is no spark. It sounds like you would like to rekindle this spark. If I understood correctly you can be a “control freak” at times. How so? In what way(s) do you think this specifically affects your marriage? This would be a good topic to bring up with your counselor. I know you mentioned you are worried there might not be hope for the relationship or your wife loving you again. I can speak from personal experience when I say, there is hope. While growing up my parents did not get along. They had many problems that kept getting worse until they separated for a time. I felt like there was no hope. In the end they started taking counseling seriously and have made many improvements over the past few years. They are happier and closer to one another.
In my psychology class, Dr. Misiurski said, “there are three components of consummate love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. This is known as, Sternberg’s Theory of Love.” The component, passion is having a deep infatuation. It’s that spark at the beginning of a new relationship, excitement, and longing to be with your partner. The component, intimacy sometimes is mistaken as only sexual relations, but this component also means sharing and liking. Examples of this are: sharing time, feeling close to your partner, relaying concerns and joys. The component of commitment means that you and your partner have made a decision to be together and that the relationship is exclusive. Having these three components in a marriage significantly strengthens the relationship.
Keeping the three components of love in mind while trying to mend your relationship will be helpful. For passion, think about when first dating your wife. What types of things did you do that made her happy; lit her spark? I would try doing these things. For intimacy, try to do more things together you enjoy. Share important things with each other, this may help you feel closer by relaying concerns and joys with one another. Keep in mind if your wife is venting or sharing things with you she may just want you to listen and not problem solve. If you’re not sure, try asking her if she would like you to just listen and support her. For commitment, try showing your wife that you really want to make the relationship work. You’ve already taken a great step by asking her to go to counseling together. You might try other things as well, like really putting effort in the goals and strategies suggested in your counseling session.
Fixing a marriage does involve a lot of effort. That does not necessarily mean it would take a long period of time, like your wife fears. If you both work together and try your best the relationship will most likely improve and you will feel happy together. There is also a book many people have found helpful for fixing their marriage. It is called The Love Dare written by Stephen Kendrick. In the book is a 40 day challenge. It is filled with exercises and pieces of advice. The further you go through the challenge the more the steps build to help strengthen the couple’s relationship.
I hope everything works out.

[dragonlilly]

Hello Smitty,

I want to make sure I understand your situation. Your wife claims she doesn’t love you anymore and you don’t spark any feelings inside her. I don’t know anyone who has had a bumpy marriage at one point or another. Just reading your post I can see how much this marriage means to you and that you want it to work out. She is showing signs of menopause, sweats, mode swings and things of that nature. On the flip side I can understand that she doesn’t want to live the next thirty years like this, as I am sure you wouldn’t to also. I know you have suggested a counselor and that sounds like a good starting point but I will give you another suggestion further on.

I was reading over one of Dr. Haltzmans post, from last month. Granted it was for a different situation but I believe it would apply to this situation also. Dr. Haltzman stated “Think about the times you or your partner have said (or thought), “My friends know what I need better than you do,”. Also “These thoughts emerge from an assumption that the least your partner ought to be capable of knowing what you need.” That might be true in some cases but I don’t it would be in the case.

Let me recap, your wife is experiencing signs of menopause, sweats, mode swings and things of that nature. Most of your wife’s friends are probably females. Of course they would understand her better they may be experiencing the same feelings. Not trying to offend anyone but most men don’t understand medical things women go through.

Life I said in the first paragraph, I believe counseling is a good choice. Although, has she seen a doctor for the symptoms she has been experiencing? If she truly is going through menopause that will bring on depression, mood swings anxiety. It might just be that the chemicals are off in her body. If you don’t think she will be open for the discussion she can look up information also online about menopause. There are many avenues you can turn to before this marriage is over. I feel you have a great chance to bring the spark back.

[jwhitwam]

Dear Smitty,
You have been together with your wife for a total of 25 years now. You say you still love her but she no longer has any feelings for you? She agreed to go to counseling with you but doesn’t want to continue or make any effort to save your marriage if it’s going to take a lot of work? You don’t think there is any hope left for your relationship but there always is.
You say she is going through menopause and all of the symptoms that accompany it. This could be a huge indicator or factor as to why she is acting the way she is acting. She could be going through a lot of stress which is affecting her mood and the way she would normally behave. Though you may have stated this as an excuse for her to justify her no longer loving you. As I have learned in Dr. Misiurski’s general psychology class an Optimistic Explanatory style uses external, unstable, specific explanations for negative effects.
You have put in reasons on her part for her not wanting to be with you anymore but you have failed to state things about yourself of what you are doing or not doing on your end of the relationship for her to not be in love with you. Your wife said that she does not want to put in a lot of work to fix your marriage. She could already be tired of putting in work and getting nothing out of it that she has deemed it pointless to continue anymore. You said you loved your boys dearly and I will assume that your wife does also. Soon they will be grown and it will come back down to being just the two of you again.
I suggest that both of you give a chance for therapy if not together than separately. You may receive more help that way. You said that you were both control freaks. That might be a good place to start working on to change your ways. Be more responsive to her and talk out your issues in a calm manner. After being together for 25 years, if she does not feel a spark it may be because you have been with each other for so long you are stuck in an everyday routine. It may be time to switch things up and surprise her with different things that you would not normally do and that she would least expect yet enjoy.

[Tagargano]

You have been with each other for a while now so things can get old and boring, like you said there is no spark anymore. With both of you being control freaks it can have a huge impact on your relationship. There is obviously a common love of your two boys which can help keep your relationship going. I understand she has symptoms of menopause which can be exhausting for both of you. I can tell you are really trying to save this relationship but you do not have too much time.
In my psychology class I have learned a lot about therapies. There are two types of therapies but you would use Psychotherapy. Psychotherapy is the use of psychological techniques to treat emotional, behavioral, and interpersonal problems. “All forms of psychotherapy assume that psychological factors play a significant role in problematic emotion, behavior and thoughts.” Psychological techniques are used to treat psychological problems.
I believe this type of therapy could really help your marriage. You will learn techniques to treat emotional problems which you are definitely experiencing. This will help with your partner not loving you anymore and with you wanting this relationship to work with everything you have. You will also learn techniques to treat behavioral problems which will help with your wife’s anger and having no sympathy to your relationship. The last thing you will learn is techniques to treat interpersonal problems which will help communication between you two and how you feel about each other.
I think there is still hope for this relationship. Trying therapy will not hurt. I think symptoms of menopause is a huge factor in this problem. You should really try to help her through this stage in her life and let her know you care and that you are there for her. You both need to talk about what is best for your boys and what you want for them. Try something new with your relationship do something you have never done before. I know that sometimes I get bored with my relationship due to doing the same things over and over again. But when I am surprised with maybe some flowers and a new spot to eat excitement is back in my relationship. Show her why she fell in love with you in the first place. With a little more communication, some new surprises and maybe some therapy I think you can get your relationship back on the right track.