Requesting Aspects of Respect

Requesting Aspects of Respect

Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Feb 05, 2007 1:09 pm

There is a section in the SECRETS book that recommends, "Ask for what you want", Chapter 10.

I would like more respect for my work professions, for my religious and political ideas. I would like more consideration for my wife to accompany me to social situations, with a suporting wife.

My wife has a natural tendency and inclination to find fault with me, otherwise make me wrong. Builds her self-esteem.

But I am not doing an optimal job of asking for what I want. So I started this thread to work on my side of the equation.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Sun May 13, 2007 8:42 am

Currently I am wroking on being a better coach for encouraging my wife to give me more respect, and find ways to be more inspiring to me.

Today, I asked my wife that while she went ot church, and listend to others speak of principles and beliefs that are different from my beliefs, that she realize that I am the one who will be taking care of her when she is sick, as she becomes elderly, and that I will be leaving her extra benefits to take care of her in her old age.

I encouraged my wife to remind her married friends to be respectful to their husbands, as they listen to countervailing ideas.

Women are motivagted to have chldren up to age 40, and care for their children, till 50 or 60, an then motivated for companionship in their old age, and help with their grandchildren above 60.

Wives are motivated to be accepted by their friends, family and church and fellow workers. Undestanding the motivations of my wife, is important to being able to effecgtively coach my wife to give increased resepct and inspiration.

I am considering enlisting the assistance of other women in coachin my wire. Rich, Famous or just thoughtful women, who would encourage my wife to respect my ideas and beliefs may be hepful in my coaching efforts.

Perhaps asking my wife to consider how to balance her competing motivational interests, so as not to cut me down, but actually how to best build me up, could be a coaching goal.

Women have motivations to undercut their husbands, serving he motivation of keeping their husbands from having the ability to move on or away.

A. A feeling of desire to prevent their husband's from straying to War or other women.

B. A feeling of desire for assured companionship in old age.

C. Feeling of personal empowerement.

D. Pay backs, or revenge, for real or perceived wrongs by husband or others.


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Postby ladyroad » Wed Dec 26, 2007 5:31 pm

Hi! I like this thread. I find that my husband and I struggle with this sometimes too.

We all have reputations. I work hard and get the job done. I have the reputation for being on top of things. My husband just doesn't fly by the same rules. He doesn't work hard, or even try in some situations.

I find this really frustrating because I need help. We both work at home, doing pretty much the same job, but I still do the lions share of house work.

In these situations, I do get really angry. I want to lash out at him and get revenge. I feel undervalued and unappreciated when he can't even fold 5 napkins and put them in the right drawer.

I thought it would get better if I got a dishwasher so I didn't have to wash dishes every night. But I'm still in there, loading and unloading the thing, every night without fail.

So that's my reason for being critical of my husband. I don't slam his views or opinions, but his work ethic is totally war territory as far as I'm concerned.
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Getting housework done

Postby SouthernGuy » Sat Jan 05, 2008 4:30 pm

Hey, Ladyroad:

I have two responses to the issue of splitting the housework that may help.

First, I should say that I am a hard worker at home and on my job, but my wife is a very, VERY hard worker. She is doing laundry all the time (her choice). Friday is her cleaning day: without fail, she will clean the house, from one side to the other. My wife is willing to admit that for her, housecleaning is her therapy. It helps her think straight and calms her down.

Now, about housework in general ...

I think the first issue is personal standards. Was your husband a typical unkempt bachelor before you married? Can you remember what his house or apartment looked like? He may be the type who believes the very logical argument that there is no point in making the bed in the morning because no one else from outside the home is going to see your bedroom today, and you are just going to sleep in your bed again tonight.

To you, a neatly-made bed may be emotionally satisfying. For you, a neatly-made bed may be a psychological signal that it's time to start your day. I, personally, prefer a bed that is made to one that is not. But if your husband *really doesn't care* about a neatly-made bed or any other particular aspect of housekeeping, then (1) he will feel grumpy and annoyed if you ask him to do it either once or on a regular basis because he thinks its frivolous and a waste of time and he just doesn't see the point; and (2) he will continually forget that he has agreed to do it or that he is supposed to do it.

