Therapist said marriage is over after second session

[Providence462]

I honestly can't believe it. My wife and I went to marriage counseling a week ago and then decided to go for a second session. During the session the marriage counselor informed us that he thinks the marriage is over (and, that, he thinks it would be a good idea if we came back for sessions some time later to talk about what we liked about the relationship but not to re-couple). There is no physical abuse, additiction, or infidelity in our relationship, but we do have issues.

The main issue is that my wife told me that she loves me but she is not in love with me and she is not sure if the feelings can come back. We went into marriage counseling asking the therapist if we can find a way to reconnect. In our second session the therapist thought that my wife doesn't really seem to want to do the work. My wife said that a big part of her wants to work but a big part of her doesn't. The therapist basically said we have no hope rather than trying to help my wife and I see if there is anything that we can build on to try to reconnect. A big problem my wife has is the fact that we could go through therapy and put the work in, but her feelings might not come back. I think that at least we would have tried and maybe the work that we do would help us to get past some of the issues that we do have. Isn't that the point of therapy?

I'm currently reading the Secrets of Happily Married Men and I took the cautions about marriage counseling to heart, but I thought in the first session that there was some hope that the therapist might help rather than say it's over after two sessions. I'm just so confused at this point.

[Scott Haltzman]

Outrageous! Silver lining: sometimes a therapist can be so off about your ability to heal your marriage, so ignorant of the history that brought you there, and the tribulations you've overcome, that such an thoughtless suggestion can help you to bond together even more--finally there's an enemy more intolerable than your spouse!
What did you wife make of it?
-Scott

[Providence462]

What did you wife make of it?
-Scott

I think that it just reaffirmed all of my wife's negative feelings. One of my extremely close friends who I have confided in had a good point in that "What if the therapist said that he saw hope, would that have changed your wife's feelings?" My wife and I have been separated for 6 weeks, so basically the therapist said that he would have been hopeful if my wife said that when she was away from me that she "longed for me" or "had a desire for me". I litterally got a little angry at this comment and said to the therapist, "My wife says that she's not IN love with me right now, so wouldn't her having a longing for me mean that she's IN love with me?" The therapist tried to say it another way, but he just repeated himself... then my wife chimed in and actually said it how I said it, but the therapist just repeated himself again. Ugh.

I really do not know if my wife wants to do the work at this point. We talked for a long time outside of the office and my wife said that she has been making choices more emotionally now because she feels like all we've done is make rational choices. She also feels like I've been looking at things too rationally (which I am trying to change). We later had it out on the phone and I expressed my anger to my wife, but our conversation cooled down at the end. My wife has already noticed changes in me and I told her that I am continuing to change and want to give her the passion that we both deserve. I told my wife that I didn't think her feelings would come back automatically after just a few weeks of seeing changes in me (we've been seeing eachother and "hanging out" together alone recently... I call it dating, she might not). My wife wondered how long we wait and I said maybe we try a few months, and, if things are not progressing, then we deal with it at that point, but, if they are progressing then maybe we extend it a few more months. My wife joked that we obviously do not have a therapist any more and I laughed. My wife said that she needs some time to think.

I'm just continuing to try and be patient and loving because that's all I can do at this point.

[ThunderHorse]

May have posted one sentence, finger slipped.

Keep listening to your wife, unconditonaly, 15 min a day, and stop going to the therapist.


What bothers you about what your wife talks about?

How she comes home very night, but she is not excitedly in love with you?

So feelings and emontion go through cycles, ups an dwns, hills and valleys, so mariage is about trying to get things back injto euphoria, but relaizing that is nto a constant.



..

[dunlap33]

Wow! and you should end it because the therapist said so!!

I would love to know what is your wife reaction.. it seems you don't want to end it, but what about your wife?

[Robert Nash]

I do not think it is going to reconnect. Your wife is not sure about her own feelings and she is very confused about you. As you are living separately for 6 weeks, it means she is very determined about the separation. There is no specific problem in this case. So I think it will be a very tough case for any marriage counselor.

[ThunderHorse]

In a 2010 post on this thread, I mentioned Listening for 15 minutes per day, for as husband to help a woman vent, as part of a marriage partnership. There is a thread under COMMUNICATIONS, entitled "Listening Strategies for Men."


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