I want to do the right thing, but this sucks

[TheBlackRock]

My wife and I have been married for 19 years and we have three great kids. A few years ago I thought we had one of the best marriages around. That was until I found out she was having an emotional affair with some guy. I confronted the guy who was married and he said the relationship was not aprropriate for two married people. We worked through this and about a year later I followed her to another guy's house who was single and I told her I was done and this was too painful and I wanted a divorce. She cried and told me she was messed up. I was emotionally floored and ended up going on anti-depressants for a few months.

I realize I was not a perfect husband and that I was selfish in pursuing my own goals and hobbies (getting a master's degree and competing in triathlons). I felt I was still connecting with my wife because she seemed happy in the relationship. We went to marriage counseling and she said that throughout our marriage she did not feel that I loved her. She said she did not come out and say this directly because she wanted to be a perfect wife and mother. Since then I have read several relationship books and I have really tried to communicate, have regular date nights, help more with the kids, house work, etc.

I feel like my wife has given up on our relationship. She is a good mother to our kids but is very condescending and distant with me. She is verbally abusive and speaks to me V-E-R-Y S-L-O-W-L-Y like I am retarded if I don't hear what she says. My wife will not touch me, even though I told her that was my "love language". I instigate almost every conversation otherwise it’s dead silence when we are together. When I ask her to go out on a date she says yes but then comes up with some excuse to get out of it. Sometimes she won't tell me about sporting and other activities she has signed our kids up for and I happen to find out later. She told me the only reason she married me is because I wanted to and she didn't know how to say no and that she was too young (19). I asked her if she wants to get divorced but she says no. My self esteem is very low when I am around her and she puts me down in front of the kids. I asked her if she wanted to go back to the counselor and she said no.

I'm at a loss as to what I should do. I love our kids very much and do not want to mess up their lives. I think my wife is content to stay married as long as I keep my distance. I would like to have a relationship but how do you do that when the other person doesn't want it? In short the situation sucks, and I feel like I am being selfish when I think about divorce. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks.

[Patrick717]

I know your post is about 6 months old but I am posting hoping you are still around. I am no expert on these areas and can only comment based on my background and experiences. But here is my comment anyway -

Your wife is using you. It may be for money. It may be for a roof over her head. It may be for the appearance of being married while she runs around. It may be "for the kids" - whatever that really means. If you are OK with that stay where you are and keep doing what you are doing. If you want a real relationship, you need to have a serious conversation with her. For better or worse I would start it with -"I am not happy with our current relationship and want to make it better. If we cannot make it better, for both of us, then I will be filing for divorce. Which way do you want me to go?" Be ready to list specific issues/areas you want to improve and how you want them to improve. Also be ready to change some of your behaviours to meet her needs.