Suppose your husband insisted that it was *very* important that all change collected throughout the day be sorted into piles by type (pennies, nickels, dimes, quarters) and that the coins be stacked neatly into single columns on the top of the dresser each night, and that the stacks *cannot touch!*, and the order MUST be pennies on the left to quarters on the right. Also, it is very important that the coin sorting *must* be done *every day* without fail. And he expects you to help him do this, including, and especially, dumping out your purse each evening.

Silly? Of course it is. But suppose he doesn't see it as silly; suppose it is very important to him. And I bet you would take the challenge. "Okay," you say, "You want me to sort coins, then I will sort coins." But honestly, how long do you think you would last until you get grumpy, frustrated, or stop out of boredom?

No, I don't think housework is unimportant. But some aspects of it -- or some of your expectations for the degree of cleanliness or orderliness of the house -- may seem unnecessary or extreme to your husband.

BUT even your husband will agree that there are aspects of house cleaning and home care that are necessary and important to him. If you talk to him about this rationally and unemotionally (and with advanced warning that this conversation is coming, and at a time when he is in a good mood and is willing to discuss this) then he *will* agree with this statement.

Further, if you ask him calmly and without judgment to make a list of those aspects of the housework that he *does* care about and that he is willing to take responsibility for, believe me, he will.

The dishes are a perfect example. Any man will admit that clean dishes are a necessity. Any man will admit that since he makes some of the dirty dishes, and since you are doing other housework, then making dishwashing his responsibility is perfectly reasonable.

Now, here comes the hard part -- for you.

If the two of you agree that the dishes are your husband's responsibility, then you have to let it be his responsibility. No judgments. No comments. In the first month, there may be more than one time when your husband forgets and there are no clean dishes in the morning. What do you do? You tell him, "I need a clean plate and there isn't one." He says, "So what do you want me to do about it? Why don't you just wash one?" You respond, "Because we agreed that is your job." And you stand near him and stare at him until he grumbling goes to the sink, washes you a plate, tosses it at you and says, "Here! Are you satisfied?" And you calmly don't say a word. And from that point on, you will never have a problem with dirty dishes again.

Here is the worst thing you can do, and your husband's aversion to any housework may be a result of this behavior in the past. At some point you ask him nicely, "Honey, could you please do the dishes tonight? I'm really tired." And he agrees, out of his magnanimous heart, or he *offers* to do the dishes without a prompt from you.

So while he is doing the dishes, you say, "No, honey, you don't use the washcloth on the plates; you use the scrubber." Or, "No, no. You have to do the pans last because they are greasy." Or the worst thing imaginable, after he is finished the dishes you inspect them and pass a less-than-favorable judgment on his work. And you re-wash them.

This is one of the biggest sins a wife can commit. I am your husband: I am not your slave, and I am not a child. Your attitude is saying that I am not competent to do my work, and that is really high on a man's self-esteem list. So if you don't like the way I do the dishes, or when I choose to take out the garbage, or how I do the housework, then don't ask me again and just do it yourself.

Which may be how you got to the point you are at now.

Your husband probably does care about the housework -- he just doesn't care as much as you do. And when he did try to pitch in, not only did he not get any sign of appreciation, but he got criticism instead! There is only one natural human response to that: aversion. I will not set myself up to be hurt again. I will not even talk about it, ever again.

"I'm suppose to show my husband that I appreciate him doing what obviously needs to be done around to house?" Yes, because remember point one: he doesn't care as much as you. Right now, he is tolerating your fussiness! At least, that's his point of view.

So, final thing:

Your husband agrees to take over the dishes, or the laundry, or keeping the den clean and neat, or the garage, or the lawn care. You have to be willing to live with his methods, style, and level of neatness/cleanliness. After all, he is currently tolerating your level of cleanliness.

If you can't accept this, then you have to take over those aspects of the housework again that don't meet your level of satisfaction. At that point, it is no longer 'our' house but 'your' house. The good news (if you want to see it that way) is that now you can buy furniture, paint the walls, decorate however you want. He can't complain, because he has given up his right to comment if he is unwilling to participate.

I empathize with you, Ladyroad; and I agree with you. But the only way you can get what you want is to think like a man and understand your husband's perspective, and then use his male principles and standards of behavior against him. It can work.

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