My Marriage is over - is it too late to save?

[Artemus9]

Dear Maginty,

Thanks for the return post. You have good social detail here, but I am seeing that most interactions of the past seemed to end as you or your husband, and in some cases your relatives, never seemed to have enjoyed them in the first place. I am reaching this only through your reporting here, but that's the picture that I see painted.

Is there something more positive in your history between the two of you? What did you love to do, that he would admit now also used to be great? Perhaps, if it was real, there is still a spark worth saving somehow. Unfortunately, sometimes the negative gets heavier and heavier, while the positive gets to be less and less.

I was also hearing that your husband is a man of regularity in both actions and his relationships, and perhaps that would extend to some of his family members too. Playing five days a week, when you're married, is a lot. (Expecting your wife to come, watch, and love it is asking too much, but that might be just me) It seems that he had his friends and their game routine, and getting married wouldn't necessitate a change: good guy time, less wife time.

His dinners with his family is the same thing in a way, and perhaps his family didn't want to let go either when you were married. They could still have each other whether you were there or not, and it sounds like you never really bonded with his family on a personal level for some reason.

What I am hearing is that you added yourself as an accessory to his life, and that the both of you never really began a new complete life together. Perhaps that is just what he was looking for. Perhaps that is all you wanted to be. That seemed ok for a while, but it is obvious that you are miserable with that arrangement, and he is not accepting of you being miserable.

What to do? I would try honesty, because you may just not be able to be the wife he wants, and he may not be able to be the husband you want. Or, you might be, but you need to figure out what those two roles really are in this case. (think of your parents' roles and his parents' roles on this one)

Good luck.

[ThunderHorse]

You are right. I don't think there is much left in this marriage for me. He has gone and all he wants from me now is money.

There may be an oppositional element in your husband; figuring out what you want, and then doing the opposite, while concocting logic for the transfer of blame.

So if he figures out that you finally want to dump him, he may then change, to try to get you back. So if you do want to move on, you may want to play those cards close to your vest.

Saying something like, "Well I am certianly glad we are ending THIS marriage." may be truthful, but may create a game that will be more difficult to play, than if you just continued to appear sad.

"I sure wish we could have worked something out."

//

[Maginty]

What I am hearing is that you added yourself as an accessory to his life, and that the both of you never really began a new complete life together. Perhaps that is just what he was looking for. Perhaps that is all you wanted to be. That seemed ok for a while, but it is obvious that you are miserable with that arrangement, and he is not accepting of you being miserable.

Hello Artemus

Finally, someone who thinks that asking me to go five nights a week to watch and be as enthusiastic as my husband about his sport, is too much. He couldn't see why watching just isn't as exciting as the doing of the activity...I'm glad you do.

The problem with marriage counsellors is that they are too busy pussyfooting around trying not to agree with one partner or the other that it is hard to sort out problems.

Some times it just needs someone to say what needs to be said.

"Hey guy, why despise your wife because she kept getting sick standing in the rain and cold watching you play sport? Do you like her being sick? Why wouldn't you want to encourage her to come to sports when she wanted not make her feel guilty and make sure that if she does go, her health isn't suffering?"

Yes, he did make me feel like an accessory in his life.

He once told me in his minds-eye he thought when he had found his life-partner he could see her sitting on a bar stool across the table from him and his friends.

That picture paints an interesting picture. He life hasn't really changed except there was an extra facet to it. Something that he knew was missing but didn't know what to do with....

I tied to explain that we whoudl be spending more time together building a joint life together and although it was cool to have a special place for our single friends that now that he was married, he should feel less excited about going out with his single friends when all they wanted to do was go "tomcatting".

I explained to him that it is normal for couples to go through the "honeymoon period", a time when they only have eyes for each other and want to be alone together more often than not until they get their fill of each other and then come back up for air and emerge back into the world.

He really didn't understand what I was talking about but didn't ask me questions or discuss it further with me. He told me later that he reduced the time he spent with his friends (and his family) but it didn't "work" as I was just trying to do really was to isolate him from his friends and family.

It was like he didn't get it.

We had a whirlwind courtship but it was almost like once he married me, he didn't have to make an effort anymore and he could go back to living the batchelor life he had always lived.

I remember one night when I told him he couldn't just run off with his friends for the night with 5 minutes notice and he looked at me with this look of rage in his eyes and said "why? I don't owe YOU anything. You don't control me."

And then to a counsellor he said "I never used to do what I wanted but now I do and it has liberated me".

Yep, it sure has. He has been liberated to the fullest extent possible.

No-one will miss him when he is home late or be worried about him working in the rain. No one will be urging him to put away his accounting books as it is late and come to bed. No-one will be there to snuggle up to or make love to or to tell him that he is cared for and loved more than any other.

I hope he values his liberation as it has cost him dearly.

[Maginty]

Hi Maginty,
Heck, it's a challenge to be married to ANYONE, but people with BPD have pervasive trust issues, and do tend to be all or nothing thinkers. Unfortunately, you've faded from the "All" category to the "Nothing."

Thank you for your welcome Scott. I read your book "SoHMM" and thought that it made a lot of sense.

I think for me, it is hard to put a lot of it into practise due to my husband's BPD. He keeps saying that he can't trust me, never has and never can. I don't know why he went from trusting me to not trusting but like many BPDs, now that he has made that decision I am 110% untrustworthy and nothing will change his mind.

As you said, I have moved from the "all" category to the "nothing" category.

[devine14]

Maginty,

So you have been struggling with the fact that it seems your husband is ready for divorce. You said that from the beginning of your marriage he did not seem to change his life style into that of a married man. Was this the way he acted before your marriage? Was there a time that when he did go out with his friends were he was unfaithful either before or after you had married him, besides the dating websites you have recently found? Also you say that his sister has gotten involved in your relationship and I am sure that is not an easy thing to deal with, especially when he seems to be taking her side. During the few times that the two of you have seen each other since you have moved into separate homes, have the two of you discussed going back to counseling again?

You had said that you have both gone to see four different counselors, which hasn’t seemed to work. Here is something to think about, according to Dr. Scott Halzman’s article, Hope Needed, How Marriage Therapists Make or Break Marriages, he believe that “any couple who attends marriage counseling voluntarily has a hope for keeping their marriage whole.” Now I can ask you this, when you and your husband attended these sessions with each counselor where you both fully committed to the idea of fixing your marriage? Dr. Scott also says that according to a consumer report on counseling most therapists help most people but by the time couples go to see a therapist they already have “one foot out the door” so to speak. For couples who are in a predicament much like yours he suggests that the couples try individual therapy. This tends to be very effective because you can speak your mind and get down to the way each person truly feels without feeling the pressure of their partner being in the same room.

Don’t give up hope just yet. It seems that you love your husband and are doing all that you can to keep your marriage together. I think that it is important for you to do what you are doing however, you need to make sure that you are not the only one who is putting in all the effort. Your husband may have already decided that he want to end your marriage, but if you are both committed and work to solve your issues there is still hope so don’t give up yet!

Good Luck with everything!

[mmaceia]

Hi you were married for four year but have been separated for twelve months. Because your husband has been looking for women on the Internet and acting single with his friends. You’ve got counseling as a couple but it hasn't worked, your husband said it isn't like it used to be.

There is a theory my professor Dr.Muisiurki quoted called the detachment process". Severing bonds produces a predictable sequence of agitated preoccupation with the lost partner, followed by deep sadness, and, letting go the old and starting a new beginning.

In this case, you and you husband seem on the edge of divorce and have been apart for a year now. The question becomes are you guys communicating still or are you not talking. Sometime people need time to see what they’re missing to miss it.

As a husband and a man who's not only a newly wed but has been together with my wife for twenty years space is key left each other go out have there fun as long as they come back to you.
Trust is and communication is key.