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PostPosted: Thu Nov 16, 2006 5:22 pm
by Trap_me_forever
I am at a loss. My boyfriend, whom I live with, told me that he's been thinking alot about his life. He's 26. He said he has realized that this is what his life will be like from now on. I asked what he meant and he said that he will be with me, here everyday, for the rest of his life and that is how his life will be. It is all "set" now. I was like....okay and that is bad...? He said no, but he said it's just that he has made his choices and here they are. No more freedom, decisions, new women to sleep with, it will just be me and him.
I am loving our relationship. We have been together for 1 year and a half. We don't really argue, we go out, we stay in and watch movies, I make dinner alot, we both work. I am very happy, and happy to make him happy, and the way he said all this stuff totally threw me. I was in the middle of giving him a back rub and had to stop. I went downstairs and quietly cried. He came down and said that he loves me and wants to be with me, but he has never been at a point in his life where he was set in his way. He used to go out and party, bang whoever whenever, just do whatever he wanted. He said he is realizing that is over and he has to be a grown-up now. I asked if he wants to end our relationship. He said not at all. He kept telling me loves me and intends on being with me. He just is thinking about how he is done planning his life now though.
I am so unable to grasp this. He is worried about being almost 30 too! I am 39. I am worried about being 40, hell 30 is young! 40 can be young too. I told him I am not planning on being bored. I want to start to really enjoy life and he is part of that. My kids are grown. I am free to go wherever. (He doesn't want to have any kids). I felt that we were a great match! He is making me feel like we are entering a death sentence. He is so....resigned when he says these things. I am scared. He said he wanted someone, mature that doesn't play games-me, open/honest-me, fun-loving-me, we get along so well. I don't know where this is all coming from. He says I make him happy and all that, but now I am thinking maybe I should walk away.

PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 9:39 pm
by ThunderHorse
Dear Forever,

What I do is envison things that I would like to do with my wife, when I get home, and then work into trying to make those fantasies, relaities.

I would like my wife to ask me, "Tell me about your fantasies, and what steps I could take toward helping you fulfill your fantasies today and tomorrow?"

I often avoid telling my wife about my wishes, because she has given me a blocking signal in the past. "What fantasies are you not telling me about, because I have given you blocking signals in the past?"

The Man-woman partnership should be about fulfilling fantasies.

My wife likes to watch DVD's where the people have their clothes on. I wish she would loosen up a little.

What do you feel I should do? I am not clear on your message

PostPosted: Sun Dec 17, 2006 10:41 pm
by Trap_me_forever
I envision, what he wants, but he wanted a massage and then starts saying how he feels stuck....what are you saying?

PostPosted: Mon Dec 18, 2006 9:33 am
by ThunderHorse
Dear Forever,

Mostly I try to deal with questions that lead to concepts and answers on forums.

ask him,

"What do you feel stuck about? What else?"

"How can we take steps toward your not feeling stuck?"

"What are my boundaries that are holding you back?"

"What additional steps can we make towards your not feeling blocked?"

"What freedoms are you gaining in your relationship with me forever?"

"If you had the freedom to play the field, you would lose your freedom for inimacy without fear of STD's. How can we create a feeling of more variety within our monogamy?"

I look at my marriage as a freedom from concern about STD's, pregnancy, Unintended Fatherhood, etc.

These may not be the best questions, so give me more feedback-guidance.

You seem to be asking the questions, "Should I continue a relationship that traps my man?"

I am suggesting the question, "What can I change so that my man feels as untrapped as possible?"

You stated your man asked for a massage. Another question could be what else does my man desire that he is not asking for? Why is he not asking for additonal things he wants? What else can I do to satiate my man, so that he feels free?

I mentioned that my wife is blocked emotionally about enjoying erotic images. A good percentage of men feel more satiated with erotic images before and during inimate relations. A large percentage of men have experienced ridicule in following their interest in erotic images. Many men repress, or deliberately cover up, their interests in erotic images.

I tried to bring up the issue of satiation and DVD choices, in my earlier post, but you did not pick up on my meaning. What are your limits? What limits can you revise? How much would this mean to your man's satiaton and feeling of freedom? Will your man be honest with you? How will you get to the real truth? What have you offered? What have you rented and tried? Is there any risk of an addiction issue? What are your joys?