Postby magic » Mon Feb 18, 2008 1:37 am

I'm stay at home mum of a 3 month old. Before we had baby there was an agreement between me and bf that i get up at night during the week and he gets up at night on weekends to tend to the baby. Feeds at 2am, 4am, 7am, 9am
bf is a tradesman from 8-1 mon- fri and a sport teacher 2-8 mon-thurs.
During the week he sleeps in spare room so baby doesnt wake him, on weekends hes back in bed with me for baby duties.

When it has been his turn to feed he will get up once then the 4am feed he asks me to do it then i do the 7am feed also, because he is tired. I recently said to him i am getting really tired and your not giving me any rest on weekends and that i would like it if he would do a 7am feed all week and i will do weekend feeds to share, his reply 'no way i work all week dont get home till 8 and you want me to get up early to feed, sure i do it if you dont want cable tv, internet, your car, air con. I will cut down my working hours if thats what u want. I pay bills, keep house running do you think (......)Does it her husband works 3weeks away 1 week home, 2 kids and she can manage to do it all and what about single mums they do it all alone, im here

he gets home from work and i have the house clean and his dinner ready everyday. I do everything in house wash dishes, clean, cook, washing.etc..i dont get to nap through the day like he thinks because im busy keeping house

all i asked for was a little help and i feel like he threw it in my face to the point where i wont ask him for help again.he offered to buy me clothes the other day i said no because i know that it will be thrown back at me too. I no longer want anything from him

am i being unreasonable to be upset
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Postby elizacol » Wed Feb 20, 2008 1:25 am

As a former SAHM, whose kids are now grown, I'm going to be honest with you.

1) Your H does work close to 12 hours a day! That is a lot of hours.
2) You *could* nap during the day. He cannot. You are choosing not to.
I had 3, all 18 months apart, and managed to get them all on the
same nap schedule so that I could take a nap while they did.
Let the housework go. Your need for a nap is more important that an
immaculate house.

3) This time passes SO quickly. It may not seem like it now, but treasure
and enjoy this time...even the frequent feedings. They won't last long.
Actually, the times you've given sound very frequent. Granted, it's
been 18 years, but...give it another month, max. and you should be
seeing some drastic improvements in the length between feedings.

4) Choose your battles. Right now, your roles are what they are. Respect
each others' roles, and don't sweat the small stuff. Trust me, it's not
worth it. If the resentment starts this early, that doesn't bode well.

5) As for his reaction...perhaps it wasn't right. He could have respected
your feelings more, but he didn't. Not sure about that, as I don't know
if this is a constant thing or not.

I know when mine were little and I stayed home, I actually felt guilty for not contributing financially. So, I declined all offers for clothes, etc. I think, now, I know why I did it, but I certainly don't think it was necessary at the time. Hindsight...

Enjoy this time. Treasure the time you have with your baby. You only get 1 shot and trust me time FLIES!

Probably not what you wanted to hear, but after you've lived life, and gone through marital struggles, your perspective changes.

I used to get angry at my H for not helping more, too. Looking back, I had the best deal going! I got to stay home with my babies and just enjoy them, without having to worry about daycare, working, etc. Life could have been so much worse!!
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Postby Hremom » Mon May 05, 2008 4:31 pm

elizacol is right. I am a SAHM of four girls, ages 12, 10, 7 and 2 years old. My dh never got up with the kids, in part because he worked nights so he wasn't home, and in part because I was breast feeding.

He would help out on weekends by letting me sneak in a nap or take a long bubble bath. He'd watch the babies while I'd cook dinner.

Your dh is working two jobs for a total of 12 hours a day. Asking him to give up good rest on his days off is a bit much to ask of him. Treasure your special time with your new baby, thank dh for all his hard work and try to work out a way of getting a nap every day with your little one until he's sleeping through the night.

Personally I found that all my girls by age 5 months slept a 6 to 7 hour stretch at night. After 5 months of sleep deprivation, 6 to 7 hours feels like HEAVEN!
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Postby AbagayleLee » Wed Aug 20, 2008 3:11 pm

I don't even have an option on feedings because I'm breastfeeding. I have a 24 month old and a 4 month old. My 4 month old feeds every 2 hours all night long, plus has a couple of times when he wakes up needing a diaper change. True, I'm very exhausted, but I still feel it is "my job." My husband works 5 days a week, does the lawn, and takes care of the bills. The kids, house, cooking and cleaning are my job. My husband sometimes takes care of the kids for 1-2 hours first thing in the morning on sat and sun so I can get a little extra sleep, but I didn't ask him for this. He gets up earlier than I do and just goes and takes care of the kids without waking me. If you start to find joy in caring for your precious baby and home and make it a happy place to be, I bet your husband will start to pitch in more without you asking for his help at all. Right now, he probably isn't just annoyed that you're asking for help from him on top of his providing for the family, but you are sounding slightly resentful of your baby right now and that probably offends him.

Kudos to the women that could get her babies to sleep at the same time. I don't get to nap now because I can never get the baby to nap when the 24 month old does. But, right now you only have 1 baby and housework should not take up your entire day. You need to sleep when the baby sleeps at least one time during each day. Right now, you are not doing yourself, your husband, or your baby any favors by wearing yourself out.
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Postby ThunderHorse » Thu Aug 21, 2008 10:40 pm

Dear Magic,

Whether something is reasonable to ask for, is not always the most important issue.

If there is anything you want, you should be able to let your husband know of your wishes.

There is a timing issue of when you discuss your unmet desires. When is a good time to discuss your unmet needs with your husband? Have you been listing your desires, so you can get all your desires discussed, at the optimal time?

Another issue is the difficutly of your husband's efforts required to meet your unmet desires. Some of your desires may be easy, some doable, and some may be challenging, or time consuming.

Your expectations are what will control your happiness. Your question seems to be, "Do I have a right to be unhappy?" being unhappy may be a bargaining tool, because a wife has considerable influence over the tone of the atmosphere in the household. Certainly there are days or times when you will want some space for your self, or want to sulk for awhile.

How is your level of hapiness, generally? How are your unmet expectations affecting your unahappy periods? Are your unhappy periods interfering with a good marriage? Are you using the best negotiating strategies with your husband?

Chapter 6 in the Men's Secrets book is about resolving unment expectations.

Some of the desires you have are listed in the fomr of a complaint. What sleeping arrangements would you prefer for weekdays? I personally have my clock radio set for 3 AM, and I give my wife some cuddling then, and see what her mood might bring. Is there a time you would like your husband to give you some cuddling during the week? Do you have a crib where the baby can be safely put outside your bedroom door? Do you have a baby sound microphone, or TV moniotoring camera so you can have some privacy in your bedroom, yet still be responsible for giving immediate attention to your baby, if needed?

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