Rules of Engagment

Rules of Engagment

Postby whitehorse » Sat Feb 04, 2006 11:43 pm

Seems that when my spouse and I go on dates,
After services have been paid for (waiter, etc),
the insults begin.
I dont understand this behavior.
We could have a delightful time,
Then shortly afterwards, the jokes begin at my expense.
It is belittling and I take a major offense to it.
Alot of times I just ignore the situation.
Other times, it blows up into a huge ordeal.
It seems that the closing of the night often ends up with
us sleeping at opposite ends of the bed.
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Postby whome112 » Sun Feb 05, 2006 4:49 am

Insults and other forms of verbal abuse are problems which can often be solved. That depends on why that bad habit exists in the first place.

A person raised in a home where insults are the norm, mixed with a person who is highly sensitive ... well, the mix is probably unstable from the beginning.

Insults coming from a contemptuous point of view are the big problem. The contempt itself makes the entire marriage unstable. Contempt is the best predictor of divorce.

You need to know the why's. You need to know why the insults are there and you need to stand up against the insults.

You need to stand up to the insults. A polite "I do not like being talked to that way." can help.

The kitchen chair conversation technique may well offer a means of finding out the why's of the thing.

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Postby whitehorse » Sun Feb 05, 2006 10:10 am

Contempt is the best predictor of divorce
Contempt - state of being despised
Interesting point.
Things are ok right now. But I will be waiting to ask why,
When it happens again. Thanks for your reply.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Mon Jul 31, 2006 8:17 pm

Some phrases:

I would prefer if we could keep things on a respectful connotation.

You could rephrase the idea to __ ____ which would be mutually respectful.

Could we try to be more cordial?

I suggest a goal of Cordiality in marital conversation, and that way, digs or insults become less likely to happen. Supportive, Acknowledging at least minimal value, congenial.

There are some books on Amazon, you can search Marriage and Conversation. Some are at libraries.

Here is a link to Dr. Harley of Marriage Builders has a section on Marital Conversation:

Interrupting is a key in improving bad habits. If you are a part of the conversation, then you can ask fro a change in the topic of conversation. You can withdraw your participation in the topic, if it were to continue.

"Apparently we disagree about ___, so perhaps we could talk about _____ instead? How is ___?

Interruption can be changing the topic of conversation. If a more pronounced interruption is need, you can excuse yourself from the table on some pretext. I am going to try to find a toothpick, some Chicklet gum, Some bubble gum, I am going to wash my hands, or use the restroom.

I have asked my wife for a code word, so that I can let her know when her comments are less than fair, or slightly discouraging. By having a code word in advance, and reminding my wife about it occasionally, it gives me more confidence that I can trust my wife.

My wife would do that so often to me, when eating dinner with our children, when they were teenagers, and I did not understand about repeated interruptions can make progress. I usually let my wife eat with the children, and I just took my dinner to the den to pay bills, while I ate.

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Postby Patriarch Verlch » Fri Aug 04, 2006 11:07 am

I wouldn't stand for that.

She is running over you emotionally with a semi. That's not cool.

See, thanks to feminism, men can no longer use their strength to settle arguments.

The natural balance between men and women has been upset. Women no longer fear men's strength and power, they instead use arguments and emotional battery to win arguments. Psychological warfare, telling a man "she is going to leave him, take the child, and 'he will be sorry.'"

Yeah sorry for ever meeting her and being nice to a woman.

To upset the balance even more, feminists have changed the laws, now men need to support women in the event of divorce.

Garbage generation tells a pretty good tale. This man fought to gain custody of his children. He realized who his enemy was, obviously this man had a high IQ, he is no longer with us, as I'm sure the stress of losing your child to the family court system probably caused him to drink himself to death.

I'm not divorced and I tried to drink myself to death. Things are better now, as my wife seems to have dropped many of the issues she had before, and would rather us not argue at least. As she was the main instigator of the arguments, and the last one to not be upset anymore over past arguments. ... index.html

To save America and the world, we need to return to the past. A time when men had custody of the children, yes, the one that could afford said child.

To save us, we need to no longer be paying alimony and child support. It has upset the natural balance between men and women. In this age of equalitarianism, I would expect nothing less.
Patriarch Verlch
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Postby Hremom » Mon Aug 07, 2006 11:40 pm

Does this behavior only happen when you are on a date night or does this belittling and insulting behavior happen at home too? I'm just wondering if she is reacting to a situation or generally behaving in a hostle way toward you?

Either way, it's not acceptable behavior and needs to be addressed.

We teach others how to treat us by what we will tolerate. Flat out tell her that you find her behavior insulting and it needs to change. Tell her when she does it. I've had to tell my husband that some of the jokes he makes when we are with friends are insulting to me and I don't find them funny at all. He has learned to joke in other ways. My husband and I now know each other well enough to understand "the look" and check our behavior and mouths.
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