Is there hope?

[woeisme]

My marriage is torture. My wife has given up on me.

I fell in love with my wife about 12 years ago. Things were great. I really did truly love her with all my heart. Soon into our relationship she started putting pressure on me to distance myself from anything that wasn’t her. This included my family and all time spend with friends. My family lives on the other side of the country and she would complain able having to visit them once a year. Soon, I wasn’t taking trips to visit my family because I didn’t want to upset and stress her out. She also started showing signed of insecurity by not wanting me to spend time with my friends. So I slowly stopped doing that. I soon found months and years had gone by without having anyone else in my life but my wife. I considered this a sacrifice worth making at the time. We got married about ten years ago and my life seemed ok for a couple of years. Then as work stress accumulated I started drinking heavily. Every day I would drink from the time I got home to the time I went to bed. This continued for years as I slipped into heavy alcoholism. The alcohol not only impacted my health but our relationship. I replaced communication and intimacy with alcohol for years. A few years after I became an alcoholic we decided to have a daughter. We had trouble getting pregnant so we had to see special doctors (it was my problem). We eventually got luck and conceived a daughter. But the drinking continued for another three years until I got a DUI. The DUI was probably the best thing that could have happened since it forced me to stop drinking and get help, which I did. When I was busted I asked my wife for help and she declined, citing evidence that she would just be enabling me, she said ‘no’. I wanted support, advice and companionship, but I got nothing. Since I stopped drinking I have found that I am in a failed and empty marriage. My wife has emotionally abandoned and given up on me. So I have no friends, no family and my wife does not love me anymore. The pressures of work have gotten far worse with the economy. I have no escape with alcohol, I come home to a wife that resents me, does not respect me, shows no compassion, respect or trust towards me. I cannot find much positive in our relationship.

We put up with each other and try to not fight but we haven’t really had any real intimacy in about six years. We haven’t had sex in about three years. We haven’t slept together ourselves in about five years. I fear our marriage is basically over.

As I stumble through recovery and recognize our marriage is broken I have tried to get her to go to counseling. She has refused. I have asked if we could talk about our marriage. She said she does not want to talk about ‘those things’…ever. So here I am, stuck in a marriage with a wife that doesn’t like me. I want to have some reasons to love my wife but I can’t find many. The only reason we are still married is that we have a daughter, we have financial ties together and I’m scared of giving up on us. But I honestly don’t know what to do. She doesn’t want to talk about or work with me to get help. What should I do next?

[ThunderHorse]

Why should your wife go to counseling? What do you want her to change? You want her to love you because you stopped drinking?

Drinking makes you less sensitive to your wife. So what are you doing now to be more sensitive? Have you gone to counseling? The Secrets of Married Men book has two chapters on listening. Your wife is apparently willing to talk to you. If you are asking her to go to counseling, it seems you could work on your unconditional listening skills. Listening comes before Sex. Listening unconditionally 15 minutes a day. You are going to have to earn your wife's TRUST, to be complimentary, before she will talk to you again.

Search The Love Diet. This is how to create love.

Congratulations oan stopping drinking. What are you doing for your daughter? What copliments are you giving to your wife an daughter? Search compliments. You do not mention how you have tried to develop the skills and habits of giving sincere, deserved compliments.


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[woeisme]

When I said my wife won't go to counseling, I meant marriage counseling...for the both of us. I'd like her to forgive me for abandoning her emotionally over the years, but I don't think she ever will. When we used to discuss our relationship she would explain how I deserve being mistreated because of 'what I had done to her'. I have gone to counceling and continue to. Until about six months ago I tried to talk to my wife, about our problems and how we could improve things. She soon stated that she is through talking to me about such things. So we won't talk to me about our relationship, she won't go to marriage counseling and is basically ignoring me most of the time. It is like living with a ghost. I continually reach out to communicate with her but it never goes very well. For example I'll ask her how work is going or how her day was, she usually just started explaining how terrible everything was that day etc. I sit there and listen until she's done, try to offer encouragment where I can and that's pretty much the end of it. She has back problems also, so I'll ask her how she is feeling. Again, mostly negative results about how it still hurts and isn't getting better. She never ever asks me how I'm doing, how my day went, how work is going or what I think about anything really. Honestly, I feel like all I do is listen. I compliment my daughter all the time. I find it hard to compliment my wife, I don't know what to compliment her on. When I do she seldom thanks me, at least I don't remember the last time she thanked me for anything I have said or done.

[ThunderHorse]

It sounds like you are doing a good job of listening, while your wife talks about her concerns.

Some wives do not ask their husbands to vent about their day.

Becaus it is difficult to find ways to compliment your wife, does not mean that you should not try. Mayb when your wife is talking about problems at work, or problems wihther back, you can find a way to slide in a compliment.

"You have good social skills to restrain from telling off your boss, or co-worker."

Here is a thread on compliments for wives.

http://www.secretsofmarriedmen.com/phpB ... .php?t=477


I have developed the habit of asking my wife for compliments. "Please notice that I trimmed the front tree, and tell me I did a good job." My wife usually gives me compliments if I ask for praise.


I used to expect my wife to offer recognition of my effort voluntarily.


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