Worst Therapy Experience

[road biker]

My wife & I have been struggling for a few months & I asked her to go to couples therapy with me. (I should have reread the beware therapy section of Scotts book) We have been married 16 years. I explained my point of view but when she explained hers but it was lies & gross exagerations. She told the therapist that I was physically & emotionally abusive. I have never struck my wife & cringe at the thought. I did throw a remote control once, about 10 years ago but not at her. I played baseball so if I had wanted to hit her I would have. She said I yell at her. Which is true but normally only after she has yelled at me.

The therapist then asks me which of my parents was abusive. He had known me 30 minutes! My folks were married 62 great years & rarely argued. I remember they would alway spend 30 minutes after my Dad got home from work just to talk about the day; kids were to stay out. Talk about good communication. Anyway, the therapist took her word for everything. When I tried to tell my side, he said I was in denial. I left shell shocked.

My wife said that I move her around the country every 5 years to keep her from making friends & to isolate her. We have moved twice in 15 years & the last move was because she hated where we were living & she had no good friends. It seems like she must blame me for whatever is bothering her.

My problem is that I love this woman & until this therapy would never had considered divorce. Now I'm not so sure. It was 2 days ago & she refuses to talk about it, she is thinking it over.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Is she just trying to 'win' at therapy.

Can anyone top this for a bad therapy experience?

[aceofspades]

Women do know how to whine and can use that effectively. Are you guys struggling with conflicts?

[stigg]

Are you parents? Are kids or finances causing conflicts? Some therapists might be better than others, actually.

[roadie]

Has anyone experienced anything like this? Is she just trying to 'win' at therapy.

Hi road biker,

I haven't been to couples therapy b4 but I think that some people need to feel they are the bigger victim in a situation like this. This is the kind of thing that puts me off couples therapy to be honest.

Have things improved in your situation? Did you go back?

Good luck,
roadie

[diiknow]

Women do know how to whine and can use that effectively. Are you guys struggling with conflicts?

Give me a break. Men know how to whine as well and just as good. How many men have you seen want something and pout, throw tantrums and act like a child until they get it?

Back to topic:
Some therapists aren't cut out to do couples work, period.

Throwing things (regardless of whether it was at her or not) and yelling is NOT the way to go, it only escalates the situation. Someone needs to keep a cool head through any situation, if it isn't her it has to be you. Is it tough? You bet it is. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that.

Good luck with it all Road

[rogersje]

First get a new therapist!



When your wife says you are abusive or whatever, I was told to calmly and neutrally to ask for specifics. The four W, just the facts, what was actually said, etc. Let her do a data dump and continually ask "is there anything else?". Try to focus on what she is saying but also the feelings she was having. Then ask "Do you want to hear my side?". Then respond, not defensively, to each item. If you owe her an apology, offer one. If she misinterpreted what you said, rephrase. I have experienced that many times we load into such interactions things that we think we hear, but was never really said. Then you can really assess if this is real and you have some work to do, or is it her interpretation. Ask her “do you expect that there is no anger in marriage? How would you suggest I express myself? When, exactly, did I hit you? Where did I hit you? What did I use”. This is not to get her to defend herself, but to get to the bottom of what is going one. You must stay calm and cool in all this